“You’re listening to Rape Pig FM, where we play twice the music, so you can do twice the blow!” OK, so that’s not the name of the station, but my hometown has got me feeling down about a destination at the bottom of the dial that’s taking the radio edit to a whole new level. As the CBC reports, “90.3 AMP Calgary has been running a new format that edits songs to half the length — meaning it can run 24 songs an hour instead of 12.” They say they want to keep listeners “engaged,” though it sorta seems like a sorry excuse to play twice as many Nickelback songs–or perhaps just a whole hour of James Hetfield saying “Yeah!”
In any case, the move to this mind-numbing format has angered Calgary’s biggest musical export–and no, I ain’t talkin’ bout Chad Kroeger and co, who hail from Hanna…where you’re not allowed to speak bad about Nickelback (or anyone else). Back in the mid-to-late 90’s, when Plastic Man and his Pyro Band were still cutting their teeth in Lethbridge, local singer-songwriter Jann Arden owned the airwaves with her boring brand of whiny, pap-smear pop. Put it this way: I can’t remember the last time I heard “Wonder Drug,” but I’m pretty sure I still know all the words!
But lately, Arden has been more in the news for her bad behaviour than her insipid tuneage, most notably telling VIA Rail to eat her bra after getting kicked off a train. Can’t say I sided with her then–I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to dogs–but hey, if she wants to tell Rape P…erm, AMP FM to feast on her panties, then I’d be OK with that; just as long as I don’t have to picture it. Thankfully, she didn’t go there, but she still said some nasty stuff, including offering a dick enlargement to the station’s program director. Speaking of mental images…
Suffice to say, Steve “Not a Sex Pistol” Jones was not amused, taking his complaint about being cyberbullied by an adult-contemporary singer to the Toronto Star, that bastion of fairness and equality (as long as your name’s not Ford). “We teach our children not to cyberbully, but to find myself at the brunt of small penis jokes or jokes because I’m bald is bizarre, especially from an artist who has talked about being judged on weight,” he told Canada’s National Paywall. Not above resorting to flame wars himself, Jones added that his network only played Jann Arden on “two or three” stations in the Maritimes anyways, as per The Star.
OK, so add those two or three stations to my list of FM radio to avoid…right up there with 90.3 AMP Calgary. ;)