Tag Archives: technology

COMMENT OF THE DAY: “Porn is timeless and ageless!”

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.thedailybeast.com/cheats/2013/04/18/google-glass-resale-forbidden.html

Need I say more?  OK, fine.  Rumour has it that Google Glasses will come with a special self-destruct switch, which, if resold or even lent to someone else, will cause the second-hand user’s face to melt and eyes to burn…  or something like that.  Truth be told, there’s some speculation that the deactivation policy only applies to the early beta prototypes, but hey, why would you wanna give up your personalized portable porn stash, anyways?

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Future lame excuse: No ma’am, I wasn’t using my Google Glasses to cheat on the test—I was just looking at porn for “relaxation purposes.”

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“And if you order The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine in the next 10 minutes, we’ll throw in a bridge to Baghdad!”

Posted by gruesomegreg on

An Iranian scientist is claiming to have accomplished an achievement equalled by no one in his field since Doc Brown in ’85—and he didn’t even need a Delorean to do so!  As The Telegraph reports, Ali Razeghi’s invention, The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine, “can predict the future in a print out after taking readings from the touch of a user.”  Using a complex combination of advanced algorithms, theocratic  propaganda and good old fashioned bullshit, The Aryayek (named for its inventor’s favourite goat) can “predict five to eight years of the future life of any individual, with 98 percent accuracy,” he told the Fars news agency.

Soooo, that means the regime will be able to destroy all infidels, right?  “Naturally a government that can see five years into the future would be able to prepare itself for challenges that might destabilise it,” he said. “As such we expect to market this invention among states as well as individuals once we reach a mass production stage.”  Maaaan, I can’t wait to get my hands on one of these beauties!  So, what’s the hold-up?

“The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight,” Razeghi says.  Because all it takes is one CPC apparatchik with an Aryayek prototype to figure out how to make millions of a device that doesn’t even exist while all the world’s asleep. ;)

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Why a Microsoft condom might not be such a good idea…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.cbc.ca/news/business/story/2013/03/26/business-gates-condom.html

After conquering the word of personal computing, Bill Gates has set his sights on the world of personal hygiene, hoping to revolutionize the contraceptive market with a fresh, innovative take on the condom.  Then again, as one obvious Apple user points out, a Microsoft condom could come with its share of glitches:

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Wait, so previous versions won’t be compatible with Windows Semen!?  Will these iLoad condoms allow for double-bagging, to get a third leg up on the competition?

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Hey baby, can I download my browser onto your hard drive?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887323628804578343843582306944.html

The European Union is fining Microsoft to the tune of $732-million for shipping computers overseas that came pre-installed with Internet Explorer.  So it’s a shitty browser, but is it really that hard to get a better one?  And what do they need all that money for, bailing out Greece or something?  (Oh, wait…)

Suffice to say, there are plenty of anti-European jokes on the Wall Street Journal piece about this stunning development.  But none of them top this one…  Sick burn, bro!

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(Hey, 732 mil sure pays for a lotta internet porn—or web browser upgrades, if that’s what you’re into.)

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Just as cool as Paula Abdul…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://news.cnet.com/8301-10805_3-57570524-75/microsoft-is-cooler-than-it-used-to-be-say-half-of-those-polled/

This just in: Microsoft is cooler than you.  Well, cooler than it used to be, anyways.  According to a Reuters/Ipsos poll, some 50 per cent of 18- to 29-year-olds surveyed think Bill Gates and co are cooler than their past precedent.  But who participates in polls, anyways?  To really get to the pulse of America, the big M must turn to a more effective medium: reality TV!

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(Wait, when was Coolio ever a judge on American Idol?)

FRENCH WORD OF THE DAY: Pactole

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Pactole: Taken from the name of a mythical river in ancient Greece (Pactolus in English) that was said to produce gold, this term designates a source of immense wealth or profit, ie jackpot, gold mine.

