Tag Archives: restaurants

Why eat a sub with only six grams of fat when you can have one with 60?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

001

Every day at my nearby food court, the lineup for Subway snakes across the mall.  There are so many people waiting so long to put so many inches in their mouths… because it’s good for you, or so they say.  But when KFC decided to co-opt the so-called health-craze that is the submarine sandwich to create a decidedly unhealthy version, I was all over that like a baseball bat on Belladonna.  (Don’t look that up at work.)

Alas, the Colonel has unveiled an all-new lineup of KFC Filler Subs that offer an array of artery-busting goodness.  I had a tough time choosing between the Smoky BBQ Bacon and the Spicy Zinger varieties, but ultimately opted for the former.  The warm pair of breaded chicken breasts (cuz two breasts are always better than one) collided with crisp lettuce, tangy sauce and the occasional sliver of bacon on a soft bun for a heart attack in a paper wrapper that’s finger-lickin’ good.

If there’s one downside to the sandwich, it’s that the unconnected chicken breasts can slide across the bun, so that you take bites of nothing but lettuce and bread.  They could simply solve this problem by cutting the sandwich in half–but then you’re really just ordering two Smoky Bacon Big Crunches, aren’t you?

(Note that while KFC doesn’t provide nutritional information for its new subs, it says here the Big Crunch has 31 grams of fat.  And since there are two Big Crunches in one of these babies, I think that’s an accurate estimate.)

About these ads

New legislation to lower pizza prices? Best news I’ve heard all day!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

We might not be able to watch it being made on a webcam, but Canadians could soon be paying less for pizza, as early as next month.  The CBC is reporting that “A ruling made this week by the Canadian Dairy Commission could soon allow Canadian restaurants to buy deeply discounted mozzarella cheese.”  And since mozza is the main ingredient in pizza, that’s amore to my ears!

Acknowledging that pizza is part of the five essential food groups (along with chicken wings, nachos, steak and beer), the CDC has given mozzarella its own special category, dropping protectionist practices that drove its prices through the roof.  According to the CBC, “The new class, to take effect June 1, is expected to result in lower costs for Canadian-made mozzarella for restaurants that prepare and cook pizzas on site.”  Mamma Mia!

Bob Abumeeiz, who owns a pizzeria in Windsor, is almost as happy about this as I am.  “I’ve been in this business 17 years, and this is the first time cheese has ever gone down,” he told the CBC. “It’s unheard of.”  Kinda like low gas prices, right?  As another pizzaranteur told the national network,  ”This is like gas going down to 80 cents a litre. It’s better for everyone.”  (Mind you, I don’t drive, but I take it that’s a good price?)

Let’s just said I’ve got June 1st circled on my calendar.  I’m already psyching myself up for a pizza-eating contest…  against myself.

Mmm, pizza porn…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Always wanted to see how pizza was made, but unwilling to work for minimum wage?  If so, you just might be Italian, and you also might be interested in Domino’s latest innovation—a live webcam.  That’s right, if you get off on watching some pencil-necked geek toss dough in the air, you no longer need to pay for a monthly subscription to 2girls1crust.com.  Simply log on to dominoslive.com for some hot, crusty, doughy action!

As Forbes reports, “CEO J. Patrick Doyle called his company’s test ‘a logical extension’ of its efforts to boost ‘transparency’ over the last few years.”  Because if your pizza’s not ready in 30 minutes, you can type some dirty talk into the chat window, y’know, like “Show me the sausage,”  “Where’s the beef?”  or “Take off the mushrooms—I’m deathly allergic!”  (Hey, to some people, that’s a turn-on.)

Domino’s new strategy comes as arch competitor Pizza Hut unveiled its latest innovation to drive lazy-loser retention.  According to Forbes, “Pizza Hut upped the ante in the industry’s crucial digital milieu by unveiling a pizza-ordering app within Microsoft’s Xbox gaming system.”  That’s right, you can now order pizza without even pausing.  You’ll still hafta get up to pay the delivery guy, which might be a good time to empty out your piss bottle, while you’re at it.

