Category Archives: Movies

I’ve seen a few.

LUNCH AND A MOVIE: Iron Man III

Posted by gruesomegreg on

I might have said this before, but I read a lot of comic books when I was a kid, which has led to me seeing a lotta super-hero movies lately, especially the Marvel ones.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve now seen all three Iron Man movies at the theatre, and possibly in 3D.  Although he was never my favourite (that would be Wolverine), I think Robert Downey Jr.’s portrayal of cocky billionaire genius Tony Stark aka Iron Man, is what makes this franchise such a blockbuster.  Sure beats the actor’s portrayal of Sherlock Holmes, in any case.

Now, it seems quite clear the director/producer/studio was aiming for a Christmas release on this one, as it actually takes place over Christmastime.  (Iron Man III: Die Hard?)  But I guess this wasn’t blockbustery enough for blockbuster season, as it instead received a summer release–and an early-summer release, at that.  There were actually more people in line at Cineplex to see The Great Gatsby, which I’ve heard doesn’t look nearly as good in 3D.  More on that in a sec…

But first, we interrupt this regularly-scheduled movie review to bring you a corned-beef sandwich.

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Now, Caplansky’s might have the food truck and Duff’s the brand recognition, but for my money’s worth, darn-near the best deli sandwich in this city comes from the New Yorker Deli on Bay just north of Charles.  Several slices of succulent, juicy meat piled high on rye bread with a slice of swiss that adheres to the meat without melting.  Delish!  Now, where were we?

Right, so Iron Man III actually has a bit more of a plot than past installments, and isn’t simply a good excuse to blow stuff up.  Not that there aren’t still some spectacular explosions, mind you.  But much like the latest James Bond film tries to portray our hero as weakened and diminished, Shane Black and Drew Pearce attempt to do the same here, showing Stark at his most vulnerable.  In the midst of a marital crisis, America just so happens to be faced with a severe terrorist threat.  As if Stark’s panic attacks weren’t bad enough already, he now has to save the world from the Mandarin.

There is definitely a bit of a Western vibe here, the classic tripe of “left for dead, back for revenge”–which we also saw in Skyfall.  Only in this one, our hero is helped by a cute little kid, cuz having a prepubescent sidekick is always a big box-office boost.  And Gwyneth Paltrow gets to show off the rock-hard bod that made her People’s Most Beautiful Woman (although I happen to think co-star Rebecca Hall, who played Ben Affleck’s love interest in the The Town, is actually more attractive) in another classic action movie cliche: “You kidnapped my wife, now you’re gonna pay!”

Marvel fanboys will appreciate the fact that The Mandarin finally makes his film debut in this one.  But while in the Marvelverse, The Mandarin is to Iron Man what The Red Skull is to Captain America (or Loki is to Thor, without the sibling rivalry), the film portrays him much differently.  In the updated, modernized “War on Terror” backdrop, he’s less the evil mastermind and much more of a figurehead, which is kinda disappointing for those of us who used to read the comics.  The real villains in this flick are actually a genetically-modified race of super-humans…  Gee, where have we seen that before?

Alas, while Downey Jr. still shines as Stark, the cliche-ridden storyline turns this one into The Good Terminator Taken Hard III–which perhaps explains why Django Unchained got the coveted Christmas slot instead.  Never thought I’d say this, but where’s Timothy Bryce when you need him?

Oh, and for what it’s worth, I think I enjoyed the sandwich more than the film.  Lunch 1, Movie 0.

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Patrick Bateman needs 100-grand in the next two weeks–or he’ll stab you to death and play around with your blood!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

What could be better than American Psycho, one of the greatest films ever made about the pleasures of conformity and the importance of trends?  Well, how about an American Psycho musical?  That’s right, writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, director Rupert Goold and composer Duncan Sheik have conspired to bring the Bret Easton Ellis classic to the stage–complete with song-and-dance numbers!  I don’t suppose they can afford the rights to “Hip to be Square,” “The Greatest Love of All” or “Sussudio,” but in any case, this is sure to be the greatest musical since Evil Dead.