As seen in: « Si la tendance se maintient comme le disait si bien Bernard Derome, BlackBerry touchera le pactole au Canada avec son nouveau téléphone intelligent Z10. »

(Translation: “If the trend continues, as Bernard Derome would say, BlackBerry will hit the jackpot in Canada with its new Z10 smartphone.”)

http://lesnews.ca/technologie/37262-jusqua-26-millions-de-z10-seront-vendus-au-canada-indique-un-sondage/

This just in: Google ads are racist, according to Harvard professor…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

If you were to Google Harvard Government and Technology professor Latanya Sweeney, there is up to an 86 per cent chance that you’ll see an ad about her arrest record.  Not that she’s actually been arrested—it’s because she’s black.  This is according to a paper she published entitled “Discrimination in Online Ad Delivery,” which found that names “assigned primarily to black babies, such as DeShawn, Darnell and Jermaine, generated ads suggestive of an arrest in 81 to 86 percent of name searches on one website and 92 to 95 percent on the other,” which happens to be Reuters.  Because apparently, if you type a black man’s name into a search-box on reuters.com, Google AdWords are almost 100 per cent certain that you want to know whether he’s been arrested.  Whoa…

It’s worth noting that not only black names pull up ads for background-checking site instantcheckmate.com.  Sweeney’s study also found that “Dustin, a name predominantly given to white babies, generated an ad suggestive of arrest 81 and 100 percent of the time.”  Incidentally, the first Dustin that gets displayed on Google’s suggested results, noted thespian Dustin Hoffman, has an arrest record as long as his 11th toenail—although there does happen to be an Illinois sex offender who shares his famous name.

That said, I haven’t seen any AdWords for Dustin Hoffman’s background check—nor for Sweeney’s, for that matter.  In fact, searching those two names on my ancient machine didn’t pull up any Google AdWords at all.  Perhaps Big Brother is already repenting for the errors of its ways?

Here’s hoping Facebook’s hottest new app doesn’t merge with Farmville…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Always wanted to fuck your friends, but didn’t know how to ask?  There’s now an app for that, thanks to some bitchin’ SoCal brosephs.  As The Daily Beast reports, the Bang with Friends Facebook app, “which launched a week ago and had already gained more than 20,000 users in four days, is aimed at matching users with potential partners who don’t want to beat around the bush.”  Indeed, it seems it’s designed for those who want to skip ahead to Back in Black and start “Given the Dog a Bone.”  (Because one AC/DC reference always deserves another!)

This popular new application, while geared towards dudes, isn’t just one great big sausagefest, either.  According to The Daily Beast, “the app had already matched 1,000 couples who mutually want to bang,” which leaves 18,000 bros still relying on late-night text messages.  That said, if Pauly D and Vinnie wanted to hook up, one would actually have to inbox the other.  As the Beast states, “the app currently doesn’t take sexual orientation into consideration.”

The creators have, however, fixed a bug that would allow you to bang your cousin, much to the disappointment of several southern states.  “An earlier version of the app didn’t take into account the presence of family members among a user’s Facebook friends, displaying anyone from grandfathers to siblings as potential ‘bang’ buddies.”  They’re still working on a ‘little sister’ function, however.  “We should actually create custom alerts if any of our younger siblings log on,” one of the creators said. “And then just completely shut down the site for them. Be like, ‘Sorry, we know you.’”  Because hey, only in pornos (and in West Virginia) is sex a family affair…

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Like they say, everything’s bigger in Texas—including cell phone plans!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/story/2013/01/29/cellphone-contract-wireless-code-5-things.html

The CRTC is apparently working on a wireless code to offer Canadian consumers more protection.  Aye, but will we get more bang for the buck, like they offer in the States?

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(Am I the only one wondering exactly what this guy told them they could do with their cell phone?  Sounds like it might be kinky…)

This just in: Your Facebook friends are cooler than you…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

A team of German researchers has discovered that Facebook “can cause negative feelings and reduce members’ life satisfaction”—and no, they weren’t talking about privacy breaches, intrusive advertising or the (not-so-new) timeline feature, either.  As the Technische Universität Darmstadt notes on its website, “The researchers identified that envying their ‘Facebook friends’ is the major reason for this result.”  That’s right, Facebook envy just might be the new penis envy, according to science.

The study examined some 600 Facebook users, finding that over a third of respondents had “predominantly negative feelings, such as frustration.”  The source of most of this negativity?  Those pictures you posted from that vacation you went on—and they didn’t.  One of the doctors on the project notes these trip pics are “particularly popular among German users.”

That said, it’s not your good pal who’s posting “sooooo jealous!” on your pics that probably feels the worst about herself; it’s the ones who don’t say anything at all.  As TU Darmstadt discovered, “Those who do not engage in any active, interpersonal communications on social networks and primarily utilize them as sources of information, e.g. reading friends’ postings, checking news feeds, or browsing through photos, are particularly subject to these painful experiences.”

Note to self: Comment on more peoples’ Facebook pages!