You know, in my time in Toronto, I’ve seen a handful of sludge bands come and go with little fanfare. Zoroaster and Weedeater might draw half-decent crowds when they come to town, but the closest thing to a local sludge metal band with a respectable following was Shallow North Dakota, and they broke up maybe five years ago. (They were also from Hamilton.)
I have always said this city could use some more sludge bands, but when the genre languishes in complete obscurity, it doesn’t encourage local musicians to “Tune Low, Play Slow” as Kirk Windstein would say. So I wanna start a band that gives 80’s pop songs the sludge treatment. I’m sure that Kirk would approve. After all, he did cover “Dream Weaver”…
Yes, I know that this is a little fucked up, but when I hear bad 80’s music on the radio, I sometimes replay it in my head with downtuned riffs and bellowed vocals. There are certain tunes that I feel are deserving of the sludge treatment, which I won’t name here, but I’m always open for other suggestions. Not that I’d take requests on stage, cuz that’s kinda lame.
In any case, I’ve already come up with the perfect name: Eyehatethe80s.
So, here it goes…
MUSICIANS WANTED FOR SLUDGE METAL 80’S COVER BAND
Seeking guitar, bass and drums for sludge metal outfit, to perform 80’s pop songs in the style of Crowbar and Eyehategod. Looking for people who can play slow, keep time, and own Sleep’s full discography (including both Jerusalem and Dopesmoker). Reliable gear is a plus, must fund own drug habit.
Practices will occur in downtown Toronto at least once a week. A bigger time commitment is required in the beginning, in order to determine set list. Creative input required in coming up with ways to make “Come On Eileen” sound truly evil. Must be able to craft slow, downtuned riffs from syrupy pop ballads. Backing vocals is a plus.
Looking for dedicated, passionate individuals with at least a couple screws loose. If you think that “I Think We’re Alone Now” would sound better if it was sung by Mike IX Williams, I want to hear from you. Serious inquires only.
Yeah, this is going up on Craigslist … or not.