It’s not quite the Leafs winning the Cup, but the Royals winning the Series tonight would be nice to see…

 Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1985!

…cuz that’s how long it’s been since Kansas City last won the World Series.  I hafta say, they’ve been my sentimental pick all postseason–although I was kinda cheering for Billy Beane’s Moneyball A’s in the Wild Card.  But KC’s 12-inning, 9-8 comeback over Oakland was the first of eight straight playoff wins, and they really looked like the Team of Destiny…until they ran into the Giants.

Sure, San Fran has been here before; in fact, they’ve won two of the past four titles.  But they’re not like the Yankees, a team you love to hate–unless maybe you live in Oakland.  However, they’re still standing in the way of the Team of Destiny, and for that, they deserve at least a little flak.

Can I just say this might be the shittiest seven-game Series I’ve ever seen?  The first six games were basically all shutouts and/or blowouts, with only one decided by fewer than five runs–and hey, I went out last Friday, and missed Game 3 altogether.  Much like I do when there’s something better on TV, I’ve found myself flipping back and forth during the other five games, which were a lot less than exciting.  But I’m hoping there’s at least some historical precedent here: after winning Game 6 at home in ’85, the Royals proceeded to stomp a hole in their opposition, taking Game 7 by an 11-0 score over the St. Louis Cardinals.

Then again, if this game ends up being 11-0, I’ll probably tune out sometime in the third inning.  Aaaaaand here you probably didn’t know that I watched baseball in the first place, eh? ;)

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COMMENT OF THE DAY: So Rob Ford would’ve sent the runner, then?


While The Mayor of This CityTM’s press secretaries are resigning left, right and centre, the Toronto Star is going back on the attack, directing the full force of its journalistic vitriol at…  Blue Jays third baseman Brett Lawrie!?  Granted, the 23-year-old third-sacker has been stinking it up on my fantasy team all season, and his batting average is lower than his weight, but from the sheer level of utter disgust oozing from Richard Griffin’s keyboard, you’d swear Lawrie was caught on tape smoking crack with a murdered drug dealer, or something…


Then again, it seems the coaching staff made the right call—the Jays ended up winning the game.  Methinks Lawrie ought to chill out and smoke another substance native to his native British Columbia. ;)

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Or, as they call it in New Jersey, replace the Belvedere Vodka fountain…


It may not be watered down, but there’s no denying that beer at the Rogers Centre is stupidly expensive.  In fact, they just raised the prices from $9.50 to 10 bucks a can this season—which means a lot less tips for the beer vendors.  But hey, why not cut out the vendors all together, and serve the beer from a fountain, one Toronto Star reader suggests…


Mind you, knowing Rogers, they’d probably charge 10 bucks a sip!

Yunel Escobar sez… ¡Estoy seguro!

He doesn’t even play for the Jays anymore, but all it takes is a roadtrip to Toronto for shortstop Yunel “Pendejo” Escobar to create more controversy—and this time, all he had on his eye-black was TB.  Erm, that’s TB as in Tampa Bay, not a slight against tuberculosis sufferers…

In any case, the homophobic Cuban infielder set off sparks with his home-run celebration yesterday.  No, he did not mimic performing fellatio on a teammate, nor did he shove a baseball bat up his buttcrack—he simply wanted to make clear that he didn’t miss touching any bags while rounding the bases:

Rays manager Joe Maddon told the Toronto Star “he would talk to Escobar and ‘I’m certain you’re not going to see happen again.’”  Meanwhile, Escobar, through interpreter/teammate Joel Peralta, told the assembled media “It’s something I do every time I cross home plate.”  While not entirely true, it’s safe to say that if it wasn’t Yunel “Come la mierda” Escobar making that move, nobody in Toronto would give a shit. ;)

Yankees security ejecting fans for heckling on the road? Now that’s rich!

They don’t call them the Evil Empire for nothing.  The Toronto Star is reporting that “Security guards employed by the Yankees, who travelled with the team to Toronto this weekend, pointed out and requested the ejection of a pair of Jays fans who had heckled the Yankee bullpen, according to a ticket holder in the section.”  Because apparently, it’s only okay to heckle the bullpen when Yankees fans do it.

Wait, back up a second.  Yankees security got fans kicked out of the Rogers Centre in Toronto!?  Do they even have the authority to do that?  As one blogger who bared witness—and later filed a complaint—wrote, “I and many others in our section witnessed two individuals in Yankees jackets, complete with Yankees lanyard ID tags walk into our seating area and point out to Toronto police two fans who were chirping and heckling the Yankees bullpen. One individual, who was later violently arrested, did nothing but look at these two Yankees ‘men in black.’”  Then again, just looking at someone the wrong way can get a man killed in The Big Apple—back in the 70’s, maybe.

Now, here’s where versions of events differ.  The offended blogger writes that the ejected fans simply “told the Yankees bullpen staff they sucked, booed them, creatively chirped them and then, as if a threat to the safety of these players, these fans were removed by police, one bloodied and arrested.”  But the supposed NYYPD has a different story, telling the Star, “that the fans were not only heckling, but throwing peanuts into the Yankees’ bullpen as well,” adding “that later in the game someone threw a full beer from the second deck.”  And the second-deck beer actually hit the pitchers warming up!?  Perhaps the Jays could use that guy in their bullpen!

