Category Archives: Sports

What in the Wide Wide World of Sports is going on here?

I take it that Kevin Lowe’s Country Bunker plays both kinds of music…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

There were shades of The Blues Brothers in a recent Edmonton Oilers press conference, where the team re-introduced Craig MacTavish as its general manager.  Oilers president Kevin Lowe, he of the six Stanley Cups—and don’t you forget it—told the assembled media “We have two types of fans. We have paying customers and we have people that watch the game that we still care about.”  But not enough, apparently.  Also, Nickelback cover bands take note: If you play during the intermission of an Oilers game, Kevin Lowe expects you to pay for all the beers you drink. ;)

Suffice to say, fans in the since-rebranded City of Champions were not pleased.  As the Edmonton Journal reports, “There’s no doubt he offended many, including plenty who attended the Oilers game on Tuesday night, a 5-3 loss to the Minnesota Wild, Edmonton’s six (sic) straight defeat.”  The game, while initially sold out, saw several spectators attempt to beat the rush once their luck ran out.  As per the Journal, “many of them … departed en masse as soon as the winning 50/50 number was announced midway through the third period. ”  Which makes me wonder how many Edmontonians would show up if they had a 50/50 draw at a broomball tournament…

After watching his team sink in the standings, and be booed off the ice in its own building, Lowe was forced to issue a video apology, stating that he cares about all Oilers fans—except maybe Steve Smith—before adding, “And lastly I’ll say, there’s one other guy, I believe, in hockey today that’s still working in the game that has won more Stanley Cups than me.”  Because in Kevin Lowe’s Hockey Bunker, Larry Robinson, Jacques Lemaire and Scotty Bowman are no longer working in the game.  Something tells me he might wanna change that broken record…

Hey, how many first-overall picks does it take to make the playoffs?  More than three—if they play for Edmonton. ;)

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COMMENT OF THE DAY: Leafs make the playoffs… Start planning the parade!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.thestar.com/sports/leafs/2013/04/16/maple_leafs_poised_to_clinch_playoffs_tuesday_night.html

And in other hockey news, the Toronto Maple Leafs are about to accomplish something that hasn’t occurred since Justin Bieber was a fifth-grader.  With one more win—and a Winnipeg loss—the Leafs will make the playoffs for the first time in nine years.  And if you think the Toronto media bias is blowing this out of proportion, wait till you see the reaction from Toronto fans like this guy:

cotd416

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but the Leafs haven’t even made the finals since 1967.  How exactly is that worthy of respect? :P

I dunno guy, but I don’t think the Scotiabank Centre is a top terrorist target…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

When the Ottawa Senators return home from a trip to Boston—which saw their game against the Bruins last night cancelled, for obvious reasons—they’ll be bringing a heightened sense of U.S.-style paranoia with them.  As forward Guillaume Latendresse told the CBC, “right now I don’t think anywhere in the world is safe, you never know when something can happen to you.”  OK, so he was actually in Boston yesterday, so I see where he’s coming from.  On the other hand, heightened security measures at the rink in Kanata, a western suburb of this nation’s capital, seem to be a little heavy-handed.

As the CBC reports, “Extra security personnel will be on site Tuesday and people will be checked with metal detectors at random, according to an email from Senators spokesman Brian Morris.”  OK, so that’s actually less stringent than when the Buffalo Bills play their annual game in Toronto and people are wanded in a non-random fashion, ie everybody.  But if you had hoped to pack your pillow in case the contest between the Sens and Carolina Hurricanes turns into a real snoozefest, well, you’re gonna hafta leave it in the car.

“All bags will be subject to search, and any bags larger than a purse won’t be allowed inside,” the Sens spokesman said, adding,  “Anyone with large bags will be asked to take them back to their vehicles.”  And if you somehow managed to carry your backpack while walking along the shoulder of the 417—without getting killed—well, it looks like your luck just ran out.

Now, I get that all sporting events are ratcheting up security in light of the recent tragedy, but hey, preliminary reports suggest that this was a case of a home-grown, localized nutjob, not a widespread terrorist cell.  I mean, he made his bombs out of crockpots, for cook’s sake!  And if the theory that the assailant was an extreme tea-partier looking to send a message on tax-deadline day proves correct…  wouldn’t a Canadian copycat killer seek to strike at the Canada Revenue Agency’s doorstep downtown, not some isolated arena in the suburbs!?

