C’mon man, did Chavril really hafta go and tarnish Canada Day?

In case we didn’t already have enough things to detract from Canada Day on July 1st, the date is now certain to live on infamy (until divorce do them part).  Not only is it Pride Week and the Euro/World Cup of soccer every even year, but it will henceforth be known as Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne’s wedding anniversary.  As if your CanCon-approved long-weekend soundtrack wasn’t shitty enough already!

And while the so-called “Canadian rock royalty” *vomit* reportedly held a red-and-white-themed wedding, their nuptials did not occur on Parliament Hill, nor in Napanee, Ontario, or even in Hanna, Alberta—but rather in the south of France.  Uh, “Vive la musique libre?”  According to nauseating gossip site E Online, an unnamed source said Lavigne “picked Cannes because she’s spent significant time in Paris in the past few years and summered in places like St. Tropez,” adding “It’s her favorite place to be.”  Now if only she could convince her husband and his bandmates to relocate, I would raise a toast to that every year!

In the financial world, rumour has it the news of the Nickelback-Sk8ter Boi nuptials sent the Canadian dollar plunging to its lowest point in almost two years.  Hmm, didn’t these two meet two years ago?

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Because sometimes, you just wanna break shit…

Before Terry and Deaner move up to The Mac in Fubar 2, they throw a going-away party, destroying their Calgary abode with Dio blasting in the background.  Alas, it seems this form of stress relief is starting to catch on—all the way out in Serbia, of all places.  As The Associated Press reports, a couple teens in Novi Sad have set up a “Rage Room,” allowing people to take out their anger on furniture for a mere six-dollar fee.  That price includes “the right to smash a chair, a table, a bed, a coat-rack and a book-shelf, along with items such as framed photographs, empty cans and plastic containers.”  No word as to who’s pictured in those framed photos, though I’m guessing they’re Serbia’s answer to Nickelback. ;)

But while beating on the ‘Back with a baseball bat might leave you banged-up and bruised, the Rage Room’s owners put safety first, providing all customers with a helmet, protective eyewear and gloves—and giving them “a CD that includes information about professional therapists and how to contact them” after they trash the place.  The management also makes it clear in writing that, while it might be therapeutic, “the Rage Room does not aspire to offer medical assistance.”  So if you give yourself a heart attack while ripping through that couch, well, it looks like you’re on your own, пријатељ.  (In case you’re wondering, it’s pronounced prijatelj.)

But no matter how awesome you feel after you smack a coat-rack, a Serbian psychologist warns the AP that in the long run, it ruins your restraint—turning you into a raging, uncontrollable monster like The Incredible Hulk or Jerry Sandusky.  “In a stressful situation, one can count to ten, or take calm, deep breaths,” Sanja Marjanovic says, adding “It’s much more useful to practice yoga.”  Maybe so, but yoga’s much less entertaining than doing some damage with a sledgehammer!

Hanna’s sign will soon read “Home of Nickelback… Where you can’t make fun of them!”

The small town of Hanna, Alberta, nationally renowned for producing the most annoying Canadian rock band of all-time, has just passed a new bylaw that prevents people from making fun of Nickelback—or anyone else, for that matter.  As the CBC reports, “The town, 210 kilometres northeast of Calgary, passed a new anti-bullying bylaw prohibiting insults and name-calling.”  What a bunch of… sorry, the bylaw prohibits me from finishing that sentence. :P

“We’re certainly not here to be the thought police or take freedom of speech out, but to me abusive language and stuff that leads to bullying has never been freedom of speech or shouldn’t hide behind freedom of speech,” Mayor Mark Nikota told the national network.  This means, however, that Hanna’s favourite sons will have to get with the program.  In their hit song “Rockstar,” Chad Kroeger proclaims “I want to be great like Elvis without the tassels/Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes,” which isn’t a very nice thing to say about autograph seekers.  Furthermore, in their smash hit “Never Again,” Kroeger disses his daddy, singing “Father’s a name you haven’t earned yet/You’re just a child with a temper”—and that’s to say nothing of the band’s numerous Twitter flame-wars, including that time they insulted an injury-prone Atlanta Braves pitcher.  With so many bylaw contraventions, they might hafta give back the key to the municipality!

Mind you, if all it takes to prevent Nickelback from ever coming back to your town is some draconian piece of legislation, then perhaps Toronto could follow suit by bringing back public stoning, but only in the case of bleach-blond, whiny rock singers—oh, and throw in NHL commissioners, while we’re at it.  Right now, that’s about the only way Rob Ford could win back my vote in the upcoming by-election. ;)

This just in: Chad Kroeger pays Nickelback roadies to rape metal fans!

Metal fans may not turn out in droves at Nickelback concerts, but when Chad Kroeger saw one backstage in Germany, he thought it would be funny to pay a roadie to put his dick in there.  This was revealed in a recent interview with Men’s Health magazine, but since I’d rather pour bleach in my eyes than read the whole thing, I’ll simply accept this second-hand report from some South African TV station:

He told Men’s Health magazine: “We were in Germany years ago and we were just bored. In a back room in the venue where we were playing, there was an old fan with a metal blade.”  (Erm, Metal Blade has put out a whole lotta records over the years; care to be more specific?)

