Tag Archives: American Psycho

Patrick Bateman needs 100-grand in the next two weeks–or he’ll stab you to death and play around with your blood!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

What could be better than American Psycho, one of the greatest films ever made about the pleasures of conformity and the importance of trends?  Well, how about an American Psycho musical?  That’s right, writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, director Rupert Goold and composer Duncan Sheik have conspired to bring the Bret Easton Ellis classic to the stage–complete with song-and-dance numbers!  I don’t suppose they can afford the rights to “Hip to be Square,” “The Greatest Love of All” or “Sussudio,” but in any case, this is sure to be the greatest musical since Evil Dead.

Even if they aren’t dishing out the big bucks on licensing fees, the creators of this great, great show are seeking some financial aid.  Because they don’t actually work on Wall Street, for Pierce and Pierce.  In fact, the play is premiering in London, not NYC.  Then again, London actually has a restaurant named Dorsia, so I suppose that makes sense…

Through a Kickstarter campaign, Goold, Sheik, Easton Ellis and company are looking to raise 150-grand towards funding this endeavour.  As of right now, they’re about 97K short with an evil 666 backers.  I’ll leave it to you to click the link to see all the awesome prizes, but let’s just say they’ll actually send you Patrick Bateman’s business card (which is also a USB key) if you pledge at least 25 bucks.  It even has a watermark!

About these ads

10 REASONS TO WATCH ME IN THE COMEDY BRAWL INSTEAD OF THE JAYS HOME OPENER: 8. This won’t be anything like last time. I promise.

Posted by gruesomegreg on

The Toronto Blue Jays home opener is now just 8 days away, and Rogers Sportsnet is kicking it into overdrive.  On Saturday afternoon, they aired a Jays spring-training game followed by Game 5 of the 1993 World Series.  Hmm, I think they might be trying to suggest something…  Sure, the Jays ought to be much-improved this season, but don’t bother trying to buy tickets for Opening Day–they sold out within the hour.  And hey, there are 162 games in a Major League Baseball season, so whether or not they beat Cleveland next Tuesday is of very little consequence.

On the other hand, there is a completely consequential comedy competition occurring April 2nd that features yours truly.  I’ll be part of a field of eight amateur stand-up artists vying for the princely sum of 30 dollars!  OK, so that won’t buy you a pair of nosebleed seats at Rogers Centre, but it is three times what a typical comedian makes in a night.  (Sadly, that’s no joke.)  Anyhoo, the top four performers will advance to the next round of the Comedy Brawl, so I could really use your vote!  In case you’re still on the fence as to whether you should watch baseball on TV or live stand-up comedy on the second of April, I’ll be giving you 10 reasons to choose the latter in the coming days.

Oh, and for more info about the April 2nd edition of the Comedy Brawl, click here.

10. I’m pretty sure I can throw straighter than R.A. Dickey.

9. There won’t be any anti-gay Spanish slurs on my eyeblack.

8. This won’t be anything like last time.  I promise.

He’ll even write you a cheque for your surgery…

They don’t call it a stand-up routine for nothing.  The thing is, you’re supposed to practice the same jokes until you can tell them in your sleep.  So last night, I dreamed of buttsex and the TTC.  I woke up with a sore ass and I was late for work.  Go figure!

In any case, while I will be repeating the best material from my last show, I’m also introducing some new jokes in place of the stuff that didn’t go over so well.  That’s what’s known as working on your routine.  On that note, I’m still trying to perfect my Jamaican accent, mon.  Only I don’t want it to be too good, cuz then it ruins the bit…

What de ‘ell iz ze whyte booi talkin’ boot?  You’ll hafta come to the Crown and Tiger next Tuesday to find out. ;)

Comedy Brawl Gauntlet #6 Tuesday, April 2nd @ Crown and Tiger, College and Bathurst, 8 pm. $5.

