COMMENT OF THE DAY: “Porn is timeless and ageless!”

From: http://www.thedailybeast.com/cheats/2013/04/18/google-glass-resale-forbidden.html

Need I say more?  OK, fine.  Rumour has it that Google Glasses will come with a special self-destruct switch, which, if resold or even lent to someone else, will cause the second-hand user’s face to melt and eyes to burn…  or something like that.  Truth be told, there’s some speculation that the deactivation policy only applies to the early beta prototypes, but hey, why would you wanna give up your personalized portable porn stash, anyways?

cotd418

Future lame excuse: No ma’am, I wasn’t using my Google Glasses to cheat on the test—I was just looking at porn for “relaxation purposes.”

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Forget about this Mini nonsense–Apple needs to start making phones for fat people!

Right, so my big, fat Luddite ass just got with the 21st century and bought an iPhone.  No, not an iPhone 5, but an iPhone 4S.  And when I say bought, I mean got for free by renewing my contract with my service provider.  Prior to this I did not have a smartphone, but rather an LG flip-phone with a keypad–and I can’t emphasize keypad enough here.  Short of a Blackberry, this last-gen device is perhaps the best equipped piece of mobile phone technology for sending off a rapid-fire tweet or text message.  I miss it already!

Y’know, I guess all Apple users must have small, dainty hands, those graphic designers and 12-year-old fangirls and whatnot.  But me, I do not.  My hands are huge, like two frying pans with sausage fingers–and I keep hitting the wrong letters on this freakin’ touch keypad!

Now, dialing phone numbers isn’t so bad, as the number-pad is much larger, but the letter pad is a different story.  Snicker at Samsung all you want, Steve Jobs worshippers, but I actually wish I had a stylus right now.  The worst part?  Since my old sim card was roughly half the size of an iPhone 4S, I had to re-enter all my contacts in by hand.  Well, not all of them.  If you don’t live in Toronto anymore–or I don’t see the need to speak with you nowadays–you’re probably not in my new iPhone.  (I don’t think you’ll miss me, anyways.)

In any case, I’m now in the process of installing Twitter, Facebook and other social media apps, so I should be fully good to go by tomorrow–right after I upgrade to a wireless modem that is.  (Believe it or not, I’m actually running Windows 7, but only because my old laptop crapped out after six years, so I had to get a new one.)  Next step is to upgrade from my 15-inch TV, then I’ll officially be a 21st Century Schizoid Man, or something of the sort…

Nokia sez… Take a look at what our new smartphone can do! (Smartphone not actually used in demonstration)

If you’re going to shoot a commercial advertising your new phone’s photo-stabilizing capabilities, it might help to actually use the phone in question to take the pictures.  However, someone forgot to state the obvious to Nokia, who have recently been busted for faking images that were meant to be taken with their new Lumia 920.  In the online video, as observed by TheVerge.com, “there’s a curious reflection in the window of the trailer in the background,” revealing “a big white van with a lighting rig and a cameraman standing in the doorway — with what appears to be a large camera rig,” not a camera-phone.

To their credit, Nokia has owned up to the incident, issuing an apology on their website.  Noting that the ad was a simulation, “we should have posted a disclaimer stating this was a representation of OIS only. This was not shot with a Lumia 920. At least, not yet.”  No word as to when they’ll reshoot the commercial, mind you…

One thing that’s certain is that the phone isn’t living up to analysts’ expectations.  As the CBC reports, “Most analysts were unimpressed with the Lumia 920, which is Nokia’s attempt to catch up to rivals and make a mark in the competitive smartphone market.”  The company’s shares dropped 16 per cent to close at a paltry $2.38 yesterday.  But on the brightside, they aren’t being sued for patent infringement.  At least, not yet…

Google sees your South Korean dashboard-mounted TV, and raises you… a car that drives itself!

Next time you have a few too many drinks during an all-nite gambling spree in Vegas, you can count on Google to take you back to your hotel.  Well OK, they haven’t made them available to the public yet, but Google’s self-driving car just passed its driver’s test in Nevada, the first state to allow “autonomous vehicles” on its roads.  The cars have special red license plates with an infinity sign and the words “AUTONOMOUS VEHICLE” on them, which are currently only available to test vehicles from technology firms.

Furthermore, in addition to 113 dollars in license and registration fees, Nevada requires self-driving car owners to “purchase a surety bond of $1 million to put up to 5 vehicles on the road.”  That would take one helluva hot streak to get that kinda dough—unless you’re a major corporation.

These miracle machines have already accomplished such astounding feats as taking a blind man to Taco Bell and automatically upgrading him to Fries Supreme, and even though one got into an accident, it wasn’t the computer’s fault.  But while the Google search engine hasn’t been hacked in recent memory, one might come to rue the day when you hafta call Geek Squad, not a mechanic, to fix your car.  I guess you’ll just hafta avoid downloading porn to your Toyota Prius, to be safe.