Even if they aren’t dishing out the big bucks on licensing fees, the creators of this great, great show are seeking some financial aid.  Because they don’t actually work on Wall Street, for Pierce and Pierce.  In fact, the play is premiering in London, not NYC.  Then again, London actually has a restaurant named Dorsia, so I suppose that makes sense…

Through a Kickstarter campaign, Goold, Sheik, Easton Ellis and company are looking to raise 150-grand towards funding this endeavour.  As of right now, they’re about 97K short with an evil 666 backers.  I’ll leave it to you to click the link to see all the awesome prizes, but let’s just say they’ll actually send you Patrick Bateman’s business card (which is also a USB key) if you pledge at least 25 bucks.  It even has a watermark!

5 THINGS I’LL MISS IN MY BACKYARD: 4. Bloor Cinema

Posted by gruesomegreg on

So, I’m making a big move next Tuesday–over three kilometres, in fact!  (Okay fine, 3.1 km.)  But while it isn’t a great physical distance, moving to my new apartment means I’ll no longer be in an Annex State of Mind.  I have lived in The Annex for four years now, and have come to the realization that your average Annex resident is either under the age of 25 or over the age of 50.  So I might not miss the people–or being the best-dressed guy on the block on Casual Friday, no less–but there are certainly a few things that I’ll regret not having within walking distance anymore.  I’ll be counting off five of them over the next few days.

(I mean, you don’t actually expect me to walk three kilometres, do you!?  That’s like a half-hour marathon–OK, more like 45 minutes for me…)

5. Lee’s Palace (and to a lesser extent, the Annex Wreckroom)

4. Bloor Cinema

I’ll admit that I didn’t pay this place much attention when it was a sticky, smelly, seventh-run theatre that screened The Rocky Horror Picture Show on Halloween and other cult classics.  But I gotta say, I really like what they did with the place.  Since they’ve dedicated the upgraded facilities to host documentaries, I’ve stopped by several times, whether to check out docs about Bob Marley, the Ben Johnson steroid scandal, media manipulation, Hunter S. Thompson…  They even showed a double-bill of Strange Brew and FUBAR on Canada Day–admission was free–and continue to host film fests like TIFF, Hot Docs and Toronto After Dark.

Alas, while I’ve made a habit of checking out what’s on the digital flat-screen marquee whenever I walk by the building, Hot Docs falls at an inopportune time for me this year, as I’ll be busy with packing till the end of the month.  It’s a bit of a bummer, cuz I kinda wanted to see Fuck For Forest, which is screening late Sunday night.  I mean, who doesn’t wanna cum to save the world? :P

LUNCH AND A MOVIE: Spring Breakers

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Ever since I first heard that Harmony Korine would be directing a “drug-and-violence fueled bacchanal” starring former Disney princesses Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson, I knew I had to see it.  Man, I wanted to see it badly enough to wake up early and try to score same-day tickets at TIFF.  (I just narrowly missed the cut-off window.)  I’ve kept occasional tabs on the film since then, knowing that it would open in theatres sometime around Spring Break.  It turned out to be a week late (unless you live in NYC or LA), but that still gave me time to catch it while it was still playing in the cinema; I certainly don’t envision a lengthy cinematic run, despite the media attention its stars are getting on Entertainment Tonight, etc.

Another thing I’ve wanted for a long time is a Five Guys burger.  They recently opened their first Toronto location at Yonge & Dundas, in a space partially vacated by the HMV Megastore.  It’s been there since last summer, but I hadn’t had a chance to go…  until today.  You could say it was a match made on a drug-and-violence fueled bacchanal in St. Petersburg, Florida–or something like that. ;)

Anyways, Five Guys Yonge St has a light-up sign in homage to the former Sam the Record Man next door, albeit on a much smaller scale.  Their open-concept establishment contains ample seating that allows you to watch what’s going on behind the grill.  The chalkboard proudly states that their potatoes come from Alberton, PEI, and there are several bags stacked near the entrance for your spud-porn pleasure.  It’s not much of a mystery as to how they got there–after all, the people of PEI have a key to the city.  Thanks, Mel Lastman!

