Call me a crazy commie, but I might actually vote for Olivia Chow…

When I was growing up in Calgary, voting for the NDP would get you called a crazy commie.  The New Democratic Party has never had much of a base in Wild Rose Country, and they’d often have trouble attracting credible Calgarian candidates to run up against the Conservative machine in federal and provincial elections.  I remember one year, the NDP candidate in a Northwest Calgary riding was a 19-year-old poli sci student who went to my high school the year before.  But unlike the famous McGill Four, this guy didn’t get elected.  In fact, I’m pretty sure he finished fourth–cuz in Calgary, even the Green Party gets more votes than the NDP.

That being said, I’ve been living in NDP Country (aka Downtown Toronto) for nearly nine years now.  And ever since I moved west of Yonge St. in ’09, I’ve had Olivia Chow as my MP.  But you know what?  I actually quite like her.  Unlike several federal politicians who put the party line before all else, Olivia gets that she represents a riding first, and a party second.  After all, she was the one who proposed the private member’s bill giving more leeway for citizens’ arrests, after a well-publicized incident at the Lucky Moose Food Mart, a couple blocks from where I now live.  Stephen Harper later touted it as part of his “tough on crime” agenda, but he really couldn’t take the credit.  On the other hand, the Conservatives nixed a Chow proposal that would add mandatory side guards to big rigs after a cyclist got crushed in Kensington.  I dunno guy, but I’m pretty sure vehicular homicide is still a crime…

Of course, I don’t agree with every portion of the NDP platform, but they did have some policies in the last election, like GTFO Afghanistan, that I supported.  But at the end of the day, I’d be marking my ballot for Olivia Chow, and not the NDP per se.  I still think she’d do a better job of serving her constituents than anyone she’s been up against in the last couple elections.  But upcoming changes to the 2015 electoral map will cut her riding in half, so instead of choosing between the North and the South Side of Trinity-Spadina (I’m right on the borderline), she’s running for Mayor of This CityTM, and infringing on Rob Ford’s trademark in the process! ;)

Mind you, this doesn’t come as a complete surprise.  Ever since Mayor McCheese first put his lips on a crack pipe, there have been calls for Chow to come to our rescue.  And while I won’t say she’s got my vote in the bag–unless John Tory’s still fighting for religious-school funding–I would definitely vote for Olivia Chow over Rob Ford any day.  Then again, I’d also vote for Olivia Wilde, Olivia Palermo and Olivia Newton-John over Rob Ford.  Hey, I’m pretty sure the latter would whip His Lardship into shape!

About these ads

No, wait! Stop, Mayor Ford! IT’S A TRAP!!!!11

Now, I don’t often watch Jimmy Kimmel Live–unless, like, Slayer’s playing–but seeing as this shit’s been on the Best of YouTube for a week now, I was finally compelled to watch Rob Ford’s four-part guest appearance today.  For the most part, it’s just The Mayor of This CityTM spouting his usual talking points, but there’s a moment of pure genius, as seen above, when Kimmel brings him over to the video screen to narrate Rob Ford’s Greatest Hits.

Not that Ford had a lot to say about his Hulk Hogan impression, the Steak Queen incident, or any of the other hilarious bloopers.  You could feel it getting awkward in there.  In fact, he was apparently pretty pissed off afterwards.  Well gee, did you really expect a guy who’s been laughing at you ever since you ran into a camera to conduct a serious interview about Toronto’s film industry?  What, are you on crack or something!?  (Sorry, it just never gets old…)

Officially, Ford said the interview “went good,” then went on to diss the Toronto media…what else is new?  But the best reaction had to be from Councillor Shelley Carroll, who told The Globe and Mail, “Across North America, there is a new scale for drunkenness: ‘zero to Rob Ford,’ she said.”  Man, I’m gonna go hit the bar and get Rob Ford tonight!!!!

Any chance that any of the more credible candidates will even get a smidgen of this much media attention?  I dunno guy, but I think I’m gonna vote for the dude from the Shuffle Demons:

Never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to get sick of seeing Rob Ford do stupid stuff…

Yesterday The Mayor of This CityTM, Rob Ford, got stuck in an elevator.  No, it wasn’t because His Lardship had eaten too many pieces of fried chicken; just a plain old technical malfunction, which made him about an hour late for his speech at the Economic Club of Canada.  Hey, elevators break down sometimes, but when it happens to one with Rob Ford inside, the story gets picked up by every single local and national media outlet.  Hell, the Toronto Sun even sent one of its most senior columnists to get the full scoop.  But c’mon man, is this really front-page news!?