Hey, maybe I’m overreacting, but there was a time when I stepped right off a plane and onto a train towards Qwest Field in Seattle to see the Seahawks’ home opener, backpack on my back.  I couldn’t even check into my hotel until after the game, so such strict security measures would’ve rendered me as possessionless as Adam Terpstra—albeit temporarily. ;)

I stand by my NCAA finals prediction: Michigan 77, Louisville 76

Posted by gruesomegreg on

I actually had the foresight to put both the Cardinals and the Wolverines in my Final Four.  Of course, the former was pretty much a no-brainer; the Big East regular-season and tournament champs had the number-one overall seed.  But not many people picked Michigan, despite their top-10 ranking and placement in a region where notorious early-exiters Kansas and Georgetown were the top two seeds.  Florida was the most popular selection in the South region, but the Maize-and-Blue dispatched them about as easily as Louisville triumphed over any team not from the state of Wichita. ;)

Did I mention that I nearly nailed not only the margin of victory but the final score in the Lousiville-WSU game in my Final Four picks the other day?  (I had Louisville 74, Wichita State 69, in case you’re too lazy to click the link.)  Turns out I was way off on the Michigan-Syracuse score, but I did have the Wolverines prevailing–in my Final Four picks, that is.  I had Gonzaga over Miami on my bracket, so my crystal ball clearly isn’t crystal clear.  That being said, here’s what I wrote two days ago in regards to the NCAA final:

NCAA CHAMPIONSHIP

So, we’ve got the two teams with the most impressive tournament runs in the big game.  Louisville’s average margin of victory in the tourney has been 21.75 points per game, and that includes the somewhat-close win over Oregon.  Meanwhile, Michigan has defeated its first four opponents by an average of 16 points–and that number rises to 20 if you subtract the Kansas game.  But let’s not take that game away, because it’s probably Michigan’s biggest win of the entire season.  In the Sweet 16, they showed they could take everything that one of the top teams in the country threw at them, rope-a-dope ‘em for 30+ minutes, then explode with an improbable offensive flurry to win big in a hostile environment.  (Notice how empty Cowboys Stadium was for the regional final after the Jayhawks had been sent home?)  On the other hand, Louisville’s toughest test in the tourney could well be Wichita State…

Sure, the Duke win was impressive, but the Elite Eight was farther than the Devils have reached in five of the last 10 years.  That Duke team looked like they were just happy to be here, especially after losing in the first round the year before.  And in any case, I think we can call it a wash between Louisville’s 50-31 second half and Michigan’s 47-30 first half versus Florida.  Bottom line is both teams deserve to be here, and I think it’s an upset if either one loses in the semis.

That being said, I think both teams also match up well in terms of length, depth and athleticism.  In fact, Michigan’s second-generation superstars (Robinson, Hardaway et al) have a decided height advantage over Louisville’s smaller backcourt–which will obviously be without Kevin Ware.  Here’s hoping the kid can walk again; that injury was pretty gruesome, a term I don’t use lightly. ;)   Meanwhile, can the likes of Gorgui Dieng keep super-frosh Mitch McGary in check?  The Michigan rook saw major minutes against VCU and Kansas, putting up 46 points and 28 rebounds, and would have easily had another double-double versus Florida, had he not rested for most of the second half.  (As it stands, he came just one rebound short.)  The difference in this game could come down low, and the Wolverines have the revelation of the tournament in the post, soooo…

I’m not saying they’ll win by much, but I like Michigan.  Here’s hoping they buck the recent trend of snore-tastic NCAA finals and give us a barn-burner that comes down to a Trey Burke, erm, trey at the buzzer.  Michigan 77, Louisville 76.

…

Let’s just say I stand by my prediction.  Both teams fought threw some adversity in the semis, but clearly punched their tickets to the Big Dance.  The two schools haven’t met yet this season, and Michigan only faced one Big East foe before Syracuse, whereas Louisville is 0-0 against the Big 10, so it’s hard to get a head’s up on the head-to-head.  Therefore, I really think this game could go either way–and I’m hoping it actually does come down to the buzzer. :D

I couldn’t believe it’s not tuna—until I oiled myself…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Although inspectors have yet to find any horsemeat in the seafood aisle, it turns out a whole lotta fish isn’t what you think it is, according to a recent study by the Biodiversity Institute of Ontario.  As the CBC reports, “DNA analysis shows 33 per cent of fish sold in grocery stores, restaurants and sushi venues in the U.S. is mislabelled,” following a 2011 study that found an even greater percentage (41 per cent) of Canadian fish suffer a similar identity crisis after being filleted.

