Fuck Ford Nation, I’m voting Bacon Nation!

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Because who doesn’t like bacon, right?  Bacon Nation‘s Notorious P.I.G. burger, pictured above, is topped with regular bacon, back bacon and pulled pork–and did I mention that the patty’s made outta bacon, too?  The infamous food truck just recently opened a non-mobile location just north of the corner of Queen and Spadina, a development I had been tracking closely for quite some time.  And yet, I was the only non-employee in the place at 12:30 pm on a Saturday…  I guess they must be more popular with the late-night drunk crowd?

In any case, that whopping pile o’ pork is pretty much guaranteed to fill ya up.  Just be sure to grab extra napkins, cuz it’s extra greasy!  And with a minimum suggested retail price of $14.95, not including fries and a drink, you gotta ask yourself one question before reaching for your wallet: Do I really love bacon? …Well do ya, punk!?

005And yes, I would vote for that bacon-topped bacon sandwich over both Rob and Doug Ford combined.  Cut this waist, ya fat fuck! :P

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Rob Fucking Ford won the Scarborough debate last night. Just ask Scarborough!

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I’ll admit, I don’t usually get too much involved in a municipal election some three months before the vote…even if I was among the politically-inclined 20 per cent that actually voted in the Trinity-Spadina byelection.  But unlike last month’s call to the polls on Canada Day’s Eve, last night’s debate landed at just the right time on the calendar.  In the absence of any Tuesday-night sporting drama–don’t get me started on soccer!–this piece of political theatre ably filled the void, structured as it was like a professional wrestling match.  Minus the spandex, of course.  Cuz nobody wants to see Rob Ford in a speedo!

That said, it seemed The Mayor of This CityTM made his triumphant return from RobHab in front of, if not a hometown crowd, then one that was certainly supportive.  Several Scarbarians were chanting his name as he strode triumphantly to the mic, unnoticeably lighter, and while Olivia Chow got some early heat, she was definitely playing the heel this evening.  Speaking of heels, David “Dr. Demento” Soknacki drew the loudest boos by suggesting off the bat that the city should build LRTs.  Seems like Scarborough really, really wants that subway…and apparently, most of the candidates are going to give it to them.  Olivia Chow notably slipped up by saying she’d build “above-ground subways,” leading to a big boot from the Fordster while all the Fordamaniacs went wild!

Having not paid too much attention to the campaign until now, I couldn’t help but notice this race seems to be run from the right, with one notable exception, of course.  Even Soknacki, despite his unpopular transit position, seemed to play the note of fiscal responsibility, having been the former treasurer of Scarborough or something like that.  Karen “Ms. TTC” Stintz seemed to be the one-note, transit-above-everything-else candidate, although her style of verbal repartee made me wanna say “Oh snap!” every time she finished a sentence.  And for all the talk about John Tory not taking a position on anything, he seemed to have the facts and figures (or at least, pieces of paper with words on them) to back up his stance yesterday.

But the evening clearly belonged to Rob “F’n” Ford.  Even though his main argument was “Everything’s awesome in Toronto right now, all because of Rob Ford!” (a logical fallacy if I ever heard one), he drew by far the biggest cheers of the night.  A couple of his right-leaning opponents even felt the Ford heat, as Stintz had to abandon her “Who do you trust?” mantra when the crowd enthusiastically responded “Rob Ford!” every fucking time.  And John Tory, oh man, he did not put a lot of thought into his closing remarks, considering he was in Ford Country.  Every time he asked a “who’s the best candidate…” question, of which there were several, ie “Who’s the best candidate to work with Stephen Harper (“Rob Ford!”) …and Kathleen Wynne? (“Rob Ford!”), more than a few loud-mouthed Fordamaniacs chanted The Mayor of This City’s name instead.  Man, stick Tory in a singlet and he’s practically Kurt Angle!

Alas, ever since Mayor McCheese first wrapped his lips around a crack pipe, I’ve been asking both myself and my readership “Who would possibly vote for this bozo again?”  Well, after last night, I now have my answer–and, I gotta say, I’m sure glad I don’t work in Scarborough anymore!