Well, it is if he was caught doing some drunken Jamaican accent in a jerk-chicken joint the night before.  Which is about as amusing as that time he got caught going into KFC, but it has nothing to do with him getting stuck in an elevator, or being the (now-powerless) Mayor of This CityTM.  It’s almost become this crazy game of “catch Rob Ford in the act on your camera-phone, become Canada’s Next Top Reporter!”  God, I hope that reality show never gets off the ground…

Don’t get me wrong, I see the need to hold the The Mayor of This CityTM accountable, even if he was recently–and rightly–stripped of his powers by City Hall.  Then again, he is running for re-election…  But whether he eats at Steak Queen or Burger King is of little relevance to me.  And hey, if you’ve never been drunk in public, you’re probably not a Leafs fan.  (Neither am I, but have you seen the Flames this season!?)  That being said, it looks like Ford’s opponents won’t hafta run any negative attack ads in this election campaign, cuz pretty much every newspaper/channel/website is doing it for them on a daily basis.

I think I’ve touched on this before.  Said crazy crackhead sells newspapers/subscriptions/ad space/whatever.  But if The Star was to put up a paywall charging people just to read about Rob Ford, I probably wouldn’t miss their coverage.  I mean, there’s beating a dead horse, and then there’s beating on a 300-pound recovering alcoholic who has more than enough pussy to eat at home.  After a while, even the rest of Canada isn’t laughing anymore.

Now, I’ve only been here eight years, so the only mayor I’ve had before Ford was David Miller, but man, I can’t even remember anything about Miller nowadays.  Sure, Sun News still calls him a socialist from time to time (cuz that’s pretty much a swear word at Sun News), but he seemingly had a pretty unremarkable career–especially compared to Ford.  And one has to wonder which will have more legs: Mel Lastman calling in the army or “I’ve Got More Than Enough to Eat At Home?”

Personally, I’m betting on the latter.  I can’t remember the last time I saw Mel Lastman on a t-shirt.

LEAVE ROB FORD ALONE!!!!!1110

 

…or don’t.  But at least try not to bleep out the swear words next time you post a video. ;)

Soooo, you wanna run for re-election?

robfingfordTip Number One: Don’t use this as your campaign slogan, even if it’s f–king awesome.

Last week, Rob Ford, The Mayor of This CityTM, officially put his name in the hat for the 2014 municipal election.  You’d think that after the whirlwind year he endured in 2013, he want to take some time off to kick back, relax and eat some fried chicken–but no, apparently, he wants to give it another go.  I’m not so sure that’s such a good idea after his “To Crack or Not to Crack” dilemma turned himself and This City into an international laughingstock, but I guess that everyone deserves a second chance, eh?  And that’s why, from the goodness of my own heart, I’m offering The Mayor of This CityTM some helpful tips for his re-election campaign.

1) Never miss an opportunity to apologize.  You know that kid whose lunch money you stole every day in the third grade?  That guy your brother sold some bad hash to in the 80′s?  Time to write them a personalized apology on City of Toronto letterhead.  Or better yet, hold a press conference.  No, on second thought, don’t hold a press conference.  You’ve done more than enough of those already.

2) Time to Cut the Waist… for real. Because what says “I’ve conquered all my personal demons” than finally beating the battle of the bulge?  Face it Rob, those of us who aren’t offensive linemen can’t really relate to your 300+ pound flabbiness anymore.  Hey, I’ve dropped four pant-sizes this year–you can too!

3) Forget about the Gravy Train.  That train crashed and burned. C’mon, really, what have you done to cut the waste at City Hall?  Privatize garbage collection west of Yonge?  Eliminate the vehicle registration tax?  Somehow, I think it takes more than that to curtail public spending.  Thus, it’s time for a new campaign slogan–just one that doesn’t begin with “Don’t you fucking know?” ;)

4) Try not to turn this into more of a sideshow than it already is.  Let’s face it, The Daily Show will probably have its own Toronto bureau by the time the election rolls around.  And as much as I’d enjoy that, it’s not good for your public image.  So don’t try to throw a football, arm-wrestle Hulk Hogan or even think about eating pussy in public…unless you get caught face-down in a hooker’s vagina.  In which case, repeat Step 1.

5) Don’t smoke crack again.  Seriously, don’t.

MAN OF THE YEAR (non-crack edition): Mike Duffy

With the Crackhead of the Year category out of the way, I’m counting down the top five male specimens of 2013.  Do not pass Go, do not collect 90-thousand dollars, it’s time for this year’s most memorable men:

5. Daniel Metzgar

It takes balls to suck up the pain of a botched penile implant, and Delaware trucker Daniel Metzgar had great big ones–as a result of the procedure, his scrotum swelled to the size of a volleyball.  Add that to the fact that he had a perma-boner for two thirds of the year, and you know this guy was living the high-life…until “tubing from the device punctured his scrotum during a family trip to Niagara Falls.”  Worst…family…vacation…evar!!!

