Tag Archives: Storage Wars

Gone Drinking… Be back next Wednesday!

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Page views on this site have plummeted ever since it was revealed that Storage Wars was as fake as a certain female cast member’s assets (B… Bu… But it’s still real to me, damnit!)–and they’re about to drop even further, as I won’t be posting any new content for the next five days.  Yuuup, I’m going to Vegas to watch the number-one ranked college basketball team in America start a new streak of consecutive West Coast Conference tournament titles.  Of course, I’ll be staying on the Strip and taking in some other sights and sounds along the way.  There’s bound to be a buncha info-taining posts in this space by the end of next week…

You’re just gonna hafta wait for them. ;)

GO GONZAGA!  G-O-N-Z-A-G-A!!!

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Looks like Mark Balelo’s man-purse couldn’t save his life…

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TMZ is reporting that Mark Balelo, the big-spender who made occasional appearances on the A&E hit show Storage Wars has passed away at the age of 40.  According to the entertainment gossip website, “Multiple sources close to Balelo tell us he was found dead in his car … which was parked and running in the garage at his auction house in Simi Valley, CA.”  Multiple sources, eh?  Does that mean they spoke to both Jarrod and Brandi?

TMZ, which considers carbon monoxide poisoning as the cause of death, also notes that “According to our sources, Balelo had been arrested for a drug-related offense on Saturday.”  Seems that all his money could pay for bail, but it couldn’t buy him happiness.  RIP.

Storage Wars is still real to me, damnit!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Not long after I made a joke about voting Dave Hester off Storage Wars, it seems that’s exactly what happened—and now Captain Yuuup is about to bring down the whole ship.  In a 15-page wrongful-termination suit filed yesterday, Hester alleges what some people have long suspected: the show is simply staged for the cameras.

In the suit, Hester contends that “A&E regularly plants valuable items or memorabilia,” including a BMW and those massive piles of Elvis newspapers Hester won that one time.  The suit also states that when “Hester complained to producers that A&E’s fraudulent conduct of salting and staging the storage lockers was possibly illegal, he was fired from the Series.”  Yikes!

Furthermore, in his lawsuit, Hester states that “nearly every aspect of the Series is faked, even down to the plastic surgery that one of the female cast members underwent in order to create more ‘sex appeal’ for the show.”  Gee, I wonder which female cast member he might be referring to… ;)

Auctioneer Dan Dotson, however, denied Hester’s claims, telling TMZ that “We only sell legitimate units on Storage Wars. Every unit goes through a 64-day legal process and no one has access to units prior to auction.”  A rep for A&E chimed in, adding “We do not know about a lawsuit being filed and we do not comment on pending or threatened litigation.”  Something tells me they’re about to find out, though…

Storage Wars, you do not have what it takes to beat Ink Master. Pack up your units and leave!

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Season Three of Storage Wars (re)starts tonight, which would normally be cause for celebration in the Casa del Espantoso (sadly, gruesome doesn’t have a more direct Spanish translation)–but I’m not really feeling it this time around.  I mean, I sat through two years and three (almost) full seasons of the storage-locker auction showdown, but I just can’t get up for it anymore.  Y’see, in the interim, a new reality show has taken its place in my viewing schedule, and I just don’t think Dave Hester, Darrell Sheets, Jarrod and Brandi have what it takes to beat Ink Master anymore.

I mean let’s face it, Storage Wars has descended into petty squabbles, bickering and overbidding of late.  Each of these newly-crowned reality-show superstars wants to throw his wallet around while tossing out lame put-downs like it’s 1994.  Whatever, dude.  They then take whatever items they find to be appraised–the ones that they don’t simply assign a nominal value to–and are awarded “profit points” based on what they’re told an item is worth.  Never mind that they don’t see a red cent until they actually sell the thing; that’s just not what the show’s about.

In fact, the show’s focus seems to have changed over the years.  It used to be about finding all these great items buried under a pile of crap, but now it’s “You won’t believe what Darrell said about Dave on this week’s show!”  I dunno man, but all this overblown, whiny, “my wallet is bigger than your wallet” drama has worn on me already.  In fact, I haven’t watched a single re-run episode since last season ended, or went on hiatus, or whatever you wanna call it.  Now if they did a prime-time special about Brandi Passante’s legal drama, I’d probably tune in to that, though…

On the other hand, the Ink Master competition takes a little more talent than the ability to yell “Yuuup” the loudest.  These artists must show their versatility by tattooing in a variety of styles, with the worst example in each weekly challenge getting someone sent home.  (Sadly, Storage Wars can’t just eliminate Dave Hester…)  Sure, like I’ve said before, giving the winner of the weekly flash challenge the ability to assign the human canvasses does add a little more drama, but at this point in the competition, the biggest drama queens (Clint, Kay Kutta) have already been sent home.  Here’s hoping that Sarah’s next.  Her bitching is worse than Darell on a day he gets outbid for everything!