10 REASONS TO SEE MY STANDUP SHOW THIS SUNDAY: 4. There’s bound to be at least one American Psycho reference…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

In case you didn’t know, I’m doing a standup show at Absolute Comedy on Sunday, March 3rd at 3 pm (more info here).  I’m new to this whole live comedy thing, but I’ve been taking classes at Second City, and I reckon I’m getting ‘er rather good.  In case the everyday humorous content on my blog doesn’t convince you that my five-minute act is worth your five dollars, I’ll be giving you 10 more reasons to see my show over the next 10 days.  Here’s another one…

10. My act’s got more balls than Lance Armstrong, more legs than Oscar Pistorius, more hair than Rob Halford!

9. Absolute Comedy is conveniently located near Eglinton Station for your TTCing pleasure

8. The menu at Absolute doesn’t contain confusing Italian words like “pasta,” “calamari” or “bottiglia.”

7. Rob Ford gives it a “Respect for Taxpayers” and a “Stop the Gravy Train!”

6. There are no major sporting events occurring at this date and time.  Don’t you need a reason to drink beer?

5. We can go bowling afterwards!  (There may or may not be strippers…)

4. There’s bound to be at least one American Psycho reference…

As I’ve said before, American Psycho changed my life.  Great, great film.  Personal favourite.  But while my Phil Collins bit didn’t go so well (she almost got away), I can guarantee that there’ll be at least one American Psycho reference in my set on Sunday–although you’d hafta be a fellow fan of the film to pick up on it. ;)

Amateur Sunday Afternoon @ Absolute Comedy, 2335 Yonge St, Sunday, March 3rd. $5. Doors @ 2:30, show starts @ 3 pm.

This just in: Mayor Bloomberg likes big butts!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

The front-page story of the latest issue of New York magazine has caused a bit of a stir, not so much for its profile on mayoral candidate Christine Quinn, but for its portrayal of current mayor Michael Bloomberg.  Alas, it would appear that the man who banned large sodas from the Big Apple is nevertheless a fan of one of the Big Gulp’s known side effects—it produces big booties.

As the New York Daily News recounts, “My friend and I followed the host over, shook Bloomberg’s hand, and my friend thanked him for his position on gun control,” the author writes. “Without even acknowledging the comment, Bloomberg gestured toward a woman in a very tight floor-length gown standing nearby and said, ‘Look at the ass on her.’”  Now that’s how you start a conversation!

Furthermore, the New York profile suggests that Bloomberg treated Quinn, currently the Speaker of the City Council, the way that Patrick Bateman treats his secretary in American Psycho.  “The mayor has no use for flat shoes,” Quinn told her profiler. “I was at a parade with him once and he said, ‘What are those?’ and I said, ‘They’re comfortable,’ and he said, ‘I never want to hear those words out of your mouth again,’” she recalled. “He likes me in high heels.”

Whoa.  Next thing you know, it will be revealed that Bloomberg worked for Pierce & Pierce in the mid-to-late 80’s…

Hmm, was Camille Cleroux arrested while returning videotapes?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

This just in: Patrick Bateman is alive and well, and living the nation’s capital.  No, not Washington—I’m talking about Ottawa.  A Postmedia News headline today states “Ottawa man killed neighbour for her apartment with ‘a better view’; bludgeoned ex-wives with rocks.”  Rumour has it said neighbour’s apartment was overlooking the park, and was clearly more expensive than Bateman’s.

Except that the culprit in this case looks less like Marcus Halberstram and more like a tattooed Santa Claus, judging by this court drawing.  Camille Cleroux, 58, “admitted to killing ex-wives Lise Roy and Jean Rock and neighbour Paula Leclair, 64, over a two decade period beginning in 1990.”  Which means he would have been 33 in 1987, making him too old to get a table at Dorsia.

In any case, this Cleroux seems like a pretty sick guy.  He allegedly killed his first wife in 1990 and buried her in his backyard, leaving their two young kids without a mother and with Patrick Bateman for a dad.  In 2003, he allegedly buried his second wife in a wooded area, but twice dug up her remains, before he finally “put the bones in a mesh onion bag and pushed them in a shopping cart from the spot they were buried to the Bronson bridge over the Rideau Canal,” then “weighed the bones down with rocks and dropped them into the water.”

As for the neighbour, the Postmedia story says that “Cleroux invited her for a walk on May 20, 2010, killed her in ‘cold blood’ and buried her in a shallow grave he had dug ahead of time.”  He then told her son that she had taken a trip—to London, no doubt.

Kinda scary when life imitates horror movies, eh?