Anyhoo, I had the double-cheeseburger with regular-sized Cajun fries and an iced tea.  The spread looked a little something like this:

002There are testaments on the wall as to how amazing the burgers are, and hey, they don’t disappoint.  Two thick, juicy patties with an abundance of free fresh toppings that enhance the palette; the sharpness of the pickles, the smoothness of the mushrooms (I loves me some mushroom burgers!), the almost-overpowering kick of the jalapenos.  It occurred to me that most places use banana peppers, not jalapenos, as burger toppings, and I was quickly reminded why between extended swigs of soda.

As for the fries, well, I think going Cajun-style mighta been a mistake.  The seasoning was a little too salty, ruining the taste of an otherwise perfect PEI potato.  And for the record, there were a lot more fries than seen above; just about as many in the paper bag as were in the paper cup.  They apparently don’t do trays at this place…

Anyways, while the food was all quite tasty–Cajun fries aside–the price was a little steep at $16 for the combo.  You’ll hafta take full advantage of all the free toppings, free peanuts and free refills to really get your money’s worth.

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By comparison, paying 13 bucks to see the movie was almost a steal.  For my money’s worth, this is Korine’s best work–and not just because it’s showing at a Cineplex.  Suffice to say it was a major step up from his last production, Trash Humpers, which I actually saw at the Scotiabank Theatre (during TIFF, mind you).  That one definitely didn’t receive a widespread theatrical release…

So you’re a former Disney Channel actress who’s now reached adulthood and is trying to avoid being typecast as a high-school cheerleader or a princess.  What better way to break the mould than by appearing as a homicidal, drug-addicted, sex-crazed coed in various states of undress for 94 minutes?  At least, I assume that’s how this film was pitched to its female leads.  As for Franco, who plays a semi-parodic white-boy version of Lil Wayne meets Tony Montana, one can only assume he was high when he first read the script. ;)

Don’t get me wrong, as laugh-out-loud ridiculous as Franco’s “Alien” character is, he’s probably the most well-acted.  Only Gomez, who serves as sort of an early narrator, is really given any depth–and she gets sent home early.  The other girls sure look real purdy giving their bedroom eyes in teeny bikinis, but aside from their hair-trigger urges to commit armed robbery, these characters are fairly one-dimensional.

That being said, the cinematography is simply stunning.  Korine opens with a montage of Girls Gone Wild-style tits ‘n cheap beer to make it clear that this isn’t a Disney movie, and includes more crotch shots than a Globe and Mail cover.  The actresses are clearly portrayed as sex objects–but no more so than the crazy college girls you’d see in *insert freshman guy comedy here,* only these aren’t bit players, rather the stars of the show.  But the initial premise that these sex-starved sluts, who draw penises during a lecture about Hitler (to some degree of amusement) are so desperate to escape their college town for Spring Break that they’ll rob every place on Main Street seems a little flimsy, at best.

That being said, the storyline gets somewhat stronger, if equally surreal, in the second half, after the girls are bailed out of jail by Franco’s Weezy Scarface.  This is where the movie takes a dark turn, from spring-break escapism to the seedy underworld of a popular tourist spot.  And unlike a Hollywood action film full of car chases and explosions, the slow pacing and extended repetition (a Korine trademark) simply build tension to a final scene that’s almost on par with Django Unchained–albeit without the prevailing sense of social justice.  (Let’s just say that it’s the black folks who get shot.)

Of course, in watching this film, one can’t help but be reminded that the bikini-clad killers on screen were once the stars of High School Musical, Pretty Little Liars and Barney & Friends.  (Barney was actually Gomez’s first big break.)  There’s a whole subtext here about pushing the Disney girls to their limits.  Gomez, the youngest and least removed from her Disney days, takes off before the going really gets rough, while Rachel Korine (yes, Harmony cast his own 26-year-old wife in this picture!) is up for a solo, nude, post-gunshot shower scene before she takes the bus back to the sticks.