“I don’t remember the last time I saw a fan with a metal blade.”  (That’s cuz your fans still listen to Limp Bizkit!)

“And we paid the drum tech (…) I think we got the pot up to about 600 deutschmarks. At this time Germany hadn’t converted to the Euro yet.”  (I’m told that roadies can usually get some by telling girls they can “meet the band” afterwards.  And this guy got paid, to boot—even if it was in an outdated German currency!!!!)

When asked what the roadie exactly did for the money, Chad, 37, replied: “Stick his johnson in the fan.”  (Heh-heh, you said Johnson!  Shut up Beavis!)

“I can still hear the ‘bleh-bleh-blehhhhhhh’ of the blade slowly sputtering to a stop, and this blood-curdling scream. It was fantastic.”  (Yeah, I don’t blame her.  Who wants to raped by Nickelback’s road crew—with Chad Kroeger laughing in the background?)

Wait, I think what he’s trying to say is there was a huge metal fan backstage.  Erm, I hope that guy got his money’s worth…

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Rob Ford more embarrassing than disco, mullets and Nickelback!? Whoa…

From: http://www.torontosun.com/2012/09/04/council-embarrassing-not-the-mayor

Although the Toronto Sun continues to suckle Rob Ford’s ba11s, as one person wrote, it would appear that its comment section is no longer filled with Ford supporters.  Y’see, having a mayor hauled before the courts might be common practice in Detroit or Chicago, but when it happens in The Centre of the Known UniverseTM, well it’s pretty embarrassing—if you voted for the guy, I guess.  Me, I just find it funny, the next act in a lengthy slapstick routine.

I take it this commentor never had a mullet, danced to disco or rocked out with his cock out to Nickelback, then?

Jersey Shore announces final season; spray-tanning profits set to plummet…

In the saddest news story I’ve seen today (Bahaha!  Sorry, couldn’t say that with a straight face), MTV has announced that the upcoming sixth season of Jersey Shore will be its last, Entertainment Weekly reports.  According to EW, “Shore was one of the most polarizing shows in TV history, but no one can deny its enormous success and pop culture influence.”  True, but no one can deny the enormous success and pop culture influence of Nickelback, either, so, y’know…

Apparently, the show’s ratings have been slipping, with its proverbial jump-the-shark moment coming when they flew the entire cast to Italy for Season Four.  As EW reports, “an ambitious overseas expedition to Italy for the show’s fourth season marked the beginning of the end, with Shore‘s numbers slipping notably for the first time. A return to Seaside in January saw ratings drop further, to 7.6 million for the fifth season premiere.”  Sadly, that’s still 7.6-million people who think spray-tans are cool.

EW also mentions that the cast are getting older and moving on—to their own Jersey Shore spinoffs, that is, noting “Though MTV has not yet announced a verdict on Pauly D Project, the Snooki series was picked up for a second season.”  And if you thought that was scary, consider this quote from MTV reality executive Chris Linn: “I would love to have a Snooki-Jionni wedding.  That could be amazing.”

As if watching Gene Simmons get married on cable TV wasn’t bad enough…

Bieber Fever–the next major epidemic?

An actual study done by a University of Ottawamasters student and her professor has found that Bieber Fever is more infectious than measles, according to the National Post.  “The study found that the hysteria over singer Justin Bieber has the ability to spread effortlessly to children all over the world, with no signs of stopping.”

The study also states “Through constant exposure, Bieber fever has incubated and spread. Millions are already infected, with more at risk every day. Action is urgently needed.”  A known antidote has yet to be developed, but here’s hoping it doesn’t involve listening to Nickelback.

The study’s authors suggest that the only way to end Bieber Fever would be the “Lindsay Lohan effect,” an endless amount of bad press.  Or if Bieber were to flash “his” vagina upon leaving a cab, I’m sure that would traumatize his young female fans, as well…

SEARCH TERM OF THE DAY: Now, that’s just disturbing…

How is it that the search term “Chad Kroeger Topless” brought 13 people to this site today?

Well, it turns out that by making reference to a New Zealand DJ who lost a bet and got the singer of Nickelback sucking, erm singing into a schlong tattooed on his ass in a post I made about tax reform, I now appear pretty high up on the image search results for people who thought they wanted to see Chad Kroeger shirtless, but decided they’d rather see him tattooed on a guy’s ass.  What does that say about those 13 people?  You tell me…

The best thing I’ve seen on Twitter since Bob Rae called bullshit!

I guess when you’re the “biggest rock band in the world,” you can keep someone on the payroll to answer tweets all day.  But not only does Nickelback respond to the fans who wanna know when they’re coming to town, they also call out the haters with their good ol’ Alberta country boy grammar:

Apparently you don’t need to spell well to be Nickelback’s PR person.  You just need to have bad taste in music…

10+ Shitty Stadium Songs that I never wanna hear again!

