Tag Archives: Mitt Romney

COMMENT OF THE DAY: I guess that’s why they call him O-Bomb-a… (And by they, I mean idiots.)

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://bostonherald.com/news_opinion/local_coverage/2013/04/many_injured_as_two_huge_blasts_rock_boston_marathon_finish_line

Tragic news out of Boston, where an Iraqi-style bombing at the Boston Marathon has left several injured and unconfirmed dead.  The terrorists even seem to have taken down the Boston  Herald’s website, as their service is unavailable as I type this.  That being said, it only took a couple minutes for commenters to start blaming the President of the United States for the cowardly attack.  Because this never would have happened if Mitt Romney was in charge, right? *snicker*

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And here I thought Massachusetts was a Democratic state…

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COMMENT OF THE DAY: On second thought, I’d rather not see our senior senators having sex…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2013/apr/03/offshore-secrets-offshore-tax-haven

Big news breaking out of the British Virgin Islands, where some two-million documents revealing the stashed-away wealth of many business and political leaders of the free world have been leaked to the media.  According to the report, there could be as much as 32-trillion dollars hidden in offshore tax havens.  Man, that could certainly buy several islands—or, y’know, provide much-needed tax revenue to said wealthy individuals’ countries of origin.

So, whadda we do with these scumbags?  Lock ‘em up and throw away the key?  Slap them all with François Hollande’s taxe de richesse until they cry uncle?  One Guardian commenter offers an alternate solution:  Put them in (adult) movies!

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Alas, while I’m sure several struggling taxpayers would pay for the voyeuristic privilege of seeing the likes of Mitt Romney (allegedly) and Pana Merchant (reportedly) take it up the derrière, I’m personally not a big fan of old-people porn.  Just sayin’…

10 REASONS TO WATCH ME IN THE COMEDY BRAWL INSTEAD OF THE JAYS HOME OPENER: 8. This won’t be anything like last time. I promise.

Posted by gruesomegreg on

The Toronto Blue Jays home opener is now just 8 days away, and Rogers Sportsnet is kicking it into overdrive.  On Saturday afternoon, they aired a Jays spring-training game followed by Game 5 of the 1993 World Series.  Hmm, I think they might be trying to suggest something…  Sure, the Jays ought to be much-improved this season, but don’t bother trying to buy tickets for Opening Day–they sold out within the hour.  And hey, there are 162 games in a Major League Baseball season, so whether or not they beat Cleveland next Tuesday is of very little consequence.

On the other hand, there is a completely consequential comedy competition occurring April 2nd that features yours truly.  I’ll be part of a field of eight amateur stand-up artists vying for the princely sum of 30 dollars!  OK, so that won’t buy you a pair of nosebleed seats at Rogers Centre, but it is three times what a typical comedian makes in a night.  (Sadly, that’s no joke.)  Anyhoo, the top four performers will advance to the next round of the Comedy Brawl, so I could really use your vote!  In case you’re still on the fence as to whether you should watch baseball on TV or live stand-up comedy on the second of April, I’ll be giving you 10 reasons to choose the latter in the coming days.

Oh, and for more info about the April 2nd edition of the Comedy Brawl, click here.

10. I’m pretty sure I can throw straighter than R.A. Dickey.

9. There won’t be any anti-gay Spanish slurs on my eyeblack.

8. This won’t be anything like last time.  I promise.

He’ll even write you a cheque for your surgery…

They don’t call it a stand-up routine for nothing.  The thing is, you’re supposed to practice the same jokes until you can tell them in your sleep.  So last night, I dreamed of buttsex and the TTC.  I woke up with a sore ass and I was late for work.  Go figure!

In any case, while I will be repeating the best material from my last show, I’m also introducing some new jokes in place of the stuff that didn’t go over so well.  That’s what’s known as working on your routine.  On that note, I’m still trying to perfect my Jamaican accent, mon.  Only I don’t want it to be too good, cuz then it ruins the bit…

What de ‘ell iz ze whyte booi talkin’ boot?  You’ll hafta come to the Crown and Tiger next Tuesday to find out. ;)

Comedy Brawl Gauntlet #6 Tuesday, April 2nd @ Crown and Tiger, College and Bathurst, 8 pm. $5.

Mitt Romney helps man pursue his dream… of fighting Jose Canseco!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Politico is reporting that Eric Hartsburg, a 30-year-old “professional wrestler” (It’s still real to me, damnit!) will be getting his face tattoo of the Romney-Ryan campaign logo removed.  Hartsburgh, who was reportedly paid five-grand on eBay—that’s right, somebody paid him—for the Republican face-piece, told the website, “It stands not only for a losing campaign but for a sore loser.”  (The irony of that statement was apparently lost on him, unless he didn’t feel any pain when the needle hit his face…) 

That said, he won’t hafta pay—or get paid—for the laser treatment, as a company owned by some reality-TV guy in L.A. has offered to do it for free.  “I’m estimating that he’s probably going to need about seven to 10 sessions,” Dr. Will Kirby said. “It’s going to take the better part of a year.”  Just about time for the mid-term campaigns, eh? ;)

Alas, while Hartsburg doesn’t wish to be associated with the Mormon Massachusetts moderate any longer, he isn’t without regrets, knowing the impact the tattoo removal could have on his, erm, career.  

