Tag Archives: Only in America

Strippers AND bowling!? Best Sweet Sixteen evar!!!!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Y’know, I can’t even remember what I did on my 16th birthday, probably because it’s a meaningless milestone that offers very few advantages beyond the ability to get your driver’s license (which I didn’t obtain until I was 18, anyways).  I mean, a 16-year-old can’t even go to a strip joint—unless he gets his mom to bring some strippers to the bowling alley.  Yeah, that actually happened.

As ABC News reports, “A South Glens Falls, N.Y., mother of four is facing jail time after she is said to have hired two strippers to dance at her 16-year-old’s birthday party.”  Mother of four, eh?  I don’t even wanna know who she hired to babysit the younger kids!

But while some may think Judy Viger, 33, is the coolest parent since the Kennedys (JFK allegedly lost his virginity to a hooker as a 14th birthday present, look it up), other folks in the small upstate NY community, about a 3.5 hour drive north of New York City, don’t feel her son’s birthday was entirely age-appropriate—including the South Glens Falls Police Department, which “has charged Judy Viger with five counts of endangering the welfare of a child,” as per ABC. Hey, those topless dancers can be pretty dangerous.  After all, a stripper in Philadelphia once ruptured a man’s bladder!

But apparently there were no Bachelor’s Packages in the grab-bags at little Timmy’s b-day bash.  According to ABC, the CBS affiliate WRGB says the strippers didn’t know the attendees were underage and believe the incident is being “blown out of proportion.” So, they’re saying proportion was the only thing that got blown at the party, eh?

Alas, while Momma Viger could spend some time in the slammer for her little shindig, you can kinda comprehend her lack of discretion.  I mean, if she’s 33 and her son’s 16, she would’ve been about his age when the birthday boy was conceived.  And they say private parts are just for adults?  Hmm…

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Apparently, peeping is permitted when a person’s with a prostitute…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

In the infamous Zumba case that has rocked coastal Maine, a judge has upheld the dismissal of 46 counts of invasion of privacy against Mark Strong, the alleged prostitution-ring mastermind.  According to NH-based news site SeacoastOnline, the state Supreme Court ruling stated “Places of prostitution and people who knowingly frequent them to engage a prostitute are not sanctioned by society.  Accordingly, it is objectively unreasonable for a person who knowingly enters a place of prostitution for the purpose of engaging a prostitute to expect that society recognizes a right to be safe from surveillance while inside.”

Sooo, prostitution is evidently sanctioned by state laws, but not by society?  What if someone were to solicit a prostitute in a public restroom?  Would peeping through a hole in the wall not then be considered a criminal offence?

The prosecution certainly seems to think the right to privacy should be upheld.  But they’re not permitted to comment on the ruling, because, as Seacoast reports, there’s currently “an order from Justice Mills banning attorneys in the case from speaking with the media.”  Kind of ironic that the judge won’t allow the lawyers to appear on tape, eh? ;)

A toilet-paper registry? Man, that’s gotta be the Conservatives’ worst nightmare!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

You might not get too many rural farmers to register their guns, but when it comes to toilet tissue, well, that’s a whole ‘nother issue.  Along the lines of the logic that registered firearms lead to less shootings, a Pennsylvania high school has decided that registered toilet paper prevents vandalism.  No, really.  As the Republican-Herald of Pottsville reports, “Vandalism in Mahanoy Area High School boys’ bathrooms has resulted in toilet paper being issued by request as needed, a policy that one parent believes is embarrassing for students.”  Reporting to the principal every time you pinch a loaf?  I suppose that’s potentially problematic…

As if going to the office wasn’t bad enough, this registry concept is no bullshit, either.  According to the Herald, “Any boy needing the bathroom tissue must ask for it and sign it out.”  Erm, what happens if your name appears on the ledger on an all-too-regular basis?  Do they come into your homeroom and take away your Raisin Bran?  In fact, one concerned parent told the school board that some kids fake sick whenever they hafta take a shit.  “Yedsena said there are students who have been embarrassed to go to the office for toilet paper and instead would go to the nurse saying they’re not feeling well and go home instead,” as per the Republican-Herald.  Man, if getting out of class had been so easy back in my day, I might actually have eaten more vegetables! ;)

Of course, the traditional argument that if you take away the guns, bad guys will use knives also applies to the Mahanoy City school board’s ban.  As Principal Smith explains, “And after we took the toilet tissue out of there, people were throwing books. It was our way to try to curb the destruction in the bathrooms.”  Don’t tell me they’re about to ban books, too!

