An Iranian scientist is claiming to have accomplished an achievement equalled by no one in his field since Doc Brown in ’85—and he didn’t even need a Delorean to do so!  As The Telegraph reports, Ali Razeghi’s invention, The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine, “can predict the future in a print out after taking readings from the touch of a user.”  Using a complex combination of advanced algorithms, theocratic  propaganda and good old fashioned bullshit, The Aryayek (named for its inventor’s favourite goat) can “predict five to eight years of the future life of any individual, with 98 percent accuracy,” he told the Fars news agency.

Soooo, that means the regime will be able to destroy all infidels, right?  “Naturally a government that can see five years into the future would be able to prepare itself for challenges that might destabilise it,” he said. “As such we expect to market this invention among states as well as individuals once we reach a mass production stage.”  Maaaan, I can’t wait to get my hands on one of these beauties!  So, what’s the hold-up?

“The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight,” Razeghi says.  Because all it takes is one CPC apparatchik with an Aryayek prototype to figure out how to make millions of a device that doesn’t even exist while all the world’s asleep.