Luka Rocco Magnotta: The gay Patrick Bateman?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

In the “1 Lunatic 1 Ice Pick” video by alleged Montreal dismemberer Luka Rocco Magnotta, our gay gorefiend abducts and beheads an Asian man before doing unspeakable things to his corpse.  You might not wanna click that link before going to an amusement park, if you know what I mean.  The soundtrack to this sordid scene is New Order’s 1987 hit “True Faith,” the same song that’s playing in the background when Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) tells a bartender “I wanna stab you to death, then play around with your blood” in the 2000 Lions Gate film American Psycho.  I take it our wanted man has never read the book by Bret Easton Ellis, in which all the hottest clubs are blasting “New Sensation” by INXS and Belinda Carlisle’s “Heaven is a Place on Earth.”  I don’t recall New Order being in the book, although I might be mistaken…

In any case, the synthpop song has led La Presse columnist Patrick Lagacé to not only compare Magnotta to Bateman, but to go one step further when he states “Magnotta, c’est Bateman.”  Lagacé points out that the two share a disregard for both human and animal suffering (Magnotta allegedly has a thing for cats, Bateman tortures pets in the book, but more famously holds a gun to a cat’s head in the film), along with a taste for the macabre.  They’re both obsessed with their appearance (I’ll take his word for it on the former) and they’ve both filmed their exploits.  He also points out that Bateman tried to reenact porn scenes with a pair of prostitutes, while Magnotta apparently did gay porn somewhere.  For the record, he’s not listed on IMDB…

OK, fair enough, but there’s one big difference.  Patrick Bateman’s not gay.  There may be some people who think he was gay, or at least in the closet, but they also believe he didn’t kill anybody.  I can’t say I subscribe to either of those theories.  Bateman may have killed Paul Owen/Allen with an axe to the face, but he did not proceed to sodomize his headless corpse with a wine bottle like the star of “1 Lunatic 1 Ice Pick” did.  I’d also say that Bateman’s image obsession wasn’t a gay thing, but rather a product of yuppie culture; he wanted to fit in with all the other guys in the office, wear the same suits, use the same brand of lotion, etc.  From what photos I’ve seen of Magnotta, he definitely seems more effeminate.  Let’s just say I can’t picture him in a Giorgio Armani suit with Oliver Peoples glasses.

Which doesn’t mean he wasn’t inspired by the movie, mind you.  I’m reminded of one of the deleted scenes, in which Donald Kimball (portrayed expertly by Willem Dafoe, despite the fact that he’s supposed to be Bateman’s age in the book) runs into Bateman in a club–New Order isn’t playing in this one–and blurts out “They wanna confess…  I mean, they wanna get caught!”  Although slightly out of context in relation to the scene (which was about formal questioning versus informal conversations), it’s clear that by putting the video online and sending severed limbs to political parties, Magnotta wanted to be, if not caught, then at least recognized for what he allegedly did.

I do wonder, however, whether he follows Canadian politics all that closely.  I mean, why send a hand to the Liberals, who are now the third party in the House of Commons?  Wouldn’t that message be better directed to the Official Opposition?  Unless there’s already a package headed their way, that is.  The SPVM hasn’t stated that they’re aware of the whereabouts of the dead man’s penis…

Meanwhile, it’s assumed that the culprit is on a Glamorama-like whirlwind tour of Europe, possibly under a false identity.  It won’t be long before the authorities seek out Easton Ellis for an informal conversation, methinks.

RIP Whitney Houston — don’t wait up for Bill Ward!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

A couple months back, when I made my prediction on the next 80′s rock singer to pass away, I didn’t even think of Whitney Houston.  After all, I wouldn’t really consider her a rock singer–but there’s no denying her musical contributions to the decade.  Whitney Houston was as much a part of the 80′s as suspenders, cocaine and serial killers.  Just ask Patrick Bateman…

Y’know, it’s a shame that they had to use an orchestral version of that song cuz the filmmakers couldn’t get the rights to the real thing.  Hmm, Bobby Brown’s punching bag not wanting her music in a film about cutting up women?  Whodathunkit!?

