After failing to obtain the alleged video of The (alleged) Mayor of This (alleged) CityTM allegedly smoking an alleged substance allegedly believed to be crack cocaine—alleged crack cocaine, lest we forget—shit-disturbing website Gawker has announced that it will be donating most of the 200-thousand dollars it received to a fistful of local charities, including the Somali Canadian Association of Etobicoke.
Considering how they were able to successfully amass such funds for the greater good of Toronto the Good, one Toronto Sun reader suggests that Gawker starts a second campaign to pay for our subways. That said, I’m not sure who would pay to see the video he has in mind…
Then again, nearly 43 per cent of Sun readers think Rob Ford is the hottest thing to hit City Hall without causing a power outage. Methinks it’s the Sun, not Gawker, who should be launching said Speedos for Subways Kickstarter!
Because there hasn’t been a Rob Ford scandal for the Toronto Sun to vigorously defend the mayor report on for at least a couple weeks, the City Hall desk has launched a new competition: Who’s the Hottest Hottie in City Hall? But to be fair to both sexes, they’ve included both male and female contestants, kinda like that time when they put a Sunshine Boy in the paper for, oh, about two weeks. Care to guess who’s winning on the men’s side?
Yuuup, it’s The Mayor of This CityTM, with a whopping 44 per cent of the vote. Remind me not to date a woman who reads the Sun—unless she only reads it for the sports section.
Talk about a war on the car! In response to an Oshawa lobby group looking to raise speed limits, one Toronto Sun commenter agrees, with the added stipulation that drivers travelling too fast—or too slow—get their precious four-wheels confiscated for five years:
What’s next, government-issued bicycles!? (Oh, wait…)
The Toronto Sun is reporting that “An Ontario man is facing charges after he and his buddies constructed a motorized picnic table and drove it around town.” Because trying to eat in a golf cart is a real pain in the ass! And apparently, “buddies” is an acceptable synonym for accomplices at the local precinct—or at least in the local paper.
“Police said they attached a lawnmower motor and four customized wheels to the picnic table and took it for a spin on Sunday evening,” as per the Sun story, reprinted from the Stratford Beacon Herald. “But the joy ride came to a sudden end when residents called police to complain about the group scooting around London’s streets, allegedly with open booze.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can’t drink booze at a picnic table in a local park, even if it’s, y’know, parked.
Now if they had scooted around with closed booze, they probably would’ve been fine. The report states that a 46-year-old South Huron, Ont., man was charged with “having an open container of liquor in a public place.” So it seems you can’t get fined for driving a picnic table without a license!
Think Canadian politics is nasty? Try Australian politics. In the Land of Oz, the sitting Prime Minster, depicted on a menu at an opposition fundraiser as “Julia Gillard Kentucky Fried Quail – Small Breasts, Huge Thighs & A Big Red Box” has been replaced within her own party by a man (and former prime minster) described as “an incompetent ‘sociopath’ and a selfish, disorganised ‘maniac’ in his first term” by Australian media.
Think Australian politics is nasty? Try 1970’s NHL bench-clearing-brawl politics. Because this Toronto Sun commenter thinks that would be a good idea:
Can you say Marty McSorely for Public Safety Minister!?
Twas a day of celebration at the Toronto Sun as Bob “What a Boob” Rae announced his resignation from politics. Amongst much rejoicing and drooling of drivel, one commenter related a story of a man so enRaeged by Rae Days that he fled to the West Coast to become a forest ranger:
Hey, it happened to a friend of his, so you know it must be true.
And on this edition of “LEAVE ROB FORD ALONE!!!!!” a seemingly uneducated member of Ford Nation goes on the attack:
Comments like this are why I read the Toronto Sun—for the lulz. I’m not a Liberal or anything, but come back to me when you know the difference between “there” and “their.” Maybe then I’ll listen to your rant about how all Liberals are Eddie Guerrero in a red sweater… for about a minute, before I start laughing again.
As Rob F’ing Ford tries to win back the fans after his crack-smoking angle—despite the fact that the Toronto Star tag-team got a big push from this feud—it seems the former Mayor of This CityTM has taken a heel turn. A Toronto Sun backstage reporter just confirmed that “Nature Boy” David Miller has been named the new CEO of the WWF. Mr. McMahon must be pissed!
To be fair, most Toronto Sun commenters realized that WWF stands for World Wildlife Fund nowadays—but only because it was stated in the article.
After the alleged antics of the alleged Mayor of This CityTM earned him a leadoff spot on The Daily Show, the axe has come down on Rob Ford—at Don Bosco High, where he’ll no longer be head football coach. Guess he’ll hafta stick to being The Mayor of This CityTM then, eh?
But hey, Rob Ford can still do no wrong in the eyes of a select few, and I mean few, Toronto Sun supporters. Case in point:
(Then again, when even his few defenders are being bashed—on the Toronto Sun comment section, no less—it’s starting to look like the gig is up.)
Rob Ford might have allegedly done all sorts of bad things, but one thing he’s never allegedly done is allegedly smoke joints. This Toronto Sun reader provides proof:
Mind you, not all Dopesmokers weigh 600 pounds…