Italians sure love to eat pizza—as long as they don’t hafta make it!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

You know the apocalypse is upon us when there’s a pizza shortage in Italy.  As The Telegraph reports, Italians are apparently too proud to produce the popular product, and the pizza-making industry is facing a labour shortage as a result.  “Despite a long recession and high unemployment, Italians are shunning the job because of the long hours and modest pay,” according to the British newspaper.  Wait, you mean all-you-can-eat breadsticks for $9.95 an hour isn’t incentive enough?  (Oh wait, that’s not Italy, it’s Pizza Hut.)

And here’s the kicker: what with the global economic downturn and the Eurozone crisis, Italians are actually eating more pizza—they’re just not making enough to meet demand.  As per The Telegraph, “with a slice of pizza an increasingly popular lunch time option in times of economic hardship, the pizza sector is booming – and an estimated 6,000 new ‘pizzaioili’ are needed, according to FIPE, an Italian business federation.”  Hmm, I guess they can’t outsource those jobs to India, eh?

But before you can say “Ai-yai-yai, pizza pie,” it’s Egypt to the rescue!  Having overthrown its authoritarian leader, The Land of The Pharaohs is now throwing dough up in the air—apparently with great aplomb.  As David Mandolin, head of the Italian School for Pizza Makers, told Corriere della Sera newspaper. “To make a good pizza, it needs to be crunchy but also digestible. Not everyone can do that, but the Egyptians can.”

So, what’s their secret?  “We are good at it because we are prepared to work hard. Italians, in contrast, want a nice comfortable office job where they can work six hours a day, five days a week, in air-conditioning. They’re not prepared to work 10, 12 hours a day,” an Egyptian emigrate told The Telegraph.  At least some cultural stereotypes still hold true, capiche?

LUNCH AND A MOVIE: Spring Breakers

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Ever since I first heard that Harmony Korine would be directing a “drug-and-violence fueled bacchanal” starring former Disney princesses Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson, I knew I had to see it.  Man, I wanted to see it badly enough to wake up early and try to score same-day tickets at TIFF.  (I just narrowly missed the cut-off window.)  I’ve kept occasional tabs on the film since then, knowing that it would open in theatres sometime around Spring Break.  It turned out to be a week late (unless you live in NYC or LA), but that still gave me time to catch it while it was still playing in the cinema; I certainly don’t envision a lengthy cinematic run, despite the media attention its stars are getting on Entertainment Tonight, etc.

Another thing I’ve wanted for a long time is a Five Guys burger.  They recently opened their first Toronto location at Yonge & Dundas, in a space partially vacated by the HMV Megastore.  It’s been there since last summer, but I hadn’t had a chance to go…  until today.  You could say it was a match made on a drug-and-violence fueled bacchanal in St. Petersburg, Florida–or something like that. ;)

Anyways, Five Guys Yonge St has a light-up sign in homage to the former Sam the Record Man next door, albeit on a much smaller scale.  Their open-concept establishment contains ample seating that allows you to watch what’s going on behind the grill.  The chalkboard proudly states that their potatoes come from Alberton, PEI, and there are several bags stacked near the entrance for your spud-porn pleasure.  It’s not much of a mystery as to how they got there–after all, the people of PEI have a key to the city.  Thanks, Mel Lastman!

Anyhoo, I had the double-cheeseburger with regular-sized Cajun fries and an iced tea.  The spread looked a little something like this:

002There are testaments on the wall as to how amazing the burgers are, and hey, they don’t disappoint.  Two thick, juicy patties with an abundance of free fresh toppings that enhance the palette; the sharpness of the pickles, the smoothness of the mushrooms (I loves me some mushroom burgers!), the almost-overpowering kick of the jalapenos.  It occurred to me that most places use banana peppers, not jalapenos, as burger toppings, and I was quickly reminded why between extended swigs of soda.