My favourite reaction to her passing comes from metal site Bravewords.com (via Facebook), who thinks this should be a lesson to Black Sabbath:

You hear that, Sharon?  If you don’t let Bill Ward back in the band, he could get back on smack–and die!  You wouldn’t want that, would you?  After all, he is Black Sabbath…

MY MAN OF THE YEAR: Rob Fucking Ford

Posted by gruesomegreg on

You know how Time Magazine does its Man of the Year?  Well, I figured I’d jump on that bandwagon.  Mind you, there aren’t any smelly hippies or peace-loving tent-dwellers to be found on my list.  Here are my five finalists, in ascending order.

5. Dixie Dave

There’s no denying that Dixie is the man.  In fact, here are 10 reasons why.

4. Tim Tebow

The man who put the Jesus in the National Football League, Tim Tebow has brought his Broncos and the Bible back with his late-game heroics this season.  The rookie QB has inspired a legion of followers that would make a Jehovah’s Witness jealous, and even ended up on SNL the other week.  Here, see for yourself:

3. Stephen Harper

After years of holding a minority government, Stephen Harper’s Conservatives finally won their strong, stable majority this year, picking up several seats following a snap election that was called due to his party being declared in contempt by the opposition.  Since then, Harper has hardly reached out to his contempt-holders, pulling such “jackboot shit” (eh, Pat Martin?) as pushing the budget through parliament with little time for debate, extending jail sentences for potheads and juvies and buying expensive jets–that are still in development–while getting rid of such key icons of Canadiana as the Wheat Board and the gun registry.  Stephen Harper: The reason why I don’t vote Conservative.

2. Patrick Bateman

While TIME can give its “Person of the Year” award to the Occupy Wall Street protestors, I happen to see the other side.  Pat Bateman is rich, good-looking and has a great body–though he’s probably a closet homosexual who does a lot of cocaine.  He works on Wall Street, for Pierce & Pierce.  Have you heard of it?  Bateman has all the characteristics of a human being, but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion–except for greed and disgust.  He also makes $360,000 dollars a year, adjusted for inflation.  Patrick Bateman, you are the one per cent!

1. Rob Fucking Ford

Whether it’s berating 911 operators, boycotting the Star or his never-ending quest to stop the gravy train, the mayor of this city has been an endless source of amusement this year.  In fact, Ford is so funny that he almost makes us forget that Mel Lastman called in the army to shovel snow at the turn of the century.  (If only the ROC–Rest of Canada–would let it go already!)  Suffice to say that if a serious candidate emerges in the next municipal election, Ford will be gone like a stain washed with OxyClean–but I hope that some local business has the sense to hire him for its TV commercials, even if it’s his family’s. ;)

This pregame culinary creation was inspired by Epic Meal Time–and American Psycho

Posted by gruesomegreg on

So, tonite is pretty much a must-win for the Stamps if they wanna stay in the hunt for the Western Division title.  Thus, I knew that I must prepare a feast for Gniyrg Gnaarg, the pagan god of CFL football, in order to guarantee victory over Saskatchewan.  Fortunately, I had plenty of frozen food with which I could complete this task.

Taking inspiration from the culinary creations of American Psycho, my own personal journey through the Urban Eatery, and that Epic Meal Time vid I saw the other day, I put together this pre-game spread to please Gniyrg Gnaarg.

For an appetizer, I had St. Hubert’s coleslaw and reheated Stouffers macaroni and cheese, served with a Schneider’s meat pie and doused with Frank’s Red Hot sauce in a plastic container.  I believe Zagat calls this nouveau Micro-Ondean cuisine.

Then, for a main course, I assembled this Pagan Altar to the mighty Gniyrg Gnaarg using chicken fingers, Wong Wing chicken dumplings topped with dim sum sauce and a Schneider’s meat pie with a dollop of barbeque sauce.  New York Matinee calls it a playful, mysterious little dish.

Having pleased the god of CFL football, I can sense a Stampeders victory tonite.  After all, the last time Saskatchewan scored a touchdown, McGuinty still had a majority.  Or maybe that’s just the coleslaw giving me that gut feeling…

(BTW, before any forest worshippers put a hex on me, Gniyrg Gnaarg isn’t a god, but rather the name of some shitty Finnish doom band I had to review once upon a time.  Oh, and I’m pretty sure it’s pronounced Nerg Narg…)