Turns out you actually need a license to sell guns at a beauty salon… Who knew?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

In America, there’s nothing wrong with selling guns at a hair salon, such as Tracey’s Dream Weavers Salon and Sporting Goods in Augusta, Kansas.  But when the man selling the goods happens to be a convicted felon with a firearms restriction, well, then you have a problem.  As Reuters reports, “A convicted felon pleaded guilty to dealing in hundreds of firearms without a licence from his wife’s beauty salon using the promotional slogan ‘where beauty and bullets collide,’ authorities said on Thursday.”  Where beauty and bullets collide?  Shouldn’t they save that for a headline when someone brings a gun to the Victoria’s Secret fashion show?

To her credit, Tracey’s website has nothing to suggest that she sells guns, except for its name.  It’s possible that any firearms references were removed following the criminal charges, but the URL remains beautyandbullets.com.  Wonder how much she had to pay for that domain, eh?

In any case, while Tracey “pleaded guilty to one count of failing to keep records of firearms transactions,” as per Reuters, her husband, Jeffrey Eberhart, got the book thrown at him.  According to the Reuters news agency, he was charged with “one count of dealing in guns for nearly three years even though he could not be licensed as a federal firearms dealer because he is a convicted felon.”  Who knew that Kansas gun laws were so specific!?  It’s also worth noting that his previous convictions included “prior illegal possession of a firearm.”  And here I thought all guns were legal in the good ol’ U S of A…

COMMENT OF THE DAY: In Texas, being liberal is grounds for self-defense…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/01/17/us-usa-guns-texas-idUSBRE90G1DA20130117

After New York Governor Andrew Cuomo signed anti-gun legislation earlier this week, his potential future Texas counterpart, Attorney General Greg Abbott (who has come up with three ways to defeat Rick Perry in 2014) has sponsored a series of advertisements in the NY media, inviting constitution-loving New Yorkers to the great state of Texas. “WANTED: Law abiding New York gun owners seeking lower taxes and greater opportunities” one of them reportedly says.  Included somewhere in the fine print is “Must be Republican,” right?

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“…’n gimme back my bullets after ah shoot yer ass!”

Computer programmer outsources own job; now seeking to outsource his job search?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

For most computer programmers, having their job outsourced to China is probably their worst nightmare.  But for one wealthy American, giving up a small chunk of his six-figure salary allowed him to become “the best developer in the building,” all the while Chinese programmers earning a pittance actually did all his work.  According to The Telegraph, “The software developer, who is in his 40s, is said to have paid a Chinese firm a fifth of his six-figure salary to do his job for him while he spent his working days surfing the internet.”  And were it not for the fact that his company feared they were being hacked by a Red Menace, he might have carried his scheme through to retirement, too!

The developer, and his former employer, have not been named, although his story was initially blogged about by Verizon Business, whose Andrew Valentine heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend, that type of deal.  This guy was described by Valentine as “inoffensive and quiet, someone you wouldn’t look at twice in an elevator”—it’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?  Furthermore, it is said he “would then spend his day browsing the internet, looking at sites such as YouTube, Reddit, eBay and Facebook before sending his superiors a daily status report and going home.”  Wait, what kind of company doesn’t block all the aforementioned sites in the first place!?

One that’s pretty gullible, apparently.  Valentine noted “Investigators had the opportunity to read through his performance reviews while working alongside HR,” finding that “For the last several years in a row he received excellent remarks.”  And if he had only outsourced his “clean, well written, and submitted in a timely fashion” code to an American programmer, he’d probably still be working today—although he’d likely be in a lower tax-bracket…

On second thought, if he was able to send his work out to China, what’s not to say he’s got cash stashed away offshore in a Swiss bank account?

COMMENT OF THE DAY: In 2112, hammers band you!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/president-obama-mulls-gun-control-steps-biden-recommendations/story?id=18213068

Citizens of Amercia, Judgement Day is upon you…  Tomorrow is the day that Obama takes your guns away!  Every last one of them!  Including the one you used to shoot the gator that had a mean look in his eye like he wanted to have sexual relations with your wife—so help you Reagan!