Benson and Hudgens, however, go all the way in a swimming-pool threesome with Franco that would be a lot steamier if the three co-stars didn’t all have “no naughty bits” clauses in their contracts.  Let’s just say that if this movie proves to be a career-killer for the young girl who rose to fame as Gabrielle Montez in those teenage TV movies, she just might have a future in the adult film industry.  With her sultry, come-hither expression locked on for the duration of the film, I can see why 12-year-old boys everywhere went wild over those semi-nude photos that surfaced online a few years back.  Zac Efron probably cried out of his penis while watching this film.  (I know I did.)

Alas, Spring Breakers is definitely not meant for teenyboppers of either gender.  Judging by the outspoken reaction of the 12-year-old girl behind me who snuck into the film, it’ll probably leave them scarred for life–or at least until they head off to college.  Methinks this means Korine hit his mark with this subversive soon-to-be cult classic.  And I’m sure we’ll be seeing this one at 2 am on Spike TV for generations to cum. ;)

10 REASONS TO SEE MY STANDUP SHOW THIS SUNDAY: 4. There’s bound to be at least one American Psycho reference…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

In case you didn’t know, I’m doing a standup show at Absolute Comedy on Sunday, March 3rd at 3 pm (more info here).  I’m new to this whole live comedy thing, but I’ve been taking classes at Second City, and I reckon I’m getting ‘er rather good.  In case the everyday humorous content on my blog doesn’t convince you that my five-minute act is worth your five dollars, I’ll be giving you 10 more reasons to see my show over the next 10 days.  Here’s another one…

10. My act’s got more balls than Lance Armstrong, more legs than Oscar Pistorius, more hair than Rob Halford!

9. Absolute Comedy is conveniently located near Eglinton Station for your TTCing pleasure

8. The menu at Absolute doesn’t contain confusing Italian words like “pasta,” “calamari” or “bottiglia.”

7. Rob Ford gives it a “Respect for Taxpayers” and a “Stop the Gravy Train!”

6. There are no major sporting events occurring at this date and time.  Don’t you need a reason to drink beer?

5. We can go bowling afterwards!  (There may or may not be strippers…)

4. There’s bound to be at least one American Psycho reference…

As I’ve said before, American Psycho changed my life.  Great, great film.  Personal favourite.  But while my Phil Collins bit didn’t go so well (she almost got away), I can guarantee that there’ll be at least one American Psycho reference in my set on Sunday–although you’d hafta be a fellow fan of the film to pick up on it. ;)

Amateur Sunday Afternoon @ Absolute Comedy, 2335 Yonge St, Sunday, March 3rd. $5. Doors @ 2:30, show starts @ 3 pm.

COMMENT OF THE DAY: C’mon man, could we not expect a family show from the creator of Family Guy?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/arts/awards-and-festivals/film-awards/seth-macfarlane-keeps-up-the-oscar-trend-of-terrible-hosts/article9017861/

Though he may not have employed any crude references to a young girl’s genitals, Seth MacFarlane has nevertheless caught a lotta heat for his Oscars hosting gig from such respected publications as The Globe and Mail.  Then again, did anyone expect The Globe to heap praise and adulation upon the creator of a cartoon show for adults?  A couple commenters are suggesting that the national newspaper’s hatchet job was possibly premeditated:

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Meanwhile, I’m sure the coverage at the Sun was more along the lines of “Duuuude, Seth rocks!  Hey, did you hear about Rob Ford getting money from that lefty pinko communist?”  I don’t even need to visit their site to foresee this. ;)

The Onion apparently needs to learn the seven words you can’t say to a nine-year-old…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Jennifer Lawrence may have made history with her Oscar acceptance face-plant, but one of her runners-up in the Best Actress category has stolen several supermarket-tabloid headlines—not for anything she said or did, but for what was being said about her.  Quvenzhané Wallis (pronounced kwuh-VEN-zhuh-nay), the nine-year-old nominated for her performance in Beasts of the Southern Wild, apparently had Kelly Osbourne tongue-tied, with Ozzy’s offspring constantly referring to her as “Little Q” in her red-carpet commentary.  Considering that her old man can barely string a coherent sentence together, perhaps we shouldn’t expect too much from the former reality TV star—but you’d think that learning the name of one of the nominees for best freakin’ actress would be part of any entertainment reporter’s pre-Oscar preparations.