So, I was watching some college football this afternoon, when the stadium started playing the top song on this list during a crucial, late-game video review.  I wanted to either turn off the TV or throw something at it, but I had to know whether the touchdown would be called back, so I sat through an agonizing two minutes till the ref put down his headset to make the call.  This incident got me thinking about other songs I can’t stand hearing at sporting events.  As a fan of both sports and music, it’s rare that the tunes played at a game truly satisfy me, but these songs in particular really get me riled up, and not in a good way.

10. Anything by Nickelback

Now, I’m not an elite athlete by any stretch, but I just can’t imagine anyone who is getting fired up by Nickelback.  Rather than being inspired to achieve greatness, I’d be focused on just how much this band sucks, to the point that if I was playing first base and the batter came to the plate with a Nickelback tune playing, I’d probably pull a Bill Buckner when the ball was hit my way, then proceed to punch the base-runner in the face for having such crappy taste in music.

9. “YMCA” by The Village People

C’mon man, this is the 21st century.  Does anybody still think the YMCA is a popular dance–aside from stadium DJs?  As far as sporting dance crazes go, this one is worse than The Wave, the Chicken Dance and the Macarena–combined!

8. “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd/ “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” by John Denver

Unless you’re actually in Alabama, or some other backwoods, dirt-poor, redneck country-bumpkin hoedown, these songs should not be played in public.  Yes, I’m talking to you, Calgary Saddledome DJ…

7. “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex

While this probably doesn’t get as much airplay at the ballpark as it did in the 90′s, this Swedish sack of shit song has sure had a lot more staying power than “Whoomp There It Is” or “Who Let the Dogs Out?”.  I haven’t been to a Flames home game in a couple years, but I know they were using this song as the musical accompaniment to their “Make Some Noise – Fanometer” well into the aught’s.

6. “Breaking the Law”/”Living After Midnight”/”You Got Another Thing Comin’” by Judas Priest

Maybe if the arenas stopped playing these songs at sporting events, Judas Priest would be less compelled to play them on their arena tours.  Rob Halford doesn’t even sing “Breaking the Law” live anymore, letting the fans do all the work.  That’s how sick of it he is!  (Gimme “Sinner,” “Exciter” or “The Ripper” over those three tunes any day!)

5. “Blitzkrieg Bop” by the Ramones

Don’t get me wrong, the Ramones wrote lotsa great, catchy, memorable songs.  But this wasn’t one of them.  Johnny Ramone musta electrocuted himself on the intro, cuz he just bangs out the same scratchy guitar static for the duration, while Joey, fresh off a glue-sniffin’ session, garbles out garbage lyrics like “They’re pilin’ in the back seat/They generate steam heat”.  What’s truly sad is that for most of those kids who wear Ramones shirts purchased from Hot Topic, this is the only Ramones song they know.

4. “Freeze Frame” by the J. Geils Band

This putrid pile of 80′s pop would probably be a forgotten novelty if it hadn’t been adopted as the “Official Instant Replay Song” by several NFL stadiums.  Whenever there’s an important call to review, it’s almost a given that we’ll be bombarded by “I could see it was a rough cut Tuesday/Slow motion weekdays stare me down…” Makes me wonder if the refs are equipped with noise-cancelling headphones in the booth.

3. “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond

I don’t get it, when did this song become associated with sporting events–and why!?  I could swear that I’d never hear it when I started going to Flames games in the 90′s.  I mean, it’s bad enough if someone sings this one at a karaoke bar–a whole arena full of people singing it is even worse!

2. “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister

When I was a kid, I used to think this song was pretty badass.  That was before it started appearing everywhere from Broadway musicals to allergy-medicine commercials.  Not to mention that it’s usually the first choice for “Visiting Team Just Scored a Goal/Touchdown Music” at many a football field and hockey rink.  This song sure lives up to its name now–I can’t take it anymore!

1. “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey

Long before Glee brought this song back into everybody’s living room, it was being blared at obscene volumes at sporting events across the continent.  The worst is in Detroit, where they mute the second line of the second verse so the crowd can scream “Growing up in Soooouth Deeetroooiiit!”  I actually had to hit the mute button on the OSU-Michigan game on account of this shit.  And here’s hoping they realign the Red Wings to the Eastern Conference next year so I don’t hafta watch ‘em host Calgary more than once a season.  That is, as long as the Jets haven’t adopted “Takin’ Care of Business” by Winnipeg’s own Randy Bachman as their official in-game anthem…

While I wouldn’t put them on this list, I gotta say that the Flames have kinda ruined “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash and “Shot Down in Flames” by AC/DC for me, songs which are overused at the Saddledome for celebratory purposes.  But at least I can still listen to them.  After line-dancing to “TNT” in Grade 10 gym class, I can’t stand that song anymore.  (It was one of AC/DC’s most overrated, anyways…)

Of course, I can’t really comment on which songs are played to death at Rogers Centre or the ACC, as I only go to games at those facilities when Calgary’s in town.  It does seem like the former’s the only place that still plays that 80′s rap song “Jump On It” nowadays though, and I have seen some drunken Argos fans (both of them) shake their asses to it.  Male Argos fans, mind you!