No, Rob Ford is NOT running for provincial premier…

Lost beneath the local media’s extensive coverage of a Rob Ford sighting in Midland last weekend was a much more relevant political event.  While the second-leading candidate for Mayor of This CityTM has suspended his campaign to go to Robhab, a more impactful political race is taking place as we speak.  I’ve seen a few Ontario election attack ads during hockey games, but otherwise not much media coverage compared to such important occasions as the one-year anniversary of the videotape of Rob Ford smoking crack being seen by The Star.  Erm, make that the first videotape of The Alleged Mayor of This Alleged CityTM allegedly smoking a substance believed to be crack cocaine to be viewed by a reporter. :P

But enough about Rob Ford…let’s talk Tim Hudak.  The Ontario PC leader, best known as Timmy Six-Pack for his fervent support of the right to sell beer in convenience stores–an initiative I could get behind–now stands a pretty reasonable chance of being the next Premier of This Province*.  Admittedly, it’s a pretty low bar to climb.  After all, the last man to stand as Premier resigned from his leadership of a government one seat short of a majority over its most recent billion-dollar spending scandal.  And yes, there was more than one billion-dollar spending-scandal under Dalton McGuinty…

Perhaps it’s no surprise then that the provincial NDP launched an election platform to end wasteful spending and support job creators.  Waitaminnit, that’s the NDP platform?  I’ll be damned if I ever saw the (Rae) day that the provincial socialists took a page outta Mike Harris’ playbook, but it sounds like Andrea Horwath’s moved the Dippers a little more than two inches to the right.  Which is interesting for me, considering that I live in a riding that’s been held by the NDP provincially since 1999.  (And no, I did not vote for the incumbent in the last election!)

But just like George Smitherman’s mayoral campaign ideas four years ago seemed to be awfully similar to Rob Ford’s, it seems the NDP is simply stealing from the party with the proven track record–for better or worse–of cutting spending and reducing debt.  A left-wing party promising to cut the waste sounds an awful lot like one of Dalton McGuinty’s broken promises.  How’s that balanced budget coming along, Kathleen Wynne?

I’m not saying that I’m definitely voting for the Tories, but just how I felt that voting for Rob Ford would prevent Smitherman, McGuinty’s former right-hand man, from winning the Mayorship, it certainly seems like the Ontario PC Party has the best chance of unseating the Liberals.  And while I still rue the day that I actually marked a big fat X next to Rob Ford’s name, I’m pretty sure that Tim Hudak is no Rob Ford…even if his vision of privatized alcohol sales would enable several drunken stupors. :P

As far as I’m concerned, if you’re still unquestionably committed to the Ontario Liberal Party after 10+ years of shoddy governance and gross fiscal mismanagement, you’re just about as bad as those card-carrying members of Ford Nation.  I mean, no one’s actually seen a video of Dalton McGuinty allegedly smoking a substance believed to be crack cocaine, but some of his decision-making while in office certainly raised the question as to whether he might have consumed some white, powdery substance, perhaps in the form of a rock… ;)

 

*catchphrase not yet trademarked.

Rob Ford’s STILL running for mayor? Is he on crack!?

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OK, I think we all know the answer to that one.  In case you missed last week’s episode of As The Gravy Train Turns, its protagonist, The Mayor of This CityTM, Rob Fucking Ford, was in another one of His Drunken StuporsTM.  He started the episode by suggesting he’d like to do more than eat one of his mayoral opponents–again, he was in a drunken stupor, so it’s OK–then had a run-in at a nightclub with Justin Bieber that had him scurrying to the bathroom, where he allegedly spent an hour eating powdered sugar donuts. ;)

In the grand finale, a drug dealer fine upstanding young man was seen shopping a video of the Crack-Smoking Mayor of TorontoTM allegedly smoking a substance believed to be crack cocaine…again.  As the credits roll, Rob Fucking Ford is ushered into a dark-coloured sedan and taken off to rehab.  That’s right, they finally made him go to Robhab!

