Tag Archives: bath salts

Su telefono… Un machetazo!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

As if the gun violence in Scarborough wasn’t bad enough, QMI Agency is reporting that a 17-year-old boy was attacked with a machete in Scarberia after he refused to let another teen use his phone.  Forget about the flow of illegal firearms into the country for a second—how the heck does someone smuggle a machete into Toronto?  It’s a long, long way from Chiapas, that’s for sure…

According to QMI, the victim even ran towards a TTC bus, but that didn’t stop our displaced revolucionista.  “The bus driver activated his emergency button and the machete-wielding suspect at first walked away and then returned to continue the attack.”  When police arrived, he was found hiding under a car—clearly knowing better than to bring a knife to a gun fight.  Meanwhile, the victim is in critical condition at an unidentified hospital.

Kinda makes that incident in Montreal, where a man was punched in the face for his iPhone, seem like a walk in the park, doesn’t it?  Forget about bath salts—let’s hope the cops don’t try to blame this one on Brujeria…

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Who’s to say he didn’t just eat a real tough cut of Alberta beef?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

A couple weeks after a Miami man helped himself to a homeless open-face sandwich, Calgary police believe they encountered a man intoxicated by “bath salts” in the southwest part of the city, according to the Calgary Sun.  And apparently, they’re not just for dinner anymore.  The cops were called to the Bridlewood home at 8:30 in the morning Saturday by the parents of a male in his twenties, who were reportedly “fearful of his behaviour.”  (And no, that doesn’t mean they caught him jerking it to kiddie porn, either…)

In fact, it got to the point where the man had to be restrained.  ”In the process (of controlling him) they discovered that he had an extremely high pain tolerance and he was acting very aggressively and combatively,” an inspector told the Sun.  And to think, the Stampede doesn’t start until next weekend…

Hey, that might be a way to get the animal activists off of our backs.  Replace the raging bulls and bucking broncos with drugged-up ravers, and see how many cowpokes can last 8 seconds on top of them.  I know I’d pay to see that!

Stephen Harper to ban bath salts!? What’s next, mandatory minimums for providing facials?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

The National Post is reporting today that the Conservative government is planning on banning bath salts.  This is outrageous.  Maybe Stephen Harper likes having dry skin, but he shouldn’t prevent the rest of the country from enjoying a little exfoliation every once in a while.

Not only that, but Epsom bath salts have all kinds of other health benefits, according to this handy-dandy website, including, but not limited to:

  • Improved heart and circulatory health, reducing irregular heartbeats, preventing hardening of the arteries, reducing blood clots and lowering blood pressure.
  • Flushed toxins and heavy metals from the cells, easing muscle pain and helping the body to eliminate harmful substances.
  • Relieved stress. Excess adrenaline and stress are believed to drain magnesium, a natural stress reliever, from the body. Magnesium is necessary for the body to bind adequate amounts of serotonin, a mood-elevating chemical within the brain that creates a feeling of well being and relaxation.
  • Prevention or easing of migraine headaches.

Gee, it sounds like using bath salts could add years to your life—and our right-wing, fascist dictators want to take them away from us!  I guess they’re hoping we all die sooner so they don’t hafta pay us OAS.  What’s next, extermination camps!?  We must stop Harper before it’s too late!!!!11110

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Oh wait, they’re talking about a drug that looks like bath salts, contains amphetamine-like substances and turns people into face-eating zombies?  Yeah okay, those probably should be banned, then. ;)