As for the fries, well, I think going Cajun-style mighta been a mistake.  The seasoning was a little too salty, ruining the taste of an otherwise perfect PEI potato.  And for the record, there were a lot more fries than seen above; just about as many in the paper bag as were in the paper cup.  They apparently don’t do trays at this place…

Anyways, while the food was all quite tasty–Cajun fries aside–the price was a little steep at $16 for the combo.  You’ll hafta take full advantage of all the free toppings, free peanuts and free refills to really get your money’s worth.

…

By comparison, paying 13 bucks to see the movie was almost a steal.  For my money’s worth, this is Korine’s best work–and not just because it’s showing at a Cineplex.  Suffice to say it was a major step up from his last production, Trash Humpers, which I actually saw at the Scotiabank Theatre (during TIFF, mind you).  That one definitely didn’t receive a widespread theatrical release…

So you’re a former Disney Channel actress who’s now reached adulthood and is trying to avoid being typecast as a high-school cheerleader or a princess.  What better way to break the mould than by appearing as a homicidal, drug-addicted, sex-crazed coed in various states of undress for 94 minutes?  At least, I assume that’s how this film was pitched to its female leads.  As for Franco, who plays a semi-parodic white-boy version of Lil Wayne meets Tony Montana, one can only assume he was high when he first read the script. ;)

Don’t get me wrong, as laugh-out-loud ridiculous as Franco’s “Alien” character is, he’s probably the most well-acted.  Only Gomez, who serves as sort of an early narrator, is really given any depth–and she gets sent home early.  The other girls sure look real purdy giving their bedroom eyes in teeny bikinis, but aside from their hair-trigger urges to commit armed robbery, these characters are fairly one-dimensional.

That being said, the cinematography is simply stunning.  Korine opens with a montage of Girls Gone Wild-style tits ‘n cheap beer to make it clear that this isn’t a Disney movie, and includes more crotch shots than a Globe and Mail cover.  The actresses are clearly portrayed as sex objects–but no more so than the crazy college girls you’d see in *insert freshman guy comedy here,* only these aren’t bit players, rather the stars of the show.  But the initial premise that these sex-starved sluts, who draw penises during a lecture about Hitler (to some degree of amusement) are so desperate to escape their college town for Spring Break that they’ll rob every place on Main Street seems a little flimsy, at best.

That being said, the storyline gets somewhat stronger, if equally surreal, in the second half, after the girls are bailed out of jail by Franco’s Weezy Scarface.  This is where the movie takes a dark turn, from spring-break escapism to the seedy underworld of a popular tourist spot.  And unlike a Hollywood action film full of car chases and explosions, the slow pacing and extended repetition (a Korine trademark) simply build tension to a final scene that’s almost on par with Django Unchained–albeit without the prevailing sense of social justice.  (Let’s just say that it’s the black folks who get shot.)

Of course, in watching this film, one can’t help but be reminded that the bikini-clad killers on screen were once the stars of High School Musical, Pretty Little Liars and Barney & Friends.  (Barney was actually Gomez’s first big break.)  There’s a whole subtext here about pushing the Disney girls to their limits.  Gomez, the youngest and least removed from her Disney days, takes off before the going really gets rough, while Rachel Korine (yes, Harmony cast his own 26-year-old wife in this picture!) is up for a solo, nude, post-gunshot shower scene before she takes the bus back to the sticks.

Benson and Hudgens, however, go all the way in a swimming-pool threesome with Franco that would be a lot steamier if the three co-stars didn’t all have “no naughty bits” clauses in their contracts.  Let’s just say that if this movie proves to be a career-killer for the young girl who rose to fame as Gabrielle Montez in those teenage TV movies, she just might have a future in the adult film industry.  With her sultry, come-hither expression locked on for the duration of the film, I can see why 12-year-old boys everywhere went wild over those semi-nude photos that surfaced online a few years back.  Zac Efron probably cried out of his penis while watching this film.  (I know I did.)