“With the tattoo gone, you can’t say, ‘Hey look, it’s the Romney face tattoo guy from TV,’” Hartsburg said. “I’ll still be that guy, but the tattoo’s gone, so some of the allure might be lost.” 

Then again, he might become known as the guy who fought Jose Canseco on TV, as Politco says he has a fight with the Bash Brother schedule next year.  Mind you, I’ve yet to see a credible source confirming this fight is actually going to happen—but Canseco would sure look like a pussy if he backs out now, I bet!

FRENCH WORD OF THE DAY: Mœurs

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Mœurs: A system of commonly-held cultural beliefs and behaviours, ie morals.

As seen in: « La création d’emplois et la question du relèvement ou de l’abaissement des impôts, plus que les questions de mœurs ou les relations internationales sont au cœur de la bataille idéologique que se livrent Barack Obama et Mitt Romney dans la course à la Maison Blanche. »

(Translation: “Job creation and the question of raising or lowering taxes, more so than moral issues or international relations, are at the heart of the ideological battle waged by Barack Obama and Mitt Romney in the race for the White House.”)

http://www.lemonde.fr/elections-americaines/article/2012/11/01/presidentielle-americaine-le-bilan-d-obama-les-promesses-de-romney_1779257_829254.html

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Campbell’s Chunky: Key to America’s Recovery?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/10/31/christie-greets-obama-in-new-jersey-prior-to-touring-ravaged-coast/

As Barack Obama visits hurricane-ravaged New Jersey a week ahead of the election, Garden State Governor Chris Christie has gone on record saying that he’s not interested in whether Mitt Romney follows suit, adding that it’s not about presidential politics at this time.  Surely, he didn’t get the memo that Romney would be bearing gifts…

(Not only that, but it’s part of a balanced diet, too!)

Not only does Romney have God (aka Clint Eastwood) on his side, he also has Meat Loaf in his corner!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Last night marked a major turning point in the US presidential election, as Governor Mitt Romney secured a rock-star endorsement that is sure to put him over the top—the one, the only, the urine-drinker, Meat Loaf!  The Bat Out of Hell (Part IV) was quick to sing the praises of the Romney-Ryan ticket, defiantly telling a crowd in Defiance, Ohio, “Paul Ryan has not pushed me off the cliff in a wheelchair” and adding that only Romney could stop the Cold War.  

“The other night when President Barack Obama, God bless him, said to Mitt Romney, ‘The Cold War is over.’ I have never heard such a thing in my life.  There is one man who will stand tall in this country and fight the storm and bring the United States back to what it should be — Gov. Mitt Romney!” he said.  It seems that Meat, whose magnum opus finally cracked the top 10 in 1981 after a couple years on the charts, has been frozen in time ever since.

Romney, for one, could have been more thrilled with his ringing endorsement.  “Was it not just amazing to have Big & Rich performing, and then Meat Loaf? I mean Meat Loaf was here, can you believe it?” he asked his partisan supporters.  Some people say he could be heard muttering under his breath “At least he didn’t bring an empty chair on stage, the fat Boone”—but hey, at least he didn’t call him a bullshitter…

On a side note, Meat Loaf’s endorsement comes the same day that “Bat Out of Hell” was named as one of the “Top 5 Tracks that are better than sex” by music service Spotify.  Word has it the song was a popular choice amongst respondents over 65 who haven’t had sex since 1977—a key Romney demographic. ;)

FRENCH WORD OF THE DAY: Quadrillage

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Quadrillage: The dividing of an area into squares or sectors.  Figuratively, this can be used as a translation of “crisscrossing,” ie drawing lines across the map.

As seen in: « Barack Obama et Mitt Romney, après un dernier débat, entamaient mardi le sprint final de la campagne présidentielle, synonyme de quadrillage inlassable des Etats qui pourraient faire la différence dans deux semaines, sur fond de sondages très serrés. »

(Translation: “Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, after their final debate, started the final sprint of the presidential campaign Tuesday, synonymous of the indefatigable crisscrossing of States that could make the difference in two weeks, based on a very tight race in the polls.”)

http://www.20minutes.fr/monde/1028404-etats-unis-apres-debat-obama-romney-jettent-sprint-final

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Binders full of child brides?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/17/opinion/cardona-binders-women/index.html

In the first debate, it was Big Bird.  The second time around, Mitt Romney’s comments about receiving “binders full of women” has quickly escalated into an internet meme.  But where did he get the idea from?  An online commentor, who likely has no knowledge of Mormonism, offers this suggestion:

(Technically, none of the aforementioned have reached womanhood yet, FWIW…)

FRENCH WORD OF THE DAY: Joute

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Joute: A battle or test of wits between two men; literally, a joust.

As seen in: « Le réseau Twitter s’enflamme régulièrement lors des grands débats télévisés politiques. Ce fut encore le cas lors des joutes oratoires entre Barack Obama et Mitt Romney. »

(Translation: “Twitter lights up regularly during televised political debates, which was the case once again during the verbal jousts between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney.”)

http://www.01net.com/editorial/578053/twitter-senflamme-pendant-le-deuxieme-debat-obama-romney/