Tag Archives: celebrities

Martha Stewart’s dating profile: Must be insider at profitable company, erm, “independently successful.”

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If you always wanted to date a decorator, your dreams could come true—if you’re between the age of 55 to 71, make over 150-grand a year and definitely don’t smoke.  Being able to match your curtains with your dining set is likely to be considered an asset, as is being a fan of the TV series “House of Cards.”  That’s right, America’s most high-profile mom-trepreneur is on the market, and she’s even created a profile on Match.com, thegoodlonglife—which also happens to be the name of her new book.  So it’s sorta like that guy who wanted to meet you on LavaLife and encourage you to vote Conservative.  (For the record, I no longer live in his riding.)

But perhaps this is more than a publicity stunt; can Martha Stewart really find love on the internet?  We know she’s looking for a younger man (relatively speaking), and she recently told the Today Show, ”I’d like to have breakfast with somebody. I’d like to go to bed with somebody. Sleep with somebody.”  No word as to whether the tape cut out before she added “Reorganize their linen closet.”  In any case, she’s reportedly been swamped with suitors.  As the New York Post reports, “More than 1,000 suitors requested to connect with the 71-year-old media mogul within hours of her profile being outed.” Wait, did Martha Stewart’s dating profile come out of the closet, too, or does the Post think Jason Collins just added himself to the internet?

The Post also reports that “Stewart enlisted her niece’s husband, Dan Slater, who wrote the book Love in the Time of Algorithms: What Technology Does to Meeting and Mating, to sort through the eligible bachelors.”  So if her date goes wrong, it’s the nephew-in-law’s fault!

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COMMENT OF THE DAY: Sunken pirate ship? Well, she does have a lotta booty…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/gossip/la-et-mg-gwyneth-paltrow-worlds-most-beautiful-woman-people-20130424,0,4936933.story

In their annual push to boost newsstand sales, People magazine has named Gwyneth Paltrow this year’s “World’s Most Beautiful Woman.”  Suffice to say this was not a popular choice, particularly amongst readers of the L.A. Times.  And the award for World’s Most Ridiculous Reaction goes to:

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I gotta say, I laughed at the Kardashian bit, but that last sentence?  Yeah, I’m not even going to touch that one…

Justin Bieber pulls an Axl Rose; pisses off all the parents of London in the process!

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A friend once said he gets excited whenever Guns ‘n Roses comes to town, cuz either he’ll get to see a great concert or take part in his first riot.  It seems that on top of firing all the other original members and turning Chinese Democracy into the longest-running joke in the music business, Axl Rose has developed a wee habit of showing up late for concerts—which is par for the course from a washed-up rock star.  But on the other hand, surely one would not expect such egotistical, disrespectful behaviour from Canadian teen idol Justin Bieber!

Think again.  As The Guardian reports, the Biebs turned hordes of screaming girls into boo-libers by appearing two hours late for a concert at London’s O2 Arena, pushing a show that was supposed to be over by 10:30 on a school night all the way back to 11:47 pm.  As one angry dad told the British tabloid, “We were all fans and now we hate him.”  Wait, we were all fans?  Speak for yourself, mate!

But as pissed as the parents were, their daughters were even more devastated.  As one enraged mother told The Guardian, “There were teenage girls crying outside. The ladies sitting with us had to leave after 20 minutes and they had spent £70 each on a ticket, which is really bad. It’s one thing if your demographic is 50-year-olds, but his demographic is lots of little girls who need to go home and go to bed.”

Methinks there might be a mass quantity of Justin Bieber posters in the rubbish when the trashman next makes his rounds in his lorry…

CBS sez… No bare fleshy under curves allowed!

