So much for the smooth, easy-drinking taste…

Molson Coors Canada has issued a recall for its Molson Canadian Cider beverages due to an unexpected ingredient.  As per the CFIA, “The Canadian Food Inspection Agency (CFIA) and Molson Coors Canada are warning the public not to consume the Molson Canadian Cider described below because this product may contain harmful glass fragments.”  As opposed to those harmless, cute and cuddly glass fragments found on playgrounds, I presume.

The CFIA and Molson have recalled both individual and six-packs of glass bottles as a precautionary measure.  But don’t worry, you can still get it on tap at Toronto’s hottest club, Why Would You Drink That!?  This place has everything; Lakeport Pilsener, Old Vagina, Coors Light Ice Tea…

Speaking of which, the CFIA has yet to issue a recall on Coors Light Ice Tea, because it tastes terrible.  Still waiting on that one.

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COMMENT OF THE DAY: Canadian cell phone service providers—buying this guy beers since 1996!

From: http://www.cbc.ca/news/business/story/2013/06/03/business-crtc-wireless.html

The CRTC announced a new wireless code of conduct today, effective December 2nd, which would (among other things) allow consumers to break their three-year contracts without penalty after two years and cap international roaming charges at 100 bucks a month.  That said, the new code still does nothing to address those ridiculous roaming charges per megabyte…

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Sooo, under the new code, this guy would only need to receive about a dozen beers a month to break even!  (Methinks another Rogers rate hike oughtta do the trick.)

This just in: You CAN buy Old Style Pilsner in Ontario!

One of the most-read posts on this blog is an ode to Old Style Pilsner I composed some 14 months ago.  Granted, it’s not in the top 10 or top 20–but rather near the bottom of the top 40.  Even still, some 265 people (and counting) have come to this site trying to find out where to buy Old Style Pilsner in Ontario.  And until very recently, the answer was nowhere.

But that all changed sometime earlier this month.  Though I can’t find an announcement anywhere, The Beer Store now lists Pil amongst its products, with 15 cans currently on sale for 21 bucks.  They also sell bottles, albeit only in 24s.  You do not wanna drink 24 of those beers, though, trust me!

Now, I’m not sure whether demand was driven by a recent influx of Saskies to The Centre of the Known Universe, or perhaps a resurgence in popularity of the Canadian cult classic FUBAR and its sequel, FUBAR II.  Hey, maybe all those hits on my blog had something to do with it.  In any case, I’ll no longer hafta drink the bitter Czech semi-doppleganger whenever the Riders penetrate the Stampeder defence this summer–though it seems I’ll need to schlep down to Gerard and Seaton to get it. :(

With a winning lottery ticket—and 130 dollars—you can buy one bottle of Sam Adams in New Brunswick…

Now, I’ve had some eight- and nine-per-cent beers from Quebec, but I can’t imagine how a 27-per-cent beer must taste.  But according to the CBC, “The 54-proof Samuel Adams Utopias is among the strongest beers in the world. One 24-ounce bottle packs as much alcohol as a 12-pack of Bud Light.”  Pfft, who drinks one Bud Light, much less 12 of them?

That said, not everybody can quaff Sam’s Utopia, either.  For one thing, there’s a very limited supply.  And then there’s the hefty price tag—to the tune of $115 in Ontario, and $130 in New Brunswick.  But despite the princely sum, the LCBO’s stock sold out faster than a KISS concert a couple months ago.  So in the Loyalist Province, they’ve put up their meagre shipment up for grabs in a lottery.  Only the lucky winners don’t get a million dollars, or even a new car, but rather the privilege to pay KISS-concert prices for one bottle of beer.  Calling Dr. Love…

Apparently, with just 12 bottles available, several golden ticketholders will be going home empty-handed—or at least with a less-expensive beer.  “As of [Friday] morning we’re nearing 300 [entrants] and we expect that to rise,” a NB Liquor spokeswoman told the CBC.  Then again, as one CBC commenter remarks, “I’d rather get the enjoyment from the 72 regular beer you could buy for the same money.”  Wait, you can buy 72 beers for $130 in New Brunswick!?  As long as we’re not talking Lakeport here, I might consider moving.

In any case, I hope NB Liquor keeps its high-volume dozen in safer cases than a certain lakefront LCBO.  I mean, the cops never caught that guy in the Burberry shirt, did they?  (Methinks there might not be a lotta scotch left by the time they do…)

This just in: A bit of beer makes you a happy camper!

