This week, the findings of a study entitled “Rushton’s r–K life history theory of race differences in penis length and circumference examined in 113 populations” in the journal Personality and Individual Differences were made public, leading to a steady stream of cock talk–at least across the pond. A Google News search in English reveals just 68 articles on the study, with the bulk coming from UK, India and Africa-based websites. It seems that the American media is so busy covering its own dick-measuring contest, to be decided next month, that they musta missed this study.
But that’s not to say people aren’t talking about penises in other languages, too; a French search on the subject (“Taille du pénis“) brings up some 12,300 results, although they’re not all necessarily related to the study. Of note, the Times of India laments “Indian men’s manhood among lowest in the world,” the French Tribune remarks “German Penis Better than the Briton’s, Says Study” while the Sowetan states “Mzansi men don’t measure up to African brothers.“ But dive in a little deeper, and you’ll discover that, when it comes to European men, the isle of Iceland is well ahead.
The Telegraph, which pridefully points out “British men have bigger penises than those in France” above a silly-looking picture of Nicolas Sarkozy, while gleefully reporting that “the Irish are the second smallest at 5.03in,” also notes that “In Europe, Icelanders are the best endowed at 6.5in.” Several other reports I’ve read use centimetres, but I’m glad at least one media outlet has converted it into porn-star units of measurement. For what it’s worth, Italy and Sweden round out the podium in the Euro Cock–though the Congo takes the cake at 7.1 inches.
But here’s the thing, the study’s all bullshit. Or, at best, it’s about as credible as an informative article on Wikipedia. Y’see, Richard Lynn and his University of Ulster cohorts didn’t dispatch grad students across the globe, armed with measuring tape, asking citizens of the world to drop their pants for science. Instead, they got all their information off the internet. *facepalm*
Jelte Wicherts, professor of methodology at Tilburg University, Holland, is quoted in at least a couple places (including The Telegraph) as saying: “This is a brave paper in a controversial area but the data has no methodology.” French left-wing newspaper Libération goes one step further: they accuse Lynn (a noted racist and eugenicist, btw) of taking his data from The Penis Size Worldwide map and deliberately misinterpreting it. As they point out, with some relief, the map measures French baguettes at 6.3-inches–a full inch longer than Lynn gives them credit for. And yes, that puts them well ahead of the English bangers. “La fierté gauloise est donc sauve!” Libération exclaims (albeit in brackets, and without an exclamation mark).
And while Lynn’s assertions weren’t widely reported in the North American media, it’s worth noting that both the study and the map have Canadian Timbits at 5.5 inches, putting us well ahead of the USA, Australia and Russia, among others. Dead-last, incidentally, belongs to North Korea (3.8 inches), which goes a not-so-long way in explaining why their late leader was always so ronery. Of course, I’m sure the North Korean state media added 10 centimetres to their results in its front-page story…
On that note, it seems that Icelandic Pönnukökurs aren’t quite as big as Lynn suggests, either. According to the penis map, my ancestors boast trouser volcanoes of 5.7 inches, putting them behind France, Italy, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Bosnia, Bulgaria, Georgia and the real big wieners, Hungary, whose schnitzels actually measure 6.5 inches–according to a map on the internet. Interestingly enough, the map is missing data from Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan and Tajikistan. Where’s Borat when you need him?