Now, unlike The Crack-Smoking Mayor of This CityTM, I have never tried crack cocaine. But you know who has? Jordan Belfort, The Wolf of Wall Street (soon to be a major motion picture). In his second book, Catching the Wolf of Wall Street, Belfort explains the four stages of crack consumption:
“The first phase of a crack high is the euphoria phase. This is when you feel so incredibly wonderful that you want to just scream from the fucking hilltops: ‘I love crack! I love crack! And all of you out there who ain’t smoking this shit don’t know what you’re missing!”
Aaaaand now I know why Mayor Ford didn’t want anyone to see that video.
According to Belfort, that first phase lasts “Maybe fifteen or twenty minutes; then it’s over and you slide into phase two, which is almost as good, but not quite. It’s called the diarrhea-of-the-mouth phase, which is somewhat self-explanatory. In this case, however, the sort of drug-induced oral diarrhea spewed out differs from your garden-variety oral diarrhea that the typical sober bullshit artist slings at you.”
Ah, so you mean stuff like “I need fucking 10 minutes to make sure he’s dead. It’ll be over in five minutes, brother!” Hmm, where have I heard that before?
Belfort says the worry phase soon follows. “This is phase three: a vicious onslaught of negative thoughts washing over you like a killer tsunami. You worry about everything: mistakes of the past, problems of the present, and anything that might pop up in the future.” Which explains several of the Mayor’s press conferences.
But what comes next is even worse: the suicide-contemplation phase. Belfort says “There are only two known antidotes to it: The first is the massive consumption of benzodiazepines–preferably Xanax or Valium and Klonopin. The second is massive quantities of sleep, on the order of two or three days. Anything less and you still might attempt suicide.”
Here’s hoping Rob Ford’s been taking massive quantities of Xanax, then. While he probably doesn’t deserve to be The Crack-Smoking Mayor of This CityTM anymore, he still doesn’t deserve to die.