It may not be watered down, but there’s no denying that beer at the Rogers Centre is stupidly expensive. In fact, they just raised the prices from $9.50 to 10 bucks a can this season—which means a lot less tips for the beer vendors. But hey, why not cut out the vendors all together, and serve the beer from a fountain, one Toronto Star reader suggests…
Mind you, knowing Rogers, they’d probably charge 10 bucks a sip!
He doesn’t even play for the Jays anymore, but all it takes is a roadtrip to Toronto for shortstop Yunel “Pendejo” Escobar to create more controversy—and this time, all he had on his eye-black was TB. Erm, that’s TB as in Tampa Bay, not a slight against tuberculosis sufferers…
In any case, the homophobic Cuban infielder set off sparks with his home-run celebration yesterday. No, he did not mimic performing fellatio on a teammate, nor did he shove a baseball bat up his buttcrack—he simply wanted to make clear that he didn’t miss touching any bags while rounding the bases:
Rays manager Joe Maddon told the Toronto Star “he would talk to Escobar and ‘I’m certain you’re not going to see happen again.’” Meanwhile, Escobar, through interpreter/teammate Joel Peralta, told the assembled media “It’s something I do every time I cross home plate.” While not entirely true, it’s safe to say that if it wasn’t Yunel “Come la mierda” Escobar making that move, nobody in Toronto would give a shit. 
In case you didn’t know, the Toronto Maple Leafs suffered a historic meltdown that was completely unprecedented in the wide, wide world of sports last night. Suffice to say, there were plenty of unhappy Leafs fans (and players) on the interwebs today. Here are 10 who made me chuckle:
10. The fix is in! If the Leafs lost, it’s because the refs…
9. Joffrey Lupul’s ghost
From: https://twitter.com/JLupul/status/334341399434649600
8. Cry it out, bro.
From: http://www.thestar.com/sports/hockey/2013/05/14/toronto_maple_leafs_top_10_hilariously_bitter_tweets.html (Click for more sad Leafs fans)
7. Sure, blame it on the wife…
6. Far worse than any Flames loss!
5. Well, at least it wasn’t Game of Thrones…
From: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2013/05/14/toronto-leafs-fan-broken-tv.html
4. Even worse than McGuinty!
3. Just like a deer through the windshield…
From: http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=423146
2. Baby Jesus remembers the Bruins’ last breakaway goal
1. Golf Leafs Golf!
On Friday, I was telling anyone who’d listen that the Leafs-Bruins series would end that night. Of course, I was wrong. Though the Leafs barely hung on in the third period, they still managed to hold off the Bruins to extend the series. And while neither side brought their A game in Game 6, the Leafs were definitely the better team. So they came back from 3-1 down to force Game 7. Congrats. But you’re not gonna see me out there freezing my balls off in Maple Leaf Square or anything.
The fact of the matter is that I’m just not a Leafs fan. I couldn’t possibly stand around outside surrounded by Blue and White with those guys holding up replica Cups without resisting the urge to chant “19-67! 19-67!” in a highly non-complimentary fashion. And I’d probably be the only one cheering after that epic collapse from up 4-1 in the third period to losing in OT. Well, maybe not cheering, but certainly not in break stuff mode, anyways.
Of course, as a Flames fan, I haven’t had a team to cheer for in the playoffs in a little while. And while I can kinda relate to the way the Leafs played in Game 5–score two goals and hold on for dear life is classic Calgary Flames hockey–I can’t say they’ve won me over with tonight’s epic collapse. This is the first time the Leafs have even made the playoffs since I’ve been living here, and I moved to Toronto in 2005. Considering that I’m a Flames fan first and foremost from October until early April, a team with such a track record of post-lockout postseason non-participation is not going to earn my support. Even if I live here. But hey, maybe if they make it past the second round, one of these decades…
Mind you, I’ll be joining Leafs fans in cheering against Ottawa in Round 2. Not that I have anything against the Sens, or the nation’s capital–hell, my folks live 10 minutes from the rink–but I’m wearing my brand-new Iginla jersey in support of the greatest black hockey player of all time. (PK Subban? Come talk to me in 10 years!) Iggy’s on a mission from the hockey gods to take home the Cup, which is precisely why he vetoed that trade with Boston. Cuz clearly, the Bruins aren’t going all the way this year. I mean, they can’t possibly expect to play that poorly for the better part of three games and escape with a series win against any team that’s won the Cup since 1967.