Now, this would make for compelling drama if it was “Crack Mayor,” a recurring SNL sketch starring Chris Farley, but what’s scary is that this all happened in real-life to the man who theoretically runs this town.  OK, so maybe Norm Kelly has all the power while Rob Ford visits his aunt Betty, but I think the guy expects he can do 30 days of rehab, come out clean and sober–and, because this is his TV show, 150 pounds lighter–and retake the reins of this city by winning re-election.  Though even Marion Barry wouldda stepped down by now, this delusion goofball apparently still thinks he can clean up the city, stop the gravy train and (insert mindless slogan here) when he can’t even clean up his own act.

Then again, as he said in one of his drunken, crack-addled, recorded conversations, he might be OK with Olivia Chow as mayor.  According to the National Post transcript, Ford told an affable bar patron “As long as they vote, I’d rather them vote against me than not vote at all.  I’d rather lose to Olivia Chow than lose to anyone, man, because you know what? [The city’s] going to get fucked so bad, they’re going to say ‘thank you.’ Nah, I’m not coming back. Once I’m done, I’m done. I’m going to California.”  Then again, that might just be the crack talking.

Look, I’ve already said I’d vote for Olivia Newton-John over Rob Ford.  Hell, I’d even cast my ballot for classically-trained actress Nikki Benz before I’d vote for him…if she hasn’t missed the deadline to register her candidacy, that is.  And while I hold out some faint hope that after his “treatment,” Rob F’n Ford will see the light and retire from political life, I’m pretty much expecting his name to be on the ballot come October.  All I can say is that if he runs, and by some miracle of populist propaganda, wins the mayorship a second time, I will be looking for a new place to live.  Sure he’s a laugh riot, but I do not want to live in a city that’s dumb enough to vote for Rob Ford twice.

That being said, I do have some faith that your average voter, unlike our soon-to-be-former mayor, won’t make the same mistake a second time. ;)

Call me a crazy commie, but I might actually vote for Olivia Chow…

When I was growing up in Calgary, voting for the NDP would get you called a crazy commie.  The New Democratic Party has never had much of a base in Wild Rose Country, and they’d often have trouble attracting credible Calgarian candidates to run up against the Conservative machine in federal and provincial elections.  I remember one year, the NDP candidate in a Northwest Calgary riding was a 19-year-old poli sci student who went to my high school the year before.  But unlike the famous McGill Four, this guy didn’t get elected.  In fact, I’m pretty sure he finished fourth–cuz in Calgary, even the Green Party gets more votes than the NDP.

That being said, I’ve been living in NDP Country (aka Downtown Toronto) for nearly nine years now.  And ever since I moved west of Yonge St. in ’09, I’ve had Olivia Chow as my MP.  But you know what?  I actually quite like her.  Unlike several federal politicians who put the party line before all else, Olivia gets that she represents a riding first, and a party second.  After all, she was the one who proposed the private member’s bill giving more leeway for citizens’ arrests, after a well-publicized incident at the Lucky Moose Food Mart, a couple blocks from where I now live.  Stephen Harper later touted it as part of his “tough on crime” agenda, but he really couldn’t take the credit.  On the other hand, the Conservatives nixed a Chow proposal that would add mandatory side guards to big rigs after a cyclist got crushed in Kensington.  I dunno guy, but I’m pretty sure vehicular homicide is still a crime…

Of course, I don’t agree with every portion of the NDP platform, but they did have some policies in the last election, like GTFO Afghanistan, that I supported.  But at the end of the day, I’d be marking my ballot for Olivia Chow, and not the NDP per se.  I still think she’d do a better job of serving her constituents than anyone she’s been up against in the last couple elections.  But upcoming changes to the 2015 electoral map will cut her riding in half, so instead of choosing between the North and the South Side of Trinity-Spadina (I’m right on the borderline), she’s running for Mayor of This CityTM, and infringing on Rob Ford’s trademark in the process! ;)

Mind you, this doesn’t come as a complete surprise.  Ever since Mayor McCheese first put his lips on a crack pipe, there have been calls for Chow to come to our rescue.  And while I won’t say she’s got my vote in the bag–unless John Tory’s still fighting for religious-school funding–I would definitely vote for Olivia Chow over Rob Ford any day.  Then again, I’d also vote for Olivia Wilde, Olivia Palermo and Olivia Newton-John over Rob Ford.  Hey, I’m pretty sure the latter would whip His Lardship into shape!