4. Taran Killam

After SNL lost most of its main male cast-members, the fourth-year veteran has stepped it up big-time, taking over Bill Hader’s role as “That Guy in Almost Every SNL Sketch.”  He certainly hasn’t dropped the ball–check out “Boy Dance Party” with Bruce Willis or the government shutdown sketch with Miley Cyrus pictured above. ;)

3. Tim Burke

This glum-looking fellow led the Winnipeg Blue Bombers to a CFL-worst 3-15 record last season, and the butt-end of many punchlines in my CFL power rankings.  After getting fired in November, he has since landed a job as defensive coordinator of the Toronto Argonauts…so you can count on the Argos giving up a ton of points next season.

2. Somali Drug Dealers

Oh wait, this is the non-crack edition.  Erm, never mind then…

1. Mike Duffy

It takes plenty to piss off the proud people of Prince Edward Island.  The potato-producing province is known for its warm, friendly folk–in stark contrast to its lying, cheating Senator Mike Duffy.  After pretending to live in a Cavendish cottage to claim undeserved benefits, the former newsman reportedly accepted a “secret $90,000 cheque” from the PMO to pay the penalty.  I dunno guy, but I’m pretty sure that 90-grand could purchase multiple pounds of potatoes!

(Can’t we just abolish the Senate already!?)

CRACKHEAD OF THE YEAR: Rob Ford

robfordoncrack

In 2011, when I gave out this blog’s first man of the year award, Mayor Rob Ford seemed like the natural choice.  After all, he had just finished berating the cops after being allegedly assaulted by a satirist with a plastic sword.  But since then, The Mayor of This CityTM has risen to new heights, what with those recent crack-smoking allegations that were eventually proven true.  But it didn’t stop there, as our mayor became an international media sensation, what with such catchphrases as “In one of my drunken stupors,” “More than enough to eat at home,” and my personal favourite, “It’ll be over in five minutes, brother!

Alas, the trials and tribulations of The Whole F’n Mayor likely won’t be over until he loses the election next October.  I mean, nobody’s stupid enough to vote for this guy twice, right?  Oh wait, nevermind

In any case, Mayor Ford has inspired me to create a whole new category in my annual year-end awards.  And with that, I’m taking a break from blogging for the rest of the week, but I’ll be back with my top men, women, albums and concerts of 2013 starting next Sunday.

All quiet on the Rob Ford front? He must be going through the Xanax phase…

Now, unlike The Crack-Smoking Mayor of This CityTM, I have never tried crack cocaine.  But you know who has?  Jordan Belfort, The Wolf of Wall Street (soon to be a major motion picture).  In his second book, Catching the Wolf of Wall Street, Belfort explains the four stages of crack consumption:

“The first phase of a crack high is the euphoria phase.  This is when you feel so incredibly wonderful that you want to just scream from the fucking hilltops: ‘I love crack!  I love crack!  And all of you out there who ain’t smoking this shit don’t know what you’re missing!”

Aaaaand now I know why Mayor Ford didn’t want anyone to see that video. ;)

According to Belfort, that first phase lasts “Maybe fifteen or twenty minutes; then it’s over and you slide into phase two, which is almost as good, but not quite.  It’s called the diarrhea-of-the-mouth phase, which is somewhat self-explanatory.  In this case, however, the sort of drug-induced oral diarrhea spewed out differs from your garden-variety oral diarrhea that the typical sober bullshit artist slings at you.”

Ah, so you mean stuff like “I need fucking 10 minutes to make sure he’s dead.  It’ll be over in five minutes, brother!”  Hmm, where have I heard that before?

Belfort says the worry phase soon follows.  “This is phase three: a vicious onslaught of negative thoughts washing over you like a killer tsunami.  You worry about everything: mistakes of the past, problems of the present, and anything that might pop up in the future.”  Which explains several of the Mayor’s press conferences.

But what comes next is even worse: the suicide-contemplation phase.  Belfort says “There are only two known antidotes to it: The first is the massive consumption of benzodiazepines–preferably Xanax or Valium and Klonopin.  The second is massive quantities of sleep, on the order of two or three days.  Anything less and you still might attempt suicide.”

Here’s hoping Rob Ford’s been taking massive quantities of Xanax, then.  While he probably doesn’t deserve to be The Crack-Smoking Mayor of This CityTM anymore, he still doesn’t deserve to die.

Toronto media to Rob Ford: You should maybe think about resigning (but only just maybe)

robfordoncrackIf you understand the above reference, you are a worthy reader of this blog.