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Reuters is reporting that America’s Most Watched NetworkTM doesn’t want to be caught with its pants down at the Grammys—and that goes for its performers, too!  In an email entitled “55th GRAMMYS: Standard And Practice Wardrobe Advisory” that was reportedly sent to all attendees, The Eye in the Sky lays down the law, explicitly stating that the following are not permitted:

  • buttocks and female breasts (must be “adequately covered”)
  • thong type costumes (considered “problematic”)
  • bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack (“please avoid exposing”)
  • bare sides or under curvature of the breasts (“also problematic”)
  • sheer see-through clothing that could  possibly expose female breast nipples (are male breast nipples OK, then?)
  • visible “puffy” bare skin exposure (not sure about this one, but it apparently has to do with the “genital region”)
  • commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts (what about on hoodies?)
  • Foreign language on wardrobe (unless it’s been cleared… calisse de tabarnak!)
  • OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST (WE!!!! CANNOT!!!! STRESS THIS!!!! ENOUGH!!!!!11110)
  • any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent’s wardrobe—which “would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory”

 Aaaaaand there goes any reason I had to watch the Grammys! :(

COMMENT OF THE DAY: And what if Hugh Hefner became the world’s oldest man?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/02/hugh-hefner-crystal-harris-married-may-december-couples_n_2396251.html

Not to be outdone by Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, Playboy boss Hugh Hefner has gone ahead and married his 26-year-old sweetheart, former Playmate Crystal Harris.  Of course, several people, not including Huffington Post contributor Ann Brenoff, assume that she married him for the money and he married her for the sex—but if this HuffPo commentor were to get his wish, things wouldn’t go exactly as (she) planned…

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Mind you, even if Hef makes it through another 30 years, something tells me his latest marriage won’t. ;)

Because really, The People’s Daily just needed an excuse to run a 55-photo spread of Kim Jong Un…

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Well, it seems that China is no better than Iran… when it comes to recognizing satire.  The Associated Press is reporting that Chinese Communist Party newspaper “The People’s Daily on Tuesday ran a 55-page photo spread on its website in a tribute to the round-faced leader, under the headline ‘North Korea’s top leader named The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2012.’”  Forget the fact that browsing through 55 pictures of Kim Jong Un would test the mettle of even the most fervent CCP supporter—they know The Onion’s a joke, right?

Apparently not.  The People’s Daily reportedly republished a couple paragraphs of The Onion’s piece, without a hint of irony.  ”With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile,” it said.  C’mon, did they really think he was that good looking?

 

Let’s overthrow the poor! There’s gonna be hell toupee!

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You gotta love Donald Trump.  The real estate mogul known more for his reality TV show and his crazy birther theories than his luxurious towers these days made such an ass of himself via Twitter on election night that he had to delete most of his tweets.  But on the internet, nothing ever really disappears…

The Toronto Star offers us some of the best responses to Trump’s Twitter tirade.  Let’s just say I liked the “hell toupee” one so much that I used it in this headline, heh heh…

Tyler Bozak in blackface as Michael Jackson? Erm, isn’t he forgetting about something?

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Clearly, the Leafs forward didn’t put too much thought into his Halloween costume, putting on some dark makeup in “a tribute to one of my fave artists.”  But unlike Raffi Torres, who dressed up like a goof last Halloween, Bozak’s boneheadedness doesn’t stem solely from his disregard for history.  The fact of the matter is that Michael Jackson was whiter than Tyler Bozak, even when the Leafs player isn’t wearing makeup.  Case in point:

 

What’s three times worse than Jersey Shore?

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If you thought reality TV was bad enough in English, it’s probably just as well you don’t speak French.  Jersey Shore may be starting its sixth and final season tonight, but it’s got nothing on Occupation Double, the long-running TVA reality show whose ninth season is now underway.  Though drawing upon the same viewership (at least within la belle province), it manages to be even more excruciating and unbearable.

