Tag Archives: Rob Ford

When “Is Rob Ford on crack?” becomes a serious question…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

“Hey, did you hear Rob Ford erased the bike lines on Jarvis?  Is he on crack!?”

That question took on a whole new meaning today with the revelation by Gawker (followed by a Toronto Star “exclusive”) that The Mayor of This City was taped allegedly smoking some alleged crack cocaine, allegedly at Dixon Rd. near Kipling Ave.  Where are we, Washington D.C.!?

The Star says some of its reporters have seen the tapes, and they “separately concluded the man in the video was Ford.”  He’s even wearing the same sweatshirt as he did in this photo published by the National Post.  But while this would surely be the “Gangnam Style” of mayors-smoking-crack videos, it hasn’t been leaked to the public yet.  Alas, it seems the Somali drug dealers want 100 grand in exchange for the actual footage; both Gawker and The Star watched it on a camera-phone.  Apparently, TorStar doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, and Gawker simply doesn’t have enough money.  And yet, there are not one, not two but three Indiegogo campaigns to buy the tape–although one seems to have been taken down.  (Gawker’s campaign is up over 32 Gs, though, and they’re now saying it’ll take 200 to get the footage.  Mmmmkay…)

Speaking of tapes, did anyone outside the Toronto Police Service ever hear the infamous Rob Fucking Ford phone call?  I guess that one’s a lot safer in the hands of the cops than a tape taken by some drug dealers would be, eh?

Of course, Ford non-denies this ever happened, brushing it off as “ridiculous,” but when was the last time he actually owned up to outrageous behaviour that was either caught on tape, by photo, or seen by witnesses?  It would actually shock me if one of these days he actually came out and said “Yeah, I did that.  My bad.”–before the police report was made public, that is.

Cuz here’s the thing, this latest allegation is costing him populist points by the pound.  I mean, that time when he drunkenly berated some folks at a Leafs game?  Hey, who hasn’t gotten drunk and gotten into an argument about hockey?  Aside from those condo-dwelling, latte-sipping, bike-riding downtown commie pinkos!!!1  Likewise, who hasn’t had a beverage or seven before going out on the town?  I pre-drink, you pre-drink, everybody pre-drinks–unless it’s an open bar, then he really has no excuse.

But on the other hand, it’s hard to appeal to the common man, much less the right-wing, tough-on-crime constituency, when you’re caught smoking crack.  Cuz everybody knows, crack is whack, yo!  Sure, there might be some damned blue-collar tweekers out there, but try getting them out to the polls!

Bottom line, I would not be surprised if this video actually does surface, and whether he wins the ensuing lawsuit or not, the last shred of Rob Ford’s credibility will surely go up in smoke.  I never thought I’d say this, but the judge shoulda tossed him out when he had the chance, just to save our city from further embarrassment.  And this time, I’m not even joking.

Jose Canseco for Mayor!

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COMMENT OF THE DAY: At least Rob Ford doesn’t smoke weed…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.torontosun.com/2013/05/17/rob-fords-got-quite-the-rap-sheet–if-its-true

Rob Ford might have allegedly done all sorts of bad things, but one thing he’s never allegedly done is allegedly smoke joints.  This Toronto Sun reader provides proof:

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Mind you, not all Dopesmokers weigh 600 pounds…

 

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Rob Ford better not put his magnet on this guy’s car!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.torontosun.com/2013/05/15/rob-ford-under-fire-for-leaving-humbertown-meeting-to-put-magnets-on-cars

On the latest episode of As the Gravy Train Turns, Rob Ford, The Mayor of This CityTM, leaves another meeting early.  But this time, it’s not to coach his championship-winning football team.  Instead, he was spotted sticking fridge magnets on constituents’ cars in the parking lot.  As the Toronto Sun reports, some of them are already up for grabs on Kijiji.  “Pair of very lightly used Rob Ford car magnets (may also double as a fridge magnet but no promises). Hand installed by The Mayor himself last night at the Humbertown redevelopment meeting in Etobicoke,” the seller wrote.  “Will happily trade for one iota of progress on The City’s transit file.”  Can you say Reserve Not Met?

And then there’s this guy, who wasn’t at the meeting—and it’s probably just as well…

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Remember, it’s his car, he paid for it.