In another study for which I clearly missed the casting call, researchers at Indiana University found that “dopamine levels increased in men who consumed such a small amount of beer that the chemical boost could not be explained by the presence of alcohol,” according to CTV News.  The study, which tested 49 male subjects using a PET scan to see how much they liked Pierre Trudeau—and also to measure their happiness—found that a mere 15 ml of beer consumed over 15 minutes was enough to spike their dopamine.  Pfft, lightweights!

On the other hand, the study found that administering an equal dose of Gatorade had no positive effect.  Somewhere, Michael Jordan must be crying into a million-dollar bill.  On a generally more depressing note, researchers noted “the dopamine boost was more pronounced in the men who reported a family history of alcohol addiction.”  And if a little thimble of booze is all it takes to make an alcoholic happy, imagine how ecstatic they’ll be after 24 beers!

10 REASONS TO SEE MY STANDUP SHOW THIS SUNDAY: 6. There are no major sporting events occurring at this date and time. Don’t you need a reason to drink beer?

In case you didn’t know, I’m doing a standup show at Absolute Comedy on Sunday, March 3rd at 3 pm (more info here).  I’m new to this whole live comedy thing, but I’ve been taking classes at Second City, and I reckon I’m getting ‘er rather good.  In case the everyday humorous content on my blog doesn’t convince you that my five-minute act is worth your five dollars, I’ll be giving you 10 more reasons to see my show over the next 10 days.  Here’s another one…

10. My act’s got more balls than Lance Armstrong, more legs than Oscar Pistorius, more hair than Rob Halford!

9. Absolute Comedy is conveniently located near Eglinton Station for your TTCing pleasure

8. The menu at Absolute doesn’t contain confusing Italian words like “pasta,” “calamari” or “bottiglia.”

7. Rob Ford gives it a “Respect for Taxpayers” and a “Stop the Gravy Train!”

6. There are no major sporting events occurring at this date and time.  Don’t you need a reason to drink beer?

March Madness is not for a couple weeks, and the Super Bowl already happened, man.  In fact, the only televised sporting events airing Sunday, March 3rd at 3 pm are PGA Tour Golf, ACC Basketball and the Federal Liberal Leadership Debate.  Hey, if you like to get sloshed in your basement watching Trudeau and Garneau go at it, well… you’re even worse than I am!  Besides, they’re only competing to be the leader of the second opposition party in the House of Commons, right?

Meanwhile, Absolute Comedy offers a varied selection of draught and bottled beer, including Steamwhistle, Keiths, Keiths Red, Stella, Heineken, Corona, MGD, Canadian, Budweiser and real man’s beer–Coors Light!  In case you run out of it at home, that is. ;)

Amateur Sunday Afternoon @ Absolute Comedy, 2335 Yonge St, Sunday, March 3rd. $5. Doors @ 2:30, show starts @ 3 pm.

Well, if the Flames get waxed by the Wild this weekend, I’ll be wasted on wine coolers…

In the early days of this blog, a couple years back, I revealed the secrets to my CFL drinking game.  Now, us Alberta-bred Calgarians aren’t sophisticated folk–we don’t normally drink any of these fancy liqueurs.  So the CFL drinking game is pretty simple.  There are seven brands of beer, one associated with each CFL team, and when that team scores a touchdown against the Stamps, I consume a bottle of said associated beverage.  It makes a little more sense if you click on the link in the first sentence. ;)

I have tried to bring this drinking game over to the NHL, but with some 30 opposing teams, many of them based in states that don’t import their beer to Canada, associating booze with NHL franchises can prove to be difficult.  Of course, there are some no-brainers.  When Calgary plays Vancouver, I always have some Crazy Canuck in the cooler.  Likewise, I always stock up on Staropramen when Dallas is in town.