But wait, what’s this?  Storage Wars airs at 9 (and 9:30) now, while Ink Master doesn’t start till 10?  Oooh, but that’s the same time as New Girl (and The Mindy Project).  Oh-oh, better get TiVo…

ATTN MILF Hunters: No, that isn’t Brandi Passante. Oh, and your computer’s now infected…

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Just when it seemed I had finally received confirmation of the Storage Wars starlet’s sordid past, it turns out those nude pics were fake.  In fact, they were so fake that Brandi Passante is suing to have them destroyed.  As Reuters reported on Devil’s Night, Brandi “filed suit in U.S. District Court in Central California last week against Hunter Moore, former operator of the website Is Anyone Up, claiming that he published fake photos and video purporting to depict Passante in pornographic situations.”

Note to would-be porn-site moguls: if you’re going to post fake nudes of a semi-celebrity, tweeting them about it might not be such a good idea.  The lawsuit reportedly states “Passante first became aware that there were fake porn images of her floating around on the web earlier this month, when she received a tweet reading, ‘Love the pics’ from Is Anyone Up’s Twitter account.”  Y’see, the difference between semi-celebrities and actual famous people is that the former actually check their Twitter feeds…

But wait, there’s more.  According to Reuters, “Moore later posted the video to porn-friendly website Fleshbot.com, the suit claims, adding that when users clicked on the video, a virus immediately began to download onto their computers.”  Rumour has it the virus caused infected computers to overbid for items on EBay, with an annoying “Yuuup!” sound playing on their machines after each successful bid.  Dave Hester could not be reached for comment.

Meanwhile, Passante is pulling no punches in her legal pursuit.  She’s reportedly “seeking all available damages, plus attorney’s fees, and a judgment to impound and destroy and (sic) computers, servers or other equipment owned by Moore that contains the pictures and videos.”  Gee, she couldn’t just confiscate those computers instead?  I’m sure they’d look great in her store! ;)

Something tells me they didn’t turn a profit on that storage locker…

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Unfortunately, I don’t think the cast of Storage Wars has expanded its territory to Florida—which is too bad, cuz I would love to see the episode where Barry Weiss scores a locker containing “human brains, hearts and lungs of more than 100 people” in Pensacola, as per The Associated Press.  However, it looks like it was some other storage-locker addict’s unlucky day in this case.

After placing the winning bid on the unit, the unidentified storage warrior “noticed a foul smell as they sifted through furniture and boxes.”  Turns out, the unit belonged to Dr. Michael Berkland, who was fired by the Pensacola medical examiner’s office for apparently not completing his autopsy reports.  I guess that explains how he got the body parts.  But stuffing them in a storage locker wasn’t the brightest idea.  Human organs also don’t keep so well when “crudely stored in Tupperware containers, garbage bags and drink cups,” either, I reckon.

In any case, here’s hoping that the buyer who got a locker full of decomposing body parts didn’t hafta pay more than 50 bucks for it…

You know what? Give me Shipping Wars over Storage Wars any day!

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I just love the open road–even though I don’t have a car.  Maybe it’s been all those bus trips to Montreal, Buffalo and Cleveland, or perhaps I’ve just seen Almost Famous and Hard Core Logo a few too many times, but tales of peril and adventure on the highways and byways of this great nation have a certain appeal to me.  And A&E’s new series Shipping Wars is no exception.

Initially, I was a little skeptical of the latest in A&E’s many wars, but when I actually saw a couple episodes, I was hooked.  Much like the popular Storage Wars franchise, this show sees independent contractors bid on a bunch of odd loads–only in this war, it’s the lowest bid that wins.  But the episode doesn’t end there; they then have to transport the item from Point A to Point B, occasionally traveling cross-country and dealing with the elements, car troubles and even the law.

It seems Season 2 swapped out war-veteran couple the Bawcoms for a couple Jersey Shore-types, to appeal to a younger audience, I suppose.  But you’ve still got a varied cast of characters, from veteran truckers to handymen and raw rookies.  Though they haven’t taken their war to Twitter, there is still plenty of trash talk during each episode as the competitors watch the footage of their opponents’ journeys.  In the end, expenses like gas, supplies and motel rooms are subtracted from the bidding price to determine total profit.