The view from Bay Street…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

005(This is what I see when I look out my balcony…)

So, I moved into my new apartment on Tuesday, and I’m finally unpacked.  What a difference a professional moving company makes!  What they accomplished in two and a half hours would otherwise take me two and a half days.  Mind you, it did take me two and a half days to unpack, more or less…

Like I said before, I lived in The Annex for the past four years, but before that, I was right downtown for the better part of three years or so, whether at Jarvis and Carlton, Church and Gerrard or Gould and Mutual Street.  Let’s just say that I like being at the centre of the Centre of the Known Universe–only there shouldn’t be as much riff-raff on Bay Street as there was around Allen Gardens.  And hey, they’ve got a Beer Store in the basement of Dundas Square now, so I won’t hafta go all the way to Gerrard and Ontario for a 24–which was always an interesting experience.

Of course, pretty much everything else I need is also within walking distance: Canadian Tire, Best Buy, the Eaton Centre, Longo’s, LCBO, the post office… not to mention my office, as well.  Boy, how I DON’T miss taking the TTC in the morning!  In fact, I don’t even have a Metropass this month.

And let’s just say this is nicer than my other apartment.  All the amenities are state-of-the-art, top-of-the-line, eco-friendly…  Put it this way: My toilet has two buttons on top, one for a half-flush, and one for a royal flush.  The only other place I’ve even see that was at the airport in Portland, Oregon.  And man, my fridge is so big, you could fit at least two or three bodies in there–or enough beer to last the long weekend, in other words.

Speaking of which, you can see in the photo above that City Hall is just across the parking lot from my place.  I am so hosting the next Rob Ford pre-function pre-drinkathon.  Hey neighbour, can you spare a cup of gravy?

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Soooo, if you accumulate more workout hours than there are in a day, do you get an extra day off work?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Scientists at Texas Christian University have come up with a new way to try and scare fat people into hitting Gold’s Gym instead of the Golden Arches.  As CTV News reports, “A new study finds that restaurant guests who look at menus that show them an estimate of how much exercise is needed to burn off calories tend to choose lower-calorie options.”  The experiment, conducted with participants under the age of 30—cuz you won’t find too many frat brothers in their late 40s—found the menu that lists both calories and workout hours caused its guinea pigs to not only order less, but eat less as well.  Gee, I hope TCU was picking up the cheque, cuz they’re not getting their money’s worth otherwise…

However, just like having a gym in my neighbourhood doesn’t actually encourage me to join it, knowing how many workout hours are in my Whopper won’t actually make me work out.  In fact, I’d be more likely to see how many workout hours I could accumulate in one meal.  C’mon man, you think I’d actually work out for three days straight to burn off that quadruple bypass burger!?

Unfortunately, my accumulated workout hours can’t be banked for additional vacation days—I work in the private sector.  But if Rob Ford were to launch a “Workout Hours You Build Up But Don’t Use” challenge, I would definitely try to beat the mayor at his game.  Now pass the kindergartener’s-head-sized shawarma!

To be fair to Ford, he did just get fracked in the face with a f… erm, camera.

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Not wanting to be outdone by the Toronto Star with their latest As The Gravy Train Turns scoop, the Toronto Sun—that’s right, the Sun!—is reporting that Mayor Rob Ford said the f-word today.  And no, they’re not talking about “fried-chicken,” either.  According the Sun, Rob f’ing Ford exclaimed “Ah f—k man. Holy Christ!” as he bent over and grabbed his eye. “Holy. Guys have some respect, you just hit me in the face with a camera.”  Well I’ll be damned, if it ain’t another left-wing media conspiracy out to get The Mayor of This CityTM!

The culprit is said to be CityTV, those ethnically-diverse, bike-riding, pinko-commie headline-news reporters.  Deputy Mayor Doug Holyday has vowed vengeance upon the station, telling the media  ”I don’t know who did that but I’m sure they’re sorry” in his best Italian accent.  While they might not be swimming with the fishes at the soon-to-be-completed(?) Ripley’s Aquarium, it’s safe to assume City will now be getting its mayoral press-conference summaries secondhand from the Toronto Star!

As for His Lardship,  he’s expected to make a full recovery.  His press secretary told the Sun, “He’s a little sore but he’ll be okay.”  Nothing a few Texas Angus Third Pounders can’t fix, eh? ;)

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Attn All future Mayors of This City. Please suppress your gag reflex. Thank you.