As the Vancouver Canucks, Canada’s (Least-Favourite) Team, deal with another disappointing early playoff exit—a first-round sweep, no less—fans and columnists are trying to figure out what needs to be done to make the team stop choking. Fire the coach, fire the GM, fire the coach and the GM—or maybe just ban blowfish? Then again, they could always do things the “Mexican way,” as this Puerto Escondido, Oaxaca resident suggests:
I dunno guy, but construction companies have been doing it the Mexican Way in Montreal for years—and now most of these guys are out of a job and/or going to jail. But hey, if the Guy Carbonneau Commission leads to the Canucks resigning from the NHL, I’d be all for it! 
The Calgary Herald is reporting that “Hockey Alberta has decided to ban body checking at the Peewee level beginning next season.” As of next year, all Alberta boys under the age of 13 will be penalized for throwing their weight around. Methinks a certain ex-Calgary coach/GM can’t be too pleased with this announcement.
As the Flames’ general manager, Sutter stocked the club with rough-and-tumble Alberta-born players who couldn’t score to save their lives (case in point: Jay Bouwmeester), but weren’t afraid to lay out a big hit (OK, Bouwmeester might be a bad example here). Despite a complete and utter lack of success in between, Sutter’s style of play led the team to a Cup appearance in ’04, and found further success last year with the more Euro-centric L.A. Kings, setting up a crucial conversation between Sutter and Obama on the future of the Keystone XL pipeline (which reportedly didn’t happen). But while Barack might not have been willing to listen to the former Flames coach, perhaps Hockey Alberta might be more receptive to the second-last man to lead one of its teams to a Stanley Cup final?
Then again, as a noted concussion specialist told the Herald, “Recent evidence suggests removing body checking at the Peewee level will reduce players’ risk of concussions and injuries overall by more than three-fold.” Hmm, perhaps if these rules were in place back in Darryl’s day, he might still be able to string a coherent sentence together…
Well, it’s new to me, anyways. I got a hot tip that vintage Iggy jerseys were half off at the Hockey Hall of Fame: 100 bucks plus HST. And since the last Flames jersey I bought was Dion Phaneuf’s, a couple months before they traded him to Toronto, I figured it was time to update my look. Cuz while my Phaneuf jersey gets me heckled at the ACC, an old-school Iginla sweater certainly commands respect. Funny thing, I could’ve bought his jersey on Fan Appreciation Night 2000, but I opted for Marc Savard instead. So this time, I’m buying a Flames sweater after they traded its wearer, not before. Uh, I guess that’s progress?
That being said, I am definitely cheering for Pittsburgh in the playoffs this year. Since the Pitt-NYI series coincides with the Habs and Sens, I’ve been flipping back and forth at stoppages and commercial breaks. I hafta say the former has been much more fun to watch–full-line brawl in Ottawa notwithstanding. Iggy’s been looking good on a line with Sid the Kid, and I hope he helps ‘em win the Cup this year, to make up for the one he was cheated out of in ’04. (Don’t even get me started…)
Of course, it’ll be bittersweet seeing him raise the Cup in another team’s sweater. Let’s just say I won’t put it on my mantle next to my Lanny McDonald photo. But it’s not like I’ve been able to cheer for the Flames in the postseason this decade, so I’ll still be happy for him. And on that note, I might be adding an (insert number-one pick) jersey to my collection in a couple months. Here’s hoping Calgary’s highest draft selection since Dion Phaneuf will be their best first-round pick since Phaneuf… and that he doesn’t join Dion on the Leafs anytime soon. 