Some other associations aren’t quite as obvious.  For one thing, I’ve matched up Corona with the L.A. Kings–not because La-la land is full of Mexicans, but because Kings wear crowns, and Corona is crown in Spanish.  Meanwhile, I’ve had a hard time deciding which red beer to drink when Detroit scores on Calgary, but I think I’ve settled on Red Stripe.  Hey, Detroit’s population is 82 per cent black, so a Jamaican beer seemed appropriate.  Plus, I hear there’s lotsa violence in inner-city Jamaica…

That being said, I’ve had a hard time matching up a beer with the Minnesota Wild.  You’d think there’d be lotsa beers with “Wild” in their name–but they don’t sell any of them at The Beer Store.  You know what they do sell at the privatized half of Ontario’s liquor duopoly, though?  Poppers Wild Ice!  The Beer Store describes it as “a flavoured malt beverage with a blue fluorescent colour” boasting “a clean, crisp, pleasant after taste with a hint of berries”–aaaaand seven per cent alcohol.  It’s a good thing Minny only scores 2.2 goals per game…

GLUG FLAMES GLUG, GLUG GLUG…

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Two Cat Piss Lights, bartender!

From: http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-10-25/the-plot-to-destroy-americas-beer

As an in-depth Bloomberg Businessweek article reports, AB InBev has been hellbent on destroying its global beer brands—by brewing them in the States.  What the article doesn’t mention, mind you, is the secret ingredient used in their U.S. operations.  Of course, this is all just speculation, but y’know…

(God Bless American craft beer, and no place else!)

If I had a million dollars, I’d buy 71,684 Bare Naked Ladies beers!

Better believe it: Canada’s favourite(?) soft-rock goofballs now have their own brand of booze.  As the Toronto Star reports, “The BNL Strong Beer is definitely something you shouldn’t be polishing off on your own — not only does it come in a 750 mL bottle, [Flying Monkeys brewmeister Peter] Chiodo says it will be 11 per cent alcohol by volume.”  In other words, after a couple of those you might actually start to enjoy the Bare Naked Ladies’ music…

The chocolate-flavoured imperial stout is a collaboration between the Kraft-Dinner-eating hit-makers and Barrie-based craft brewery Flying Monkeys, purveyors of such other fine products as Antigravity Light Ale, Hoptical Illusion Almost Pale Ale and Smashbomb Atomic IPA.  As Brewmeister Chiodo tells the Star, “I was drinking some of the Pearl Jam beer, and they really only put their names on it. I thought it would be a lot cooler if there was something where the band actually came into the brewery and helped make it.”  Apparently Nickelback and The Tragically Hip wouldn’t return his calls, but the Ladies were all over the idea.  One trip to the brewery later, and the BNL beer was born.

But you can’t drink it just yet, whether you’re a millionaire, or not.  The Star says it won’t hit LCBO shelves (retail price $13.95) until “some time next month,” which should give you some time to decide which ketchup you’ll have with it. ;)

In the War on Real-Man’s Beer, you’re either with us, or you stand with the child pornographers…

Apparently, the best way for the Canadian beer business to grow and expand is to get more women on the sauce, according to a report by BMO Capital Markets.  As the Toronto Star reports, “Canadians are aging – which means they drink more. But they’re still not choosing beer, which has seen flat sales, while wine sales have soared since 1995, BMO says.”  Wait, Canadians drink more as they age!?  Personally, I can’t say I’ve been on as many benders lately as I did in my college days, but I suppose that I might go back to drinking on Tuesdays once I’ve retired, so fair enough.

Mind you, that assertion is somewhat misleading.  The BMO report states that we consume 18.2 gallons of beer per capita, the same amount as in ’95, while wine consumption has risen 70 per cent in 17 years—to a whopping 3.6 gallons per capita.  To say that we’re not choosing beer when we drink five times more beer than wine, well, let’s hope the Star corrects that in its evening edition.  In any case, it’s probably safe to say that beer is generally purchased in larger quantities; when was the last time you picked up a six-pack of merlot?

But back to the topic at hand.  Beer sales have stagnated across the country, with people turning to foreign wines and imported craft brews to meet their alcoholic beverage needs.  And a staggering 80 per cent of beer purchases are made by men, as per BMO.  So, how do we solve this gender gap?  In four words: Coors Light Iced T (or Bud Light Lime Mojito, if you prefer).  “Brewers are already trying to attract more women with lighter beers, and with beer-based drinks that incorporate the taste of liquors that have a strong appeal to women,” the study notes.  Wait, is this really a good thing?

Granted, it’s not like BMO Capital Markets is some small, boutique market-research firm, so chances are this report could find its way to the brewmeisters of this great nation.  So, in order to stop the market from being oversaturated by girly near-beers that taste like toothpaste, we’re gonna hafta step up our game, guys.  I hereby pledge to drink more real man’s beer in an effort to raise per capita consumption across the country.  Please join me in doing the same.