As it turns out, it’s most often a case of lesser fish being substituted for more premium products.  According to the CBC, “pangasius is often sold as grouper, sole and cod; tilapia as red snapper; and Atlantic farmed salmon as wild or king salmon.”  Worst of all, the report found that “84 per cent of white tuna samples were actually escolar, which can cause digestive issues for some people.”  Eighty-four per cent!?  That’s like playing Russian Roulette with five bullets in the chamber, if by bullets, you mean a fish that’s banned in Italy and Japan, and by chamber, we’re talking about “yellowish-orange drops of oil instead of liquid bowel movements.”  Ewww, remind me not to buy tuna at No Frills!

Better stay away from the red snapper, too.  As per the CBC, “Only seven of the 120 red snapper samples tested correctly.”  That’s a whopping 5.83 per cent, or, in a Rogers-sponsored Toronto Blue Jays reference, even worse than J.P. Arencibia’s batting average at the start of last season.  Remember when he was only hitting .058, then he had to go on the Disabled List?  Wait, he hadn’t consumed a bad batch of escolar, had he!?  That might explain why he kept leaking oil at the plate…

For the record, Arencibia is hitting .348 to start the 2013 season—which is roughly twice the probably of you actually getting tuna at the grocery store, as per the Biodiversity Institute.  Aaaand next thing you know, those weren’t actually Miami Marlins we acquired back in January, either, but Bridgeport Bluefish.  Maybe that’s why the Jays are 2-4!

FINAL FOUR: Can the Wichita State Shockers shock the world? (No, probably not…)

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Although I correctly predicted half of the Final Four participants, I had Gonzaga and Miami in the title game, so my bracket’s been busted for a while now.  The best I could finish would be 21st in my pool, and possibly as low as 23rd (out of 25), if Louisville goes all the way.  Of course, I had them losing to Gonzaga at this stage.  Does it make me feel better knowing my team lost to the eventual regional champ?  OK, maybe a little…

But while WSU tore through the West bracket, they certainly looked vulnerable in the Elite Eight, mailing it in early against Ohio State after amassing a big lead.  With six minutes left to play, the Shockers went scoreless for the next three as OSU cut the deficit from 15 t0 eight, and got as close as four with two minutes remaining.  If Wichita hung on to win, it’s largely because the Buckeyes only made two shots down the stretch–and one was with just six seconds left.  Had they been facing Michigan instead, they of the amazing comeback against Kansas, it’s safe to say the Shockers would not be in Atlanta.  But now that they’re here, can they pull off the most-shocking upset of the tournament?  Read on…

6:09 pm: Louisville over Wichita State – Sorry Shockers, but your run ends here.  As much as a Wichita win would bust half the brackets in the country, I think the Louisville press might be a bit too much for WSU.  This is a team, after all, that blew Duke outta the water in the second half of their regional final, putting 50 points on the board in the process.  Louisville simply has too much length, too much talent, too much depth for the undersized Shockers squad–to say nothing of their full-court press.  The only way I can see State pulling off the upset is if they can run-and-gun with the Cards.  In fact, the only team to lose by less than 10 to Louisville in the past month was Oregon, who pushed the tempo throughout… though they still couldn’t put enough points on the board.  But that’s doesn’t seem to be Wichita’s game; this team tends to win with defense, although they have hit 70 throughout the tourney.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be rooting for the underdog–and I think this game will be closer than people expect–but Louisville 74, Wichita State 69.

8:49 pm: Michigan over Syracuse –  The early tip features a giant-slayer against the tourney’s top seed, and thus makes for better TV, but we’ve arguably got two giant-slayers here.  Michigan, of course, had that miraculous comeback to beat Kansas in overtime, whereas Syracuse simply shut down Indiana with its unique zone defense.  For the Cuse, it’s all about the D–they followed that Hoosier lockdown by holding Marquette to a mere 39 points, while only scoring 55 themselves.  In fact, aside from an easy first-round win against an over-matched Montana team, the Orange haven’t topped 66 points in a tournament game.  Though their season scoring average has been inflated by a soft non-conference schedule (ie 108-56 over Monmouth, 96-62 over Central Connecticut State), most of their tough Big East games have been in the 60s.  In fact, they’ve even been 39ed themselves, losing by 22 in their last-ever visit to Georgetown.  (They would get their revenge, however, in a 58-55 overtime squeaker in the conference tourney.)

