Never thought I’d say this, but I actually agree with Jann Arden!

“You’re listening to Rape Pig FM, where we play twice the music, so you can do twice the blow!”  OK, so that’s not the name of the station, but my hometown has got me feeling down about a destination at the bottom of the dial that’s taking the radio edit to a whole new level.  As the CBC reports, “90.3 AMP Calgary has been running a new format that edits songs to half the length — meaning it can run 24 songs an hour instead of 12.”  They say they want to keep listeners “engaged,” though it sorta seems like a sorry excuse to play twice as many Nickelback songs–or perhaps just a whole hour of James Hetfield saying “Yeah!”

In any case, the move to this mind-numbing format has angered Calgary’s biggest musical export–and no, I ain’t talkin’ bout Chad Kroeger and co, who hail from Hanna…where you’re not allowed to speak bad about Nickelback (or anyone else).  Back in the mid-to-late 90’s, when Plastic Man and his Pyro Band were still cutting their teeth in Lethbridge, local singer-songwriter Jann Arden owned the airwaves with her boring brand of whiny, pap-smear pop.  Put it this way: I can’t remember the last time I heard “Wonder Drug,” but I’m pretty sure I still know all the words!

But lately, Arden has been more in the news for her bad behaviour than her insipid tuneage, most notably telling VIA Rail to eat her bra after getting kicked off a train.  Can’t say I sided with her then–I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to dogs–but hey, if she wants to tell Rape P…erm, AMP FM to feast on her panties, then I’d be OK with that; just as long as I don’t have to picture it.  Thankfully, she didn’t go there, but she still said some nasty stuff, including offering a dick enlargement to the station’s program director.  Speaking of mental images…

Suffice to say, Steve “Not a Sex Pistol” Jones was not amused, taking his complaint about being cyberbullied by an adult-contemporary singer to the Toronto Star, that bastion of fairness and equality (as long as your name’s not Ford).  “We teach our children not to cyberbully, but to find myself at the brunt of small penis jokes or jokes because I’m bald is bizarre, especially from an artist who has talked about being judged on weight,” he told Canada’s National Paywall.  Not above resorting to flame wars himself, Jones added that his network only played Jann Arden on “two or three” stations in the Maritimes anyways, as per The Star.

OK, so add those two or three stations to my list of FM radio to avoid…right up there with 90.3 AMP Calgary. ;)

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C’mon man, did Chavril really hafta go and tarnish Canada Day?

In case we didn’t already have enough things to detract from Canada Day on July 1st, the date is now certain to live on infamy (until divorce do them part).  Not only is it Pride Week and the Euro/World Cup of soccer every even year, but it will henceforth be known as Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne’s wedding anniversary.  As if your CanCon-approved long-weekend soundtrack wasn’t shitty enough already!

And while the so-called “Canadian rock royalty” *vomit* reportedly held a red-and-white-themed wedding, their nuptials did not occur on Parliament Hill, nor in Napanee, Ontario, or even in Hanna, Alberta—but rather in the south of France.  Uh, “Vive la musique libre?”  According to nauseating gossip site E Online, an unnamed source said Lavigne “picked Cannes because she’s spent significant time in Paris in the past few years and summered in places like St. Tropez,” adding “It’s her favorite place to be.”  Now if only she could convince her husband and his bandmates to relocate, I would raise a toast to that every year!

In the financial world, rumour has it the news of the Nickelback-Sk8ter Boi nuptials sent the Canadian dollar plunging to its lowest point in almost two years.  Hmm, didn’t these two meet two years ago?

Because sometimes, you just wanna break shit…

Before Terry and Deaner move up to The Mac in Fubar 2, they throw a going-away party, destroying their Calgary abode with Dio blasting in the background.  Alas, it seems this form of stress relief is starting to catch on—all the way out in Serbia, of all places.  As The Associated Press reports, a couple teens in Novi Sad have set up a “Rage Room,” allowing people to take out their anger on furniture for a mere six-dollar fee.  That price includes “the right to smash a chair, a table, a bed, a coat-rack and a book-shelf, along with items such as framed photographs, empty cans and plastic containers.”  No word as to who’s pictured in those framed photos, though I’m guessing they’re Serbia’s answer to Nickelback. ;)

But while beating on the ‘Back with a baseball bat might leave you banged-up and bruised, the Rage Room’s owners put safety first, providing all customers with a helmet, protective eyewear and gloves—and giving them “a CD that includes information about professional therapists and how to contact them” after they trash the place.  The management also makes it clear in writing that, while it might be therapeutic, “the Rage Room does not aspire to offer medical assistance.”  So if you give yourself a heart attack while ripping through that couch, well, it looks like you’re on your own, пријатељ.  (In case you’re wondering, it’s pronounced prijatelj.)

But no matter how awesome you feel after you smack a coat-rack, a Serbian psychologist warns the AP that in the long run, it ruins your restraint—turning you into a raging, uncontrollable monster like The Incredible Hulk or Jerry Sandusky.  “In a stressful situation, one can count to ten, or take calm, deep breaths,” Sanja Marjanovic says, adding “It’s much more useful to practice yoga.”  Maybe so, but yoga’s much less entertaining than doing some damage with a sledgehammer!

Hanna’s sign will soon read “Home of Nickelback… Where you can’t make fun of them!”