Pieu: A long piece of wood, metal or concrete used to reinforce a building, ie pillar, post.
As seen in: « Gracieuseté d’un employé du chantier de construction, une rondelle officielle de hockey à l’effigie du Canadien Montréal se trouve dans l’un des pieux du futur nouvel amphithéâtre, ce qui a provoqué de vives réactions, hier, plusieurs «craignant le mauvais sort». »
(Translation: “Courtesy of a construction-site worker, an official Montreal Canadiens hockey puck was placed in one of the pillars of the future new amphitheatre, which provoked strong reactions yesterday, several fearing bad luck.”)
With the Leafs’ first playoff appearance in nine years comes a 70-per-cent postseason ticket-price increase, jacking up lower-bowl seats into the $315-$800 range. Cue up another round of whining from the “real fans.”
Now, I don’t really think a disgruntled former MLSE employee who values truculence and pugnacity, and once told an anonymous group of NHLers to defecate in their chapeaux, really wrote the above comment—but I also can’t remember the last time I saw “flatulent dreckfest” used in a sentence.
Soooo, the NBA playoffs started last weekend, but I hafta say, I didn’t really notice. Was I still mourning Gonzaga’s early exit from the NCAA tourney? Perhaps a little. But truth be told, I haven’t been following pro ball as closely as the college game these past few years. I mean, it’s not like the Toronto Raptors have been giving me much to cheer for. That said, there’s a good chance I’ll be going to at least one Raptors game next season–although I won’t necessarily be rooting for the home team.
Last Friday, Gonzaga big man Kelly Olynyk did the expected and declared for the NBA draft. After becoming the third Zag to be named first-team All American, he’s now the fourth to leave school with eligibility remaining–even though, as a redshirt junior, he already has his undergraduate degree. Of course, Olynyk also has a special set of skills to go along with his seven-foot frame, and could potentially go down in history as the top Canadian big man of all-time, unseating the likes of Bill Wennington, Todd MacCulloch and Jamaal Magloire in the process–perhaps not such a lofty achievement. As it stands, many mock drafts have him projected to go between 10th and 14th overall. And interestingly enough, the Raptors would’ve had the 12th overall pick had they not shipped it to Houston (for Kyle Lowry), who later passed it on to OKC in the James Harden trade. So if the Raps wanna land the next Canadian superstar, well, they might hafta wait till Kevin Pangos is eligible in 2015.
In fact, there’s a decent possibility that Raptors fans won’t even get to see KO in person more than once a year, as four of the five teams in that 10-14 range play in the Western Conference. Draftexpress.com, for instance, has Olynyk going 13th overall to Dallas, where he could hone his Dirk Nowitzki-like game behind Dirk Nowitzki himself. ESPN, meanwhile, has him going to Utah with the 14th pick, a team that’s had some incredible success drafting Gonzaga alumni in the first round. (FWIW, I’m betting they sign David Stockton as an undrafted free-agent next year.) And nbadraft.net has him 10th overall to Portland, a team that seems set at center with LaMarcus Aldridge–unless they trade him to Cleveland. If nothing else, he’d be close to Spokane, as well as Kamloops. And best-case scenario, he steps into the starting lineup, though I wouldn’t quite bank on that Aldridge trade.
Then again, these mock drafts are never an exact science. Thus, it’s worth noting that two of Toronto’s Atlantic Division foes, namely Philly and Boston, have top-16 picks, while the pesky Milwaukee team that pwned the Raps all season picks 15th. Considering that nbadraft.net has all three of them picking players 6-foot-9 or taller, and, let’s say the Blazers prefer Mason Plumlee, we could be seeing a lot more of Olynyk on the East Coast next year. Cuz let’s face it, the chances of Andrew Bynum going a full season without injury are about as slim as North Philadelphia going a full week without gun violence. Not that I really wanna see Kelly in a Sixers jersey. But hey, I hear Boston’s nice this time of year…