On the other hand, Michigan often pushes the tempo into the 70s, or even the 80s.  After all, it took 87 points to upset Kansas.  And the most exciting game of this year’s tournament was sandwiched between a pair of 20-point blowouts of solid VCU and Florida squads.  If Syracuse has been squeaking through the tourney like a 14, not a four-seed, Michigan has nearly been as dominant as the top team in the Midwest region, y’know, the one that erased a 16-point deficit to beat the Cuse in the Big East final–by 17 points!  Hmm, where have we seen that kinda comeback before?  Michigan 75, Syracuse 64

 

NCAA CHAMPIONSHIP

So, we’ve got the two teams with the most impressive tournament runs in the big game.  Louisville’s average margin of victory in the tourney has been 21.75 points per game, and that includes the somewhat-close win over Oregon.  Meanwhile, Michigan has defeated its first four opponents by an average of 16 points–and that number rises to 20 if you subtract the Kansas game.  But let’s not take that game away, because it’s probably Michigan’s biggest win of the entire season.  In the Sweet 16, they showed they could take everything that one of the top teams in the country threw at them, rope-a-dope ‘em for 30+ minutes, then explode with an improbable offensive flurry to win big in a hostile environment.  (Notice how empty Cowboys Stadium was for the regional final after the Jayhawks had been sent home?)  On the other hand, Louisville’s toughest test in the tourney could well be Wichita State…

Sure, the Duke win was impressive, but the Elite Eight was farther than the Devils have reached in five of the last 10 years.  That Duke team looked like they were just happy to be here, especially after losing in the first round the year before.  And in any case, I think we can call it a wash between Louisville’s 50-31 second half and Michigan’s 47-30 first half versus Florida.  Bottom line is both teams deserve to be here, and I think it’s an upset if either one loses in the semis.

That being said, I think both teams also match up well in terms of length, depth and athleticism.  In fact, Michigan’s second-generation superstars (Robinson, Hardaway et al) have a decided height advantage over Louisville’s smaller backcourt–which will obviously be without Kevin Ware.  Here’s hoping the kid can walk again; that injury was pretty gruesome, a term I don’t use lightly. ;)   Meanwhile, can the likes of Gorgui Dieng keep super-frosh Mitch McGary in check?  The Michigan rook saw major minutes against VCU and Kansas, putting up 46 points and 28 rebounds, and would have easily had another double-double versus Florida, had he not rested for most of the second half.  (As it stands, he came just one rebound short.)  The difference in this game could come down low, and the Wolverines have the revelation of the tournament in the post, soooo…

I’m not saying they’ll win by much, but I like Michigan.  Here’s hoping they buck the recent trend of snore-tastic NCAA finals and give us a barn-burner that comes down to a Trey Burke, erm, trey at the buzzer.  Michigan 77, Louisville 76.

And this little Kipper stayed home!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

For a while, it looked like he was headed to Toronto–as indicated by his play the other night (which prompted my most retweeted tweet ever)–but in the end, Miikka Kiprusoff will retire as a Calgary Flame, perhaps as early as next month.  The Leafs proved to be a rather aggressive suitor, as the franchise, which hasn’t made the playoffs since the ’04-’05 lockout, was understandably lacking a goalie with postseason experience.  But it seems that Kipper nixed any potential trade to Toronto in much the same fashion as Jarome Iginla broke Boston’s hearts about a week ago, preventing any possibility of him recreating this classic photo with Dion Phaneuf:

See, Kipper’s a classy guy.  He even wears a suit to the strip club!  Dion’s dressed in a tie-dye t-shirt, but hey, he was only 22 at the time…

Now, unfortunately for the Buds, they’ll be stuck with James Reimer and Ben Scrivens between the pipes.  They also couldn’t absorb Roberto Luongo’s cap hit, as the overpriced Vancouver backup reportedly told The Canadian Press, “My contract sucks.  Unfortunately, it’s a big factor in trading me, and it’s probably why I’m still here.  I’d scrap it if I could, right now.”  Suuure, you would just walk away from $6.7-million a year until 2018?  If so, I’ve got a chain of racist BBQ joints in Hamilton you might like to invest in…