Alas, Spring Breakers is definitely not meant for teenyboppers of either gender.  Judging by the outspoken reaction of the 12-year-old girl behind me who snuck into the film, it’ll probably leave them scarred for life–or at least until they head off to college.  Methinks this means Korine hit his mark with this subversive soon-to-be cult classic.  And I’m sure we’ll be seeing this one at 2 am on Spike TV for generations to cum. ;)

I survived the Heart Attack Grill!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

What visit to Las Vegas would be complete without a visit to the gut-busting grill whose spokesmen are dropping left, right and centre?  Located on Fremont Street in the, erm, heart of downtown, this place draws its share of curious tourists.  I made sure to grab a seat within sight of the entrance, so I could scoff at the folks who came in, saw the size of the burgers on the menu, and ran away crying, with their tails between their legs.  Of course, I didn’t just come for the people watching.  I was determined to finish one of these artery-busting burgers, even if it killed me!

014

What, that doesn’t look like a big burger to you?  OK fine, how about a close-up?

015

Aren’t you glad you didn’t order a double?  Well, yes I am, actually.  I did get mine with bacon, though.  I must say that I initially thought five strips of bacon was a lot, but on this massive burger, they get sucked into the chili-cheese vortex, and practically disappear from the palette.  And here’s the bad news.  Although the Grill serves up great big burgers, they really aren’t great burgers.  The meat was pretty bland with an unappealing texture.  And while the red onions added a bit of sharpness, especially if you bit right into one, the overall taste was dominated by the chili, which was average at best.  If you’re not a fan of the chili cheeseburger, I’d definitely advise you to stay away.

On the other hand, the fries are fairly tasty.  Thick cut, skin on, like you’d get at a good chip shop.  Curiously enough, they look nothing like the Flatliner Fries on the menu.  Does that mean mine weren’t covered in lard?

But don’t think you can order a burger without chili, either.  These guys really stick to their guns.  I saw a family of three walk in, with a boy about seven or eight, and when he didn’t wanna put on the hospital gown (yeah, they make you wear those), the hostess sent them on their way after a word with the owner.  There’s also no sharing allowed, unless you order a Single Bypass.  Hey, you don’t need help digging your own grave, right?  (Erm, wait…)

And here’s the pièce de résistance: Their receipts blame Obama for the Nevada Sales Tax.  Well, that’s what I thought initially, but it occurred to me that it’s actually a subtle dig at Obamacare.  After all, they list your subtotal as “Medical Services.”

001(Because you’re gonna wish you had socialized medicine after you eat here!!!)

Oh, and for what it’s worth, I saw two big boys tip the scales at more than 350, which means that their Bypasses were on the house.  (This was before noon, mind you.  I’m sure there were plenty more throughout the day.)  Try getting that deal at an American hospital! ;)

Good news: IKEA will no longer be inviting its customers to eat shit!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

As if finding horsemeat in their Swedish meatballs wasn’t bad enough, the worldwide furniture giant has been forced to recall its chokladkrokant dessert after traces of coliform were found by inspectors in China.  That’s right, it couldn’t pass a Chinese food inspection test.  And you don’t even wanna know what’s on the menu in some of those places!

As the Shanghai Daily reports, IKEA “had 1.87 tons of its almond chocolate cake imported from Sweden fail tests for containing an excessive level of coliform bacteria, according to the General Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine.”  Also failing inspection were Big Crunch bars that caused bowel problems and an already-expired batch of Philly cream cheese.  I guess that annoying angel musta run out of room in her fridge…

Now, the presence of coliforms doesn’t necessarily mean that someone went caca on your cake.  It can also occur when oompa-loompas chocolate-factory workers don’t wash their hands before handling the product.  But I’d rather not eat anything that’s been contaminated by someone’s unwashed, poopy buttcrack—so I support the recall, in any case.