For the record, back when the Rob Ford Crackstarter was surging towards its funding goal, I was pretty sure the tape of The Mayor of This CityTM smoking crack was real.  After all, when was the last time Rob Ford denied he did something and wasn’t later proven wrong?

Yeah, don’t answer that question.  Ever since he’s been in office (and probably before), Ford’s MO has been to deny, deny, deny until overwhelming evidence forces him to admit “Yeah, I did that, and I was wrong.  But hey, it only happened once…”  Only this time, it’s been once too many.  Of course, the beauty of his latest confession wasn’t that he admitted to having used crack cocaine, but that he did so in one of his drunken stupors.  So now we can drop all the “allegedlies.”  The alleged Mayor of This CityTM has actually smoked crack cocaine in one of his actual drunken stupors.  And as CBC knows, there’s been a few of them…

But here’s the crazy part: Rob Ford says he isn’t going anywhere–at least not until October 27, 2014.  Yeah, you could say he’s pretty stubborn.  Pigheaded, even.  Thing is, when you’ve already declared war on, oh, about half of the media outlets in the Centre of the Known Universe, well, let’s just say it’s gonna be a looooong 354 days.

The opening salvo in the War on Ford PC (Post Crack) was fired by–who else–the Toronto Star, who apparently figured this would be a pretty good time to increase the price of their paywall in the process.  Turns out they have no problem paying for a video, as long as the sum doesn’t exceed four figures.  Y’know, cuz their circulation is way down, eh?  Dying medium, and all…

Anyhoo, the video in question makes Ford sound like Hulk Hogan (who, incidentally, he recently defeated in an arm-wrestling match) with a bad case of Tourette’s–or rather, a disease that makes you drop a buncha f-bombs.  No word as to who he was addressing when he said “I’ll rip his f—ing throat out. I’ll poke his eyes out. . . . I’ll make sure that motherf—er’s dead,” but I gotta say, The Mayor of This CityTM cuts a mean promo.  I would definitely be checking under the apron for brass knuckles if I was his next opponent!

But next time, Ford should probably be checking under the table for camera phones.  Cuz while conservative columnist Christie Blatchford condemned this “new low for Canadian journalism,” everyone from The Star to The Sun(!) was posting excerpts of the thing, hoping to lure unsuspecting readers behind their paywalls for the full story.

And that’s why, although they’ll keep trying to entice The Mayor of This CityTM to resign by shoveling layer after layer of dirt onto his football-shaped, football-field sized coffin, the Toronto media doesn’t really want Rob Ford to resign.  I mean, not even his brother could give them such a boost in readership–although Milwaukee-based hardcore band Enabler must surely appreciate the extra page views. ;)  Let’s face it, there will probably never be another Toronto mayor like Rob Ford…

…but do we really hafta put up with him till next October!? :(

fordamania

COMMENT OF THE DAY: C’mon man, nobody wants to see Rob Ford in a speedo!

From: http://www.torontosun.com/2013/07/18/gawker-rob-ford-crackstarter-cash-going-to-four-toronto-charities

After failing to obtain the alleged video of The (alleged) Mayor of This (alleged) CityTM allegedly smoking an alleged substance allegedly believed to be crack cocaine—alleged crack cocaine, lest we forget—shit-disturbing website Gawker has announced that it will be donating most of the 200-thousand dollars it received to a fistful of local charities, including the Somali Canadian Association of Etobicoke.

Considering how they were able to successfully amass such funds for the greater good of Toronto the Good, one Toronto Sun reader suggests that Gawker starts a second campaign to pay for our subways.  That said, I’m not sure who would pay to see the video he has in mind…

cotd718

Then again, nearly 43 per cent of Sun readers think Rob Ford is the hottest thing to hit City Hall without causing a power outage.  Methinks it’s the Sun, not Gawker, who should be launching said Speedos for Subways Kickstarter! ;)

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Apparently, Sun readers think rutting hogs are sexy…

From: http://www.torontosun.com/2013/07/14/city-hall-hotties

Because there hasn’t been a Rob Ford scandal for the Toronto Sun to vigorously defend the mayor report on for at least a couple weeks, the City Hall desk has launched a new competition: Who’s the Hottest Hottie in City Hall?  But to be fair to both sexes, they’ve included both male and female contestants, kinda like that time when they put a Sunshine Boy in the paper for, oh, about two weeks.  Care to guess who’s winning on the men’s side?

cotd715

Yuuup, it’s The Mayor of This CityTM, with a whopping 44 per cent of the vote.  Remind me not to date a woman who reads the Sun—unless she only reads it for the sports section. ;)