But unfortunately for the Flames, they’ll be stuck with Kipper this season.  Don’t get me wrong, he was a great goalie, perhaps the best in franchise history, up until last year.  But since the latest lockout, he’s seemed disinterested and looked out of shape, getting hurt early and never getting back into the swing of things upon his return.  His season stats (6-10-2, 3.64 GAA and .868 save percentage) are simply shitterrific, amongst the worst in the league.  For the past few seasons, Saint Miikka almost single-handedly kept the team in playoff contention, but this year, he’s almost individually assuring us of the second-overall pick (cuz we all know Edmonton’s rigging the draft lottery until they get a new rink).  So, if he does decide to take his $5.83-million cap hit off the books next season (in which he’d earn a paltry 1.5 mil–Luongo 2020 numbers!), I shan’t be too sad to see him go.  It’s just somewhat unfortunate that he couldn’t end his career on a high note.  Then again, I suppose it couldda been worse–he could’ve retired as a Maple Leaf!  (Hell, I probably would’ve vetoed that trade too, and I actually live in Toronto now!)

Of course, between the Iggy trade and the Kipper non-trade, the Flames weren’t too active at the deadline, simply shipping Blake Comeau to Columbus for a fifth-round pick.  Guess I’ll be cheering for Columbus in the playoffs now, too; after adding Marian Gaborik, they could probably grab the eight-spot, which, unfortunately, would not allow them to oust Vancouver this season.  (Mind you, the Nucks seem poised to play L.A. again… :D )  But lest we forget, the Flames also picked up another first-round pick by dealing Jay “The Iron Pylon” Bouwmeester to St. Louis for a conditional (on the Blues making the playoffs) draft choice, along with a pair of prospects, one of whom actually plays goal.  Let’s just say that Flames fans will miss the league’s worst defenceman the way an uninsured American would miss a $6.6-million medical bill.  We’re also looking forward to seeing Reto Barra between the pipes next season, he of the 3.01 GAA and .906 save % in the Swiss Cheese Elite League, where most goalies have holes.  In a poll on the Flames official website, the 26-year-old backstop leads the other three recently-acquired prospects as the most highly-anticipated player, with nearly 35 per cent of the vote.

Hey, he’s probably better than Ben Scrivens…

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Smoke signals show the Bombers are stuck with Buck for now…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/story/2013/04/02/mb-fire-canad-inns-stadium-winnipeg.html

Last night, a “massive” fire broke out at Canad Inns Stadium, where someone set the artificial turf shed ablaze.  Police believe it might be related to a garbage-can arson at a nearby Red Lobster (amazingly, I think I’ve actually eaten there, if it’s the one I’m thinking of), but perhaps it’s simply a sign from team management.  Hey, are the Bombers Catholic?

cotd43

But don’t worry Winnipeggers, as those who covered the conclave can confirm, black smoke means negotiations are still underway.  Hell, I’m sure the Stamps’ll give you Kevin Glenn back! ;) :(

10 REASONS TO WATCH ME IN THE COMEDY BRAWL INSTEAD OF THE JAYS HOME OPENER: 1. The Jays have 80 more home games this year. I just have this one stand-up gig…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

The Toronto Blue Jays home opener is TONITE, and Rogers Sportsnet is REALLY kicking it into overdrive.  After already putting out an MLB preview with R.A. Dickey on the cover, today Rogers mailed out its Blue Jays preview, including “scouting reports on all 25 men” and a sit-down interview with Ricky Romero–who didn’t even make the team.  (My Romero bobblehead is in mourning.)  Gee, they aren’t really over-hyping this team too much, are they?  Sure, the Jays ought to be much-improved this season, but don’t bother trying to buy tickets for Opening Day–they sold out within the hour.  And hey, there are 162 games in a Major League Baseball season, so whether or not they beat Cleveland tonight is of very little consequence.

On the other hand, there is a completely consequential comedy competition occurring this very evening that features yours truly.  I’ll be part of a field of eight amateur stand-up artists vying for the princely sum of 30 dollars!  OK, so that won’t buy you a pair of nosebleed seats at Rogers Centre, but it is three times what a typical comedian makes in a night.  (Sadly, that’s no joke.)  Anyhoo, the top four performers will advance to the next round of the Comedy Brawl, so I could really use your vote!  In case you’re still on the fence as to whether you should watch baseball on TV or live stand-up comedy on the second of April, here are 10 reasons to choose comedy.