Of course, with this being the second item IKEA’s had to remove from its menu in a matter of weeks, one’s left to wonder what might be nixed next—Swedish Urinal Cake?  Salmonella with Hollandaise Sauce?  Rotten-Egg Salad Sandwich?  Note to self: Don’t go to a furniture store for the food.  I mean, isn’t that kinda like buying an army knife at Swiss Chalet, a Picasso at Pizza Hut or an alarm clock from Taco Bell?  (I was going to add a joke about paying for sex at McDonald’s, but hey, that actually happened!)

10 REASONS TO SEE MY STANDUP SHOW NEXT SUNDAY: 8. The menu at Absolute doesn’t contain confusing Italian words like “pasta,” “calamari” or “bottiglia.”

Posted by gruesomegreg on

In case you didn’t know, I’m doing a standup show at Absolute Comedy on Sunday, March 3rd at 3 pm (more info here).  I’m new to this whole live comedy thing, but I’ve been taking classes at Second City, and I reckon I’m getting ‘er rather good.  In case the everyday humorous content on my blog doesn’t convince you that my five-minute act is worth your five dollars, I’ll be giving you 10 more reasons to see my show over the next 10 days.  Here’s another one…

10. My act’s got more balls than Lance Armstrong, more legs than Oscar Pistorius, more hair than Rob Halford!

9. Absolute Comedy is conveniently located near Eglinton Station for your TTCing pleasure

8. The menu at Absolute doesn’t contain confusing Italian words like “pasta,” “calamari” or “bottiglia.”

Unlike Montreal hotspot Buonanotte, the Absolute Comedy club doesn’t try to trick you with a foreign language you’ve never heard before.  Their menu contains such staples as nachos, Greek salad and lasagna.  Wait… lasagna’s an Italian word, right?  Better not tell the OQLF!

Amateur Sunday Afternoon @ Absolute Comedy, 2335 Yonge St, Sunday, March 3rd. $5. Doors @ 2:30, show starts @ 3 pm.

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Wendy’s oughtta put poutine in English, damnit!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.ctvnews.ca/canada/pasta-on-montreal-menu-cooks-up-controversy-with-language-watchdog-1.1164367

In response to the Office Quebecois de la langue francaise insisting that an Italian restaurant offer menu items like pasta and calamari in la langue de Marois, this B.C. based commenter wonders how you say poutine in English…

cotd220

(BTW buddy, I believe the word you’re looking for is “cheese fries”)

This 155-pound chap eats more breakfast in a half-hour than I do in a week!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Now, doesn’t that just look delicious?  Man, I could dive right into this platter and stay there for a week!  Alas, only one human being has ever eaten this scrumptious spread in the alotted “one hour and it’s free,” some scrawny bloke named Robert Pinto.  It says here he only weighs 11 stones!

Of course, it must be mentioned that Pinto’s a competitive eater.  He finished the whole thing in 26 minutes–and here’s proof!  How is it that skinny guys kick ass at competitive eating, anyways?  I mean, The Great Kobayashi tips the scales at 128, but that man can put more meat in his mouth than a male escort on Pride Week!  Me, I can barely make it through a corned beef sandwich at the Carnegie Deli without having a heart attack…

Oh yeah, he works out.  To burn off the 6,000(!!!) calories, Pinto told The Sun “I went for a five-mile run, went to the gym and had a swim — you have to keep healthy.”  Sure, that’s easy for you to say, Mr. I-eat-6,000-calories-in-26-minutes!  (Oh, wait…)

It probably helps that he’s not chained to a desk, either.  The Sun reports that when not devouring English breakfasts in a single round, Pinto “runs clothes shop C3 in Stamford.”  Which, I presume, is a women’s clothing store…  Hey buddy, nice blouse!