No, wait! Stop, Mayor Ford! IT’S A TRAP!!!!11

Now, I don’t often watch Jimmy Kimmel Live–unless, like, Slayer’s playing–but seeing as this shit’s been on the Best of YouTube for a week now, I was finally compelled to watch Rob Ford’s four-part guest appearance today.  For the most part, it’s just The Mayor of This CityTM spouting his usual talking points, but there’s a moment of pure genius, as seen above, when Kimmel brings him over to the video screen to narrate Rob Ford’s Greatest Hits.

Not that Ford had a lot to say about his Hulk Hogan impression, the Steak Queen incident, or any of the other hilarious bloopers.  You could feel it getting awkward in there.  In fact, he was apparently pretty pissed off afterwards.  Well gee, did you really expect a guy who’s been laughing at you ever since you ran into a camera to conduct a serious interview about Toronto’s film industry?  What, are you on crack or something!?  (Sorry, it just never gets old…)

Officially, Ford said the interview “went good,” then went on to diss the Toronto media…what else is new?  But the best reaction had to be from Councillor Shelley Carroll, who told The Globe and Mail, “Across North America, there is a new scale for drunkenness: ‘zero to Rob Ford,’ she said.”  Man, I’m gonna go hit the bar and get Rob Ford tonight!!!!

Any chance that any of the more credible candidates will even get a smidgen of this much media attention?  I dunno guy, but I think I’m gonna vote for the dude from the Shuffle Demons:

Never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to get sick of seeing Rob Ford do stupid stuff…

Yesterday The Mayor of This CityTM, Rob Ford, got stuck in an elevator.  No, it wasn’t because His Lardship had eaten too many pieces of fried chicken; just a plain old technical malfunction, which made him about an hour late for his speech at the Economic Club of Canada.  Hey, elevators break down sometimes, but when it happens to one with Rob Ford inside, the story gets picked up by every single local and national media outlet.  Hell, the Toronto Sun even sent one of its most senior columnists to get the full scoop.  But c’mon man, is this really front-page news!?

Well, it is if he was caught doing some drunken Jamaican accent in a jerk-chicken joint the night before.  Which is about as amusing as that time he got caught going into KFC, but it has nothing to do with him getting stuck in an elevator, or being the (now-powerless) Mayor of This CityTM.  It’s almost become this crazy game of “catch Rob Ford in the act on your camera-phone, become Canada’s Next Top Reporter!”  God, I hope that reality show never gets off the ground…

Don’t get me wrong, I see the need to hold the The Mayor of This CityTM accountable, even if he was recently–and rightly–stripped of his powers by City Hall.  Then again, he is running for re-election…  But whether he eats at Steak Queen or Burger King is of little relevance to me.  And hey, if you’ve never been drunk in public, you’re probably not a Leafs fan.  (Neither am I, but have you seen the Flames this season!?)  That being said, it looks like Ford’s opponents won’t hafta run any negative attack ads in this election campaign, cuz pretty much every newspaper/channel/website is doing it for them on a daily basis.

I think I’ve touched on this before.  Said crazy crackhead sells newspapers/subscriptions/ad space/whatever.  But if The Star was to put up a paywall charging people just to read about Rob Ford, I probably wouldn’t miss their coverage.  I mean, there’s beating a dead horse, and then there’s beating on a 300-pound recovering alcoholic who has more than enough pussy to eat at home.  After a while, even the rest of Canada isn’t laughing anymore.

Now, I’ve only been here eight years, so the only mayor I’ve had before Ford was David Miller, but man, I can’t even remember anything about Miller nowadays.  Sure, Sun News still calls him a socialist from time to time (cuz that’s pretty much a swear word at Sun News), but he seemingly had a pretty unremarkable career–especially compared to Ford.  And one has to wonder which will have more legs: Mel Lastman calling in the army or “I’ve Got More Than Enough to Eat At Home?”

Personally, I’m betting on the latter.  I can’t remember the last time I saw Mel Lastman on a t-shirt.

LEAVE ROB FORD ALONE!!!!!1110

 

…or don’t.  But at least try not to bleep out the swear words next time you post a video. ;)