Oh, and for more info about the April 2nd edition of the Comedy Brawl, click here.

10. I’m pretty sure I can throw straighter than R.A. Dickey.

9. There won’t be any anti-gay Spanish slurs on my eyeblack.

8. This won’t be anything like last time.  I promise.

7.  I don’t drink Booster Juice, so I’m not gonna put a baseball through your windshield.

6. I promise I won’t punch you in the face or put you in a headlock.  Can John Gibbons guarantee that?

5.  The Jays are playing against Cleveland.  C’mon man, Cleveland!?

4. I am in no way sponsored by, affiliated with or named after Rogers.

3. Nosebleed tickets are going on StubHub for 67 dollars.  This show will only cost ya 5 bucks!

2. It’s the day before my birthday!  No really, it is!

1. The Jays have 80 more home games this year.  I just have this one stand-up gig…

See all those highlighted dates on the Blue Jays’ calendar?  Let’s just say that my schedule isn’t quite so jam-packed.  In fact, if I don’t make it past the first round of the Comedy Brawl, I might consider stepping away from comedy to work on my golf game, or spend more time with my kids.  That’s right folks, this could be my last performance–though I’m sure I’d consider a comeback if you offer me my own personal beer tap.  Ain’t that right, Brett Favre?

Comedy Brawl Gauntlet #6 Tuesday, April 2nd @ Crown and Tiger, College and Bathurst, 8 pm. $5.

10 REASONS TO WATCH ME IN THE COMEDY BRAWL INSTEAD OF THE JAYS HOME OPENER: 3. Nosebleed tickets are going on StubHub for 67 dollars. This show will only cost ya 5 bucks!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

The Toronto Blue Jays home opener is just a couple days away, and Rogers Sportsnet is really kicking it into overdrive.  Tonight they aired Game 6 of the ’93 Series, the famous “Touch ‘em all, Joe” game.  Man, John Kruk sure had a badass mullet in those days!  Sure, the Jays ought to be much-improved this season, but don’t bother trying to buy tickets for Opening Day–they sold out within the hour.  And hey, there are 162 games in a Major League Baseball season, so whether or not they beat Cleveland next Tuesday is of very little consequence.

On the other hand, there is a completely consequential comedy competition occurring April 2nd that features yours truly.  I’ll be part of a field of eight amateur stand-up artists vying for the princely sum of 30 dollars!  OK, so that won’t buy you a pair of nosebleed seats at Rogers Centre, but it is three times what a typical comedian makes in a night.  (Sadly, that’s no joke.)  Anyhoo, the top four performers will advance to the next round of the Comedy Brawl, so I could really use your vote!  In case you’re still on the fence as to whether you should watch baseball on TV or live stand-up comedy on the second of April, I’ll be giving you 10 reasons to choose the latter in the coming days.

Oh, and for more info about the April 2nd edition of the Comedy Brawl, click here.

10. I’m pretty sure I can throw straighter than R.A. Dickey.

9. There won’t be any anti-gay Spanish slurs on my eyeblack.

8. This won’t be anything like last time.  I promise.

7.  I don’t drink Booster Juice, so I’m not gonna put a baseball through your windshield.

6. I promise I won’t punch you in the face or put you in a headlock.  Can John Gibbons guarantee that?

5.  The Jays are playing against Cleveland.  C’mon man, Cleveland!?

4. I am in no way sponsored by, affiliated with or named after Rogers.

3. Nosebleed tickets are going on StubHub for 67 dollars.  This show will only cost ya 5 bucks!

Sure, the game might be sold out, but you can always get tickets on StubHub, right?  Aye, but be prepared to pay a hefty premium!  The most affordable seats are in Sections 533 and 536, Row 22.  You might be able to see the retractable roof from there, but you won’t have a great view of the field.  Oh, and be prepared to pay at least 70 bucks–those listed prices don’t factor in service or shipping charges.  And hey, 70 bucks is a bargain when you consider that some crackhead is charging $2,202 for seats in 539!  (Buddy, you might hafta go to the game yourself…)

Now, you could pay Leafs prices for nosebleeds, or for a mere five dollars, you could watch nine stand-up comedians perform from the front row!  I don’t need to tell you which option offers more bang for your buck, do I?

Comedy Brawl Gauntlet #6 Tuesday, April 2nd @ Crown and Tiger, College and Bathurst, 8 pm. $5.