Now, I wasn’t at the game on Friday—hell, I didn’t even watch it on TV—but you’d hafta wonder that if fans were indeed throwing their hard-earned peanuts and crackerjacks into the pen, how come the venue security didn’t see this?  Why did it take Yankees security to finger them for ejection…  and hell, why do the Yankees even need security on the road, anyways?  As blogger/complainant Justin Jackson put it, “they are so audacious as to bring in their hired goons to keep Mariano Rivera from having to hear that he’s super old. News flash: he is.”  But y’know, don’t tell Rivera that, cuz you might get ejected…

The grand irony in all this is that Yankees fans are known for being some of the most vocal and abusive in all of sports.  I’d love to see what would happen if a pair of Jays fans kindly suggested that Yankee Stadium security remove a group of Bleacher Creatures after an unwelcoming rendition of their homophobic Village People parody, “Why Are You Gay?”  Chances are, the home security would laugh in their faces, not allegedly punch them as they allegedly do on the road.  (At least, I’m presuming that one guy didn’t give himself a bloody nose…)

Then again, if you can’t beat ‘em (up), join ‘em.  Methinks the Jays could hire hockey enforcers Colton Orr and Frazer McLaren to eject hecklers behind the Jays pen at Yankee Stadium.  I mean, it’s not like the Leafs are going deep in the playoffs or anything… :P

I couldn’t believe it’s not tuna—until I oiled myself…

Although inspectors have yet to find any horsemeat in the seafood aisle, it turns out a whole lotta fish isn’t what you think it is, according to a recent study by the Biodiversity Institute of Ontario.  As the CBC reports, “DNA analysis shows 33 per cent of fish sold in grocery stores, restaurants and sushi venues in the U.S. is mislabelled,” following a 2011 study that found an even greater percentage (41 per cent) of Canadian fish suffer a similar identity crisis after being filleted.

As it turns out, it’s most often a case of lesser fish being substituted for more premium products.  According to the CBC, “pangasius is often sold as grouper, sole and cod; tilapia as red snapper; and Atlantic farmed salmon as wild or king salmon.”  Worst of all, the report found that “84 per cent of white tuna samples were actually escolar, which can cause digestive issues for some people.”  Eighty-four per cent!?  That’s like playing Russian Roulette with five bullets in the chamber, if by bullets, you mean a fish that’s banned in Italy and Japan, and by chamber, we’re talking about “yellowish-orange drops of oil instead of liquid bowel movements.”  Ewww, remind me not to buy tuna at No Frills!

Better stay away from the red snapper, too.  As per the CBC, “Only seven of the 120 red snapper samples tested correctly.”  That’s a whopping 5.83 per cent, or, in a Rogers-sponsored Toronto Blue Jays reference, even worse than J.P. Arencibia’s batting average at the start of last season.  Remember when he was only hitting .058, then he had to go on the Disabled List?  Wait, he hadn’t consumed a bad batch of escolar, had he!?  That might explain why he kept leaking oil at the plate…

For the record, Arencibia is hitting .348 to start the 2013 season—which is roughly twice the probably of you actually getting tuna at the grocery store, as per the Biodiversity Institute.  Aaaand next thing you know, those weren’t actually Miami Marlins we acquired back in January, either, but Bridgeport Bluefish.  Maybe that’s why the Jays are 2-4!

10 REASONS TO WATCH ME IN THE COMEDY BRAWL INSTEAD OF THE JAYS HOME OPENER: 1. The Jays have 80 more home games this year. I just have this one stand-up gig…

The Toronto Blue Jays home opener is TONITE, and Rogers Sportsnet is REALLY kicking it into overdrive.  After already putting out an MLB preview with R.A. Dickey on the cover, today Rogers mailed out its Blue Jays preview, including “scouting reports on all 25 men” and a sit-down interview with Ricky Romero–who didn’t even make the team.  (My Romero bobblehead is in mourning.)  Gee, they aren’t really over-hyping this team too much, are they?  Sure, the Jays ought to be much-improved this season, but don’t bother trying to buy tickets for Opening Day–they sold out within the hour.  And hey, there are 162 games in a Major League Baseball season, so whether or not they beat Cleveland tonight is of very little consequence.

On the other hand, there is a completely consequential comedy competition occurring this very evening that features yours truly.  I’ll be part of a field of eight amateur stand-up artists vying for the princely sum of 30 dollars!  OK, so that won’t buy you a pair of nosebleed seats at Rogers Centre, but it is three times what a typical comedian makes in a night.  (Sadly, that’s no joke.)  Anyhoo, the top four performers will advance to the next round of the Comedy Brawl, so I could really use your vote!  In case you’re still on the fence as to whether you should watch baseball on TV or live stand-up comedy on the second of April, here are 10 reasons to choose comedy.

Oh, and for more info about the April 2nd edition of the Comedy Brawl, click here.

10. I’m pretty sure I can throw straighter than R.A. Dickey.

9. There won’t be any anti-gay Spanish slurs on my eyeblack.

8. This won’t be anything like last time.  I promise.

7.  I don’t drink Booster Juice, so I’m not gonna put a baseball through your windshield.

6. I promise I won’t punch you in the face or put you in a headlock.  Can John Gibbons guarantee that?

5.  The Jays are playing against Cleveland.  C’mon man, Cleveland!?

4. I am in no way sponsored by, affiliated with or named after Rogers.

3. Nosebleed tickets are going on StubHub for 67 dollars.  This show will only cost ya 5 bucks!

2. It’s the day before my birthday!  No really, it is!

1. The Jays have 80 more home games this year.  I just have this one stand-up gig…

See all those highlighted dates on the Blue Jays’ calendar?  Let’s just say that my schedule isn’t quite so jam-packed.  In fact, if I don’t make it past the first round of the Comedy Brawl, I might consider stepping away from comedy to work on my golf game, or spend more time with my kids.  That’s right folks, this could be my last performance–though I’m sure I’d consider a comeback if you offer me my own personal beer tap.  Ain’t that right, Brett Favre?

Comedy Brawl Gauntlet #6 Tuesday, April 2nd @ Crown and Tiger, College and Bathurst, 8 pm. $5.