Picture, if you will, a cross between Survivor, The Bachelor and Big Brother, with a cast of Jersey Shore castoffs speaking French, and if your head doesn’t explode, well, let me tell you more.  The show pits a baker’s dozen of young contestants (early to mid 20s) in a game of love where the winners get the keys to a new condo, his and hers Honda Civics and a brand-new wardrobe (apparently not by Affliction)–but only if they decide to spend the rest of their lives together.  Being that the show airs on TVA, property of Quebecor media mogul (and future Quebec Nordiques owner?) Pierre Karl Péladeau, we’re treated to a full-on media blitz of stories such as “Un gars et une fille quittent l’aventure” and “«Il n’y avait pas de chimie avec les gars» – Valérie” from the Canoe news network.  Furthermore, this season, Péladeau has brought in Sébastien Benoît, formerly a hard-hitting(?) news reporter, to add an air of over-dramatic feigned seriousness to the ridiculous concept.

Hugo Dumas, La Presse‘s TV critic, who is forced to watch this show in much the same way the Newark Star-Ledger‘s entertainment reporter feels obligated to cover Jersey Shore, offers a different perspective: these kids aren’t really looking for love, but, like most reality-TV “stars,” feel like they’re on the fast-track to fame.  Nevermind that, as per Dumas, only a couple past contestants ever made it as far as the V network, which is kinda like Quebec’s answer to CTV2.  (And here I betcha didn’t know there was a CTV2 channel!)  If you can’t bring yourself to actually watch the show, but aspire to date Québécoise strippers co-eds, Dumas’ column is a good read–if you speak the language, natch.

Speaking of which, the French you’ll hear on this show is nothing like the eloquent verbiage pronounced by cultured politicians or TV news reporters, or even the kind found in most Montreal movies.  In fact, they butcher the language so badly, in general, that TVA has to use subtitles–French subtitles!–half the time.  As Dumas put it, “Les téléspectateurs de TVA n’ont sans doute jamais autant lu en regardant la télévision.” (“TVA viewers have undoubtedly never read so much while watching television.”)  But hey, at least those French girls are pretty hot.

Ironically, TVA is channel 101 on Rogers Cable here in Toronto, which makes me smile whenever I turn that dial.  (If that went over your head, try asking a Jewish deli in Montreal why their sign says Charcuterie Hébraïque.)  Oh, and did I mention that this show airs not once, not twice but three times a week–Mondays, Wednesdays and a 90-minute edition on Sunday nights.  PKP must be laughing all the way to the bank!

How would you like to marry Tom Cruise? (Non-scientologists need not apply!)

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The October issue of Vanity Fair is set to hit shelves with a full-length feature detailing The Church of Scientology’s role in finding a new mate for Tom Cruise after he left Penelope Cruz in 2004.  Apparently, members of the cult were brought in to audition for a “training film,” and were subsequently asked questions such as “What do you think of Tom Cruise?”  As one of the Scientologists responsible for reviewing the audition tapes told the magazine, “You can’t do anything to displease Scientology, because Tom Cruise will freak out.”

Apparently, one of the people who passed the audition was Iranian-born actress Nazanin Boniadi, a future soap-opera star on General Hospital who now has a recurring role on How I Met Your Mother.  The daughter of a scientologist who has since left the cult, she apparently wasn’t affectionate enough for Maverick’s liking.  “I get more love from an extra than I get from you,” the actor reportedly complained.  He didn’t even bother to break up with her himself, getting a Scientology official to do it for him.  Surely Jerry Maguire would never do such a thing!

But wait, there’s more.  After being reassigned to a “Scientology Celebrity Centre,” a rat caught her snitching about her falling out with Ethan Hunt, and reported her to the guards, who forced Boniadi to “scrub toilets with a toothbrush, clean bathroom tiles with acid, and dig ditches in the middle of the night.” But the worst of her punishment was yet to come, when she was sent out into the street—copies of L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics in hand, to sell to passersby.  (At least they didn’t make her go door to door!)

Not surprisingly, the Church of Scientology is denying the Vanity Fair piece.  “The Church does not punish people, especially in [that] manner,” a spokesman said.  Then again, these people also say that aliens created the earth, so I wouldn’t take their word on it. ;)