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.thestar.com/news/city_hall/2013/04/02/mayor_rob_ford_makes_vomiting_sound_in_reaction_to_metrolinx_revenue_proposals.html

Although the Toronto Sun chose to focus on his assessment of the Toronto Blue Jays, other major media outlets, including the Toronto Star (who else?), are running with the fact that Rob Ford, The Mayor of This CityTM, made vomiting noises when told of a proposal to raise taxes for transit.  Hey, who’s to say he wasn’t simply trying to suppress his tax-allergy symptoms?  (The Sun’s take? Metrolinx taxes make Rob Ford gag.)  But don’t you know that the mere thought of tossing one’s cookies is unbecoming of any Mayor of this city?

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(Note to Olivia Chow: Better bring some Pepto Bismol on the campaign trail, lest you invoke the ire of at least 75 registered Star commenters…)

Mayor Rob Ford sez: “I did not have oral relations with that bottle of Jack!”

Posted by gruesomegreg on

After a front-page story in the Toronto Star (where else?) suggested that The Mayor of This CityTM has a major drinking problem, Rob F’n Ford went on the offensive today, calling the Star a buncha lying liars who lie to themselves lying down.  “It’s just lies after lies and lies and I’ve called you pathological liars and you are so why don’t you take me to court. Let the courts decide,” he told a news conference (as reported by the Star).  To his credit, Mayor Ford is 2-0 in court cases this year—but here I thought that the Court of Drunkenness only existed to break ties in Beerfest…

Of course, even if Rob Ford did have a drinking problem, the best time to come clean probably wouldn’t be at an event honouring George Chuvalo, the former heavyweight boxer who now lectures kids against substance abuse.  On the other hand, that could be just what the doctor ordered…

While I’m not saying I agree with everything in the Star, they do offer some pretty damning, albeit anonymous, testimony about Ford’s alleged drinking problem.  As per the Star story, His Lardship was thrown out of the Garrison Ball after he “stumbled and nearly fell on the stairs near the washrooms, according to people involved in organizing the event.”  This actually came a couple weeks before the infamous Assgate incident (has that name already been taken?) where he reportedly fondled Sarah Thomson’s fanny.  The Star notes that “perplexed staffers have said they rarely catch him drinking, fuelling suspicion that he binge drinks prior to events.”  Well duh, everybody knows that you pre-drink prior to any overpriced cocktail dinner—but doesn’t The Mayor of This CityTM get free booze at these things anyways?  Isn’t that one of the perks of the job?

In any case, Ford has reportedly denied he has a problem.  He’s apparently refused to meet with a “prominent individual who has also suffered from addiction,” and is said to have totally pulled an Amy Winehouse when staffers tried to make him go to rehab.  And no, I don’t mean that he choked on his own vomit.  You can’t really dust for vomit, anyways.

In any case, one might assume that the Star must be pleased with this latest development in As The Gravy Train Turns.  Not only does the salacious story sell lotsa papers, but Ford’s steadfast refusal of rehabilitation could possibly hurt his election chances.  As a former Ford staffer told the Star, “politically, Ford’s re-election machine believes coming forward publicly and seeking treatment wouldn’t hurt him.”  Pfft, I’d never vote for somebody who can’t hold his liquor—chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, Mayorseph! :P

We’re Number Four! We’re Number Four! (Statistically speaking, that is.)

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Toronto, the Centre of the Known UniverseTM, has also become its fourth-largest population centre (God Bless North America, and no place else!), according to its own Economic Dashboard report.  This means that we’ve finally overtaken Chicago, a city which, as per its CBS affiliate, has been shrinking since the 50’s.  Clearly, we don’t have to worry as much about getting whacked up in these parts…

The Mayor’s office celebrated this news with a statement proclaiming “Hey, we’re finally bigger than that place south of Winnipeg!  Who’s stopped the gravy train now, bitches!?”  (Okay, so it didn’t actually say that, but it’s already been proven that Rob Ford couldn’t find Winnipeg with a map and a compass…)  But other than that, there’s been very little news coverage.

In today’s Globe and Mail (or at least on its website), columnist Peter Scowen offers a few reasons why.  To summarize, Toronto couldn’t get any higher unless an earthquake wiped out the West Coast (which would have the added bonus of dropping Vancouver into the Pacific Ocean), Chicago still attracts a ton more tourists and, to directly quote Scowen, “If people around the world notice that Toronto is such a high-ranking city population-wise, they may start asking questions about who the mayor is.”  (But don’t you know already!?)

Of course, Peter might have a point, but I think everybody knows the real reason why Torontonians aren’t bragging about this City of Toronto report.  Everybody in The Known UniverseTM already knows we’re Number One! ;)