Oooor not.  But in any case, President Obama did hold a press conference today to say that tomorrow, Joe Biden’s task force will have some recommendations “for curbing gun violence” in the wake of the tragic Newtown shooting.  Methinks that “banding” hammers won’t be one of them:

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But hey, it’s probably safe to say that if the Priests of the Temples of Syrinx were against all forms of music, they probably wouldn’t be fans of firearms, either.  And did they not destroy that guitar with a hammer!?  (Sorry, that’s a Rush reference.  Y’all wouldn’t get it…)

Most confusing divorce hearing ever?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Kelly and Kelly Hildebrandt, a Florida couple who had the same first and last name even before they tied the knot, have now filed for divorce.  As NBC News reports, “After the couple separated, male Kelly returned in March to his hometown of Lubbock, Texas, where family and friends live and where his tree-service business is situated.”  Apparently, the pair had irreconcilable differences—beyond which college football team to root for.  “It’s hard to get a cowboy out of Texas,” he had told the Toronto Star.  They just don’t have great steak in Florida, pardner!

Tis the end of a mediatized marriage that saw its seeds planted on Facebook.  According to NBC, “The tale of the two Kellys began in February 2009, when Kelly Katrina Hildebrandt, of Coral Springs, found the Facebook profile of her future spouse. She saw that they had the exact same first and last name and sent him a friendly greeting to note their shared name.”  After many PMs, wall posts and a couple friendly pokes, the two Hildebrandts were married by the end of the year.  People even published their wedding photo.  But soon, things went as sour as three-year-old orange juice.  “How do they term it at the courthouse? Irreconcilable differences, that is what I would say,” Hildebrandt told NBC.

Alas, while the cowboy is happy to be back in Texas, he says he’ll be blocking the next female Kelly Hildebrandt who friends him on Facebook.  “I wouldn’t want my future spouse to have to deal with everything from before,” he said. “That wouldn’t be a fair situation, given the media coverage.”  Incidentally, while his former spouse could not be reached for comment, she’s reportedly gone as far as deleting her Facebook page.  Looks like same-name lightning doesn’t strike twice!

COMMENT OF THE DAY: I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna tip you anymore!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://insidescoopsf.sfgate.com/blog/2013/01/10/customer-makes-a-political-point-with-his-lack-of-tip-at-cupola/

Obama may only have raised income taxes on Americans making more than 400K in order to avoid the fiscal cliff, but that doesn’t mean everyone’s content with the increase.  In fact, one Bay Area Republican is protesting by handing out these not-so-clever cards in lieu of a generous gratuity at some of San Fran’s less-than-extravagant restaurants:

To be fair, our raging right-winger did leave a three-dollar tip with his 37-dollar meal—which amounts to a measly eight per cent, mind you.  Of course, I’m sure that was but a mere fraction of the terrific tips he left waiters during the Bush Administration, right?

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(Y’know, I reckon the responsible thing to do would be to cook your own freakin’ meals in the first place…)

Who needs fiscal responsibility when you can just print large currency?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

With the U.S. Congress scheduled to vote on raising the debt ceiling yet again in a couple months, a new idea to solve America’s economic woes has started to gain popularity: the trillion-dollar coin.  No, really.  It appears that a few prominent Americans are loony for the trilloonie.*

As the Financial Post reports, “The idea is that after it was created, [Treasury Secretary Tim] Geithner could walk it over to the Federal Reserve, and deposit it in the Treasury’s bank account. Then the Treasury, rather than having to issue new debt (because remember, Congress hasn’t raised the limit) can make sure its checks clear against this money.”  Hmm, didn’t Zimbabwe print bazillion-dollar bills back in the day?  How did that work out for them?  In any case, Zimbabwe’s plight doesn’t deter such public figures as New York Democrat Jerrold Nadler, who said in a recent interview “you tell the Federal Reserve to make a platinum coin for one trillion dollars, and then you deposit it in the Treasury account, and you pay your bills.”

In any case, proponents of the trilloonie point out that unlike Zimbabwe, the Fed wouldn’t mint trillions of trilloonies and send them into circulation.  This would be a one-time only deal to reduce the deficit.  But printing 16 of them, now that would cause hyperinflation, apparently.  Here’s hoping that if this platinum coin is printed, no pictures are taken for public consumption.  If an expert counterfeiter were to get a whiff of the trilloonie, the net worth of some American crime figures would increase exponentially—provided they could find a bank to cash it in, mind you…

 

*not actual name of proposed currency, I just made that up. ;)