The small town of Hanna, Alberta, nationally renowned for producing the most annoying Canadian rock band of all-time, has just passed a new bylaw that prevents people from making fun of Nickelback—or anyone else, for that matter.  As the CBC reports, “The town, 210 kilometres northeast of Calgary, passed a new anti-bullying bylaw prohibiting insults and name-calling.”  What a bunch of… sorry, the bylaw prohibits me from finishing that sentence. :P

“We’re certainly not here to be the thought police or take freedom of speech out, but to me abusive language and stuff that leads to bullying has never been freedom of speech or shouldn’t hide behind freedom of speech,” Mayor Mark Nikota told the national network.  This means, however, that Hanna’s favourite sons will have to get with the program.  In their hit song “Rockstar,” Chad Kroeger proclaims “I want to be great like Elvis without the tassels/Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes,” which isn’t a very nice thing to say about autograph seekers.  Furthermore, in their smash hit “Never Again,” Kroeger disses his daddy, singing “Father’s a name you haven’t earned yet/You’re just a child with a temper”—and that’s to say nothing of the band’s numerous Twitter flame-wars, including that time they insulted an injury-prone Atlanta Braves pitcher.  With so many bylaw contraventions, they might hafta give back the key to the municipality!

Mind you, if all it takes to prevent Nickelback from ever coming back to your town is some draconian piece of legislation, then perhaps Toronto could follow suit by bringing back public stoning, but only in the case of bleach-blond, whiny rock singers—oh, and throw in NHL commissioners, while we’re at it.  Right now, that’s about the only way Rob Ford could win back my vote in the upcoming by-election. ;)

This just in: Chad Kroeger pays Nickelback roadies to rape metal fans!

Metal fans may not turn out in droves at Nickelback concerts, but when Chad Kroeger saw one backstage in Germany, he thought it would be funny to pay a roadie to put his dick in there.  This was revealed in a recent interview with Men’s Health magazine, but since I’d rather pour bleach in my eyes than read the whole thing, I’ll simply accept this second-hand report from some South African TV station:

He told Men’s Health magazine: “We were in Germany years ago and we were just bored. In a back room in the venue where we were playing, there was an old fan with a metal blade.”  (Erm, Metal Blade has put out a whole lotta records over the years; care to be more specific?)

“I don’t remember the last time I saw a fan with a metal blade.”  (That’s cuz your fans still listen to Limp Bizkit!)

“And we paid the drum tech (…) I think we got the pot up to about 600 deutschmarks. At this time Germany hadn’t converted to the Euro yet.”  (I’m told that roadies can usually get some by telling girls they can “meet the band” afterwards.  And this guy got paid, to boot—even if it was in an outdated German currency!!!!)

When asked what the roadie exactly did for the money, Chad, 37, replied: “Stick his johnson in the fan.”  (Heh-heh, you said Johnson!  Shut up Beavis!)

“I can still hear the ‘bleh-bleh-blehhhhhhh’ of the blade slowly sputtering to a stop, and this blood-curdling scream. It was fantastic.”  (Yeah, I don’t blame her.  Who wants to raped by Nickelback’s road crew—with Chad Kroeger laughing in the background?)

Wait, I think what he’s trying to say is there was a huge metal fan backstage.  Erm, I hope that guy got his money’s worth…

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Rob Ford more embarrassing than disco, mullets and Nickelback!? Whoa…


Although the Toronto Sun continues to suckle Rob Ford’s ba11s, as one person wrote, it would appear that its comment section is no longer filled with Ford supporters.  Y’see, having a mayor hauled before the courts might be common practice in Detroit or Chicago, but when it happens in The Centre of the Known UniverseTM, well it’s pretty embarrassing—if you voted for the guy, I guess.  Me, I just find it funny, the next act in a lengthy slapstick routine.

I take it this commentor never had a mullet, danced to disco or rocked out with his cock out to Nickelback, then?

Jersey Shore announces final season; spray-tanning profits set to plummet…

In the saddest news story I’ve seen today (Bahaha!  Sorry, couldn’t say that with a straight face), MTV has announced that the upcoming sixth season of Jersey Shore will be its last, Entertainment Weekly reports.  According to EW, “Shore was one of the most polarizing shows in TV history, but no one can deny its enormous success and pop culture influence.”  True, but no one can deny the enormous success and pop culture influence of Nickelback, either, so, y’know…

Apparently, the show’s ratings have been slipping, with its proverbial jump-the-shark moment coming when they flew the entire cast to Italy for Season Four.  As EW reports, “an ambitious overseas expedition to Italy for the show’s fourth season marked the beginning of the end, with Shore‘s numbers slipping notably for the first time. A return to Seaside in January saw ratings drop further, to 7.6 million for the fifth season premiere.”  Sadly, that’s still 7.6-million people who think spray-tans are cool.

EW also mentions that the cast are getting older and moving on—to their own Jersey Shore spinoffs, that is, noting “Though MTV has not yet announced a verdict on Pauly D Project, the Snooki series was picked up for a second season.”  And if you thought that was scary, consider this quote from MTV reality executive Chris Linn: “I would love to have a Snooki-Jionni wedding.  That could be amazing.”

As if watching Gene Simmons get married on cable TV wasn’t bad enough…