Don’t get me wrong, I still stick around to watch Storage Wars afterwards, but I actually think I prefer the shipping variety.  Still waiting on A&E to start airing that Nuclear Wars program, though… ;)

Finally, another new episode of Storage Wars on A&E!

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After several weeks of reruns, A&E has finally blessed us with a brand-new episode of Storage Wars, airing tonite at the odd time of 9:30 ET.  As I suspected, the network has a new program to promote–a prison break/fugitive drama called Breakout Kings, which airs immediately afterwards.  Can’t say I’ll be watching it.

As for the straight goods, Zap2It offers the following episode summary for Season 2, Episode 33, entitled Highland Kings: “Darrell plays a hunch in Highland, Calif., while Jarrod and Brandi experience royal pains.”  I have no idea what that means, but I’m guessing that Jarrod and Brandi find some royal artifacts, while Darrell is just being Darrell.  No mention of Dave Hester, however.  Hmm, can you say Nooope?

Here Comes The Gambler… Murderer?

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Since there haven’t been any new episodes of Storage Wars lately, the rumour mill is running on overdrive.  The latest?  Darrell Sheets, everybody’s favourite gambler, once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.  Well, maybe not, but according to Reality Weekly, the newest (and trashiest) supermarket tabloid, he’s been tied to a murder case.

Now, of course we all know to believe everything we read in the tabloids.  I mean, not only is Elvis still alive, but he was also abducted by aliens, haven’t you heard?  That said, you can only find out this and other important information by buying a copy of Reality Weekly.  Their website, which looks like it was designed by a 10 year old for 25 dollars, only offers two-paragraph previews of some of the biggest stories from its latest issue–and unfortunately, Darrell’s case didn’t make the cut.  If you want to find out more, you can apparently pick this rag up at WalMart “and other fine stores.”  Which fine stores?  Well, I called Indigo’s Eaton Centre location, and it’s not in their catalogue.  I’m guessing those fine stores would include The Monster Truck Accessory Center and Wifebeaters ‘R Us, however…  Not sure if Canadian WalMarts sell this either, but I intend to find out when I go on my next run for beer nuts and frozen pizza this weekend.

Mind you, I do have other sources of information at my disposal, such as the San Diego County police blotter, which I used to dig up this piece of information on Darrell’s home invasion a few months ago.  (Apparently that kid’s gone to jail for a couple years.)  Hmm, let’s see if they say anything about a murder in Vista…

Well, apparently a man was booked into the Vista Detention Facility a couple weeks back and charged with murder.  That said, unless Jeffrey Steven McCreary, 42, is one of Darrell’s drinking buddies, I fail to see the connection.  On the other hand, there’s a wanted bank robber in Santee who looks a lot like The Gambler, judging by these photos provided by the Sheriff’s office.  Not that I’m implying anything…

In any case, the cast of Storage Wars are well-known enough now that if one of them actually killed someone, it wouldn’t just be Reality Weekly reporting on it.  Thus, if Darrell’s connected to a killing in any way, it’s probably tentative at best.  So you can simmer down now, Ini Kamoze!

UPDATE 2/18: Sadly, I can now confirm that WalMart doesn’t sell Reality Weekly in Canada, as it was neither on the magazine rack nor at the checkout counter of the Dufferin Mall location.  (On the plus side, I did get a great deal on some frozen pizza!)  That said, I’m sticking with my original story: Darrell didn’t do it!

What wars will A&E wage next?

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Tonite, A&E debuts its new show Shipping Wars in between new episodes of Storage Wars and Storage Wars Texas.  This after a Parking Wars marathon on Sunday.  Hmm, I wonder what other reality shows with the word “Wars” might be in development…

American Hogger Wars: Not only do they fight wild hogs, but they also fight each other.  In a steel cage match.  With no disqualifications!

Antique Wars: Inside the cut-throat world of antiquing!  You won’t believe the look on their faces when they uncover a 6,000-year-old dresser!

Grocery Wars: Who can get the lowest price on produce?  How old is that muffin, really?  All this and more on a new episode of Grocery Wars, starring Barry Weiss!

Robot Wars: Join us each week as killer robots do battle in the pit of death!  (This may or may not have been done already…)

Nuclear Wars: Step inside an F-35 bomber and see the U.S. Air Force Ba-Ba-Ba Ba-Bomb Iran!*

*pending results of the 2012 presidential election.

…

On a related note, it’s too bad I don’t live in Orange County.  This musta been a bitchin’ party last week!

($3 Kamikazes!?  Yuuup!)