That being said, Osbourne’s gaffe pales in comparison to The Onion, as the satirical news site actually tweeted the following:

Let’s see, other than the fact that the “c-word” is degrading and offensive to women, using it towards a nine-year-old girl adds an extra layer of creepy disgustingness.  Someone at The Onion must’ve been asleep at the switch—or drinking on the job.  And now, as The Daily Mail reports, consequences will never be the same!

Looks like an unsuspecting satirist is about to get a cap busted in his azz, yo!

The evil that newsmen do…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

“I’m the slime oozin’ out from your TV set” – Frank Zappa

Tis a shame that Zappa passed away prematurely in ’93–for one thing, he would’ve been a great source for Shadows of Liberty, a mass-media documentary now playing at the Bloor.  The mother of all Mothers of Invention was a staunch critic of censorship, famously naming his 1985 album Frank Zappa Meets the Mothers of Prevention in response to the ridiculousness of the PMRC.  Alas, while this Canadian-directed doc isn’t about music, it largely deals with the issue of self-censorship by major media conglomerates, painting CBS in a particularly bad light.  Hey, I’m sure the songwriter of “I’m the Slime” would have something to say about the news today–if nothing else, he’d have made a more authoritative subject than Danny Glover, whose inclusion I found puzzling.

Alas, while “I’m The Slime” was written and recorded in ’73, it hardly seems dated, as many of its lyrics ring true today.  By the same token, many of the examples used in Shadows of Liberty were from events that took place in the mid-to-late 90′s–which isn’t to say they don’t still hold water.  Then again, it’s probably pretty hard to get active reporters to denounce the parent company on camera, even if similar docs, such as Outfoxed, were able to dig up more modern material.  (I take it Fox News doesn’t have a very high retention rate…)

Nevertheless, it’s still pretty impactful to get the straight goods from the source’s mouth; in this case, sources like Roberta Baskin, whose story on Nike sweatshops was swept under the rug after Nike dangled major sponsorship dollars towards CBS’s coverage of the 1998 Olympics.  In fact, the network backpedaled so hard that all its correspondents wore jackets emblazoned with a highly-noticeable Nike swoosh during the Nagano Games.  Also running afoul of The Eye in that era was reporter Kristina Borjesson, who had received some evidence to suggest that the tragic TWA Flight 800 might have been shot down by a U.S. Navy missile.  But CBS, which was then owned by Westinghouse, a major government contractor, quickly handed the evidence over to authorities, who would later state publicly that there was no evidence to show a missile had hit the plane.

Shadows of Liberty also touches on the tragic tale of Gary Webb, a San Jose Mercury News reporter who broke the story of a Nicaraguan Contra cocaine smuggling ring supplying crack to the streets of L.A.  Being that the Contras were backed by the CIA, this was a pretty contentious piece, which was initially discredited by major news organizations, and eventually by the Mercury News itself.  Never mind that the Hitz Report later confirmed Webb’s findings–he was shunned by the journalistic community and unable to find work as a reporter.  According to the documentary, this led him to take his own life in 2004.

But while these three somewhat-dated examples show how mainstream-media self-censorship can cost investigative journalists their careers, the film doesn’t deliver as strongly when it moves on to other topics.  For instance, after a long preamble on how the Iraq war was a total shamble (which isn’t exactly news to anyone by now), the film suggests, almost as a footnote, that public support for the war was strongly influenced by the uncritical coverage of the Bush Administration’s testimony by several high-profile New York Times reporters.  Not only are they lacking the strong primary sources for this piece (inside perspective comes from just one former NYT editor), but they don’t even present evidence as to how influential the Times really is, aside from some statements by a couple of media studies professors/fair-reporting foundation heads.  Now, I may be as Canadian as Shadows director/writer/producer Jean-Philippe Tremblay, but as I recall, Operation Iraqi Liberation wasn’t an incredibly popular war, so I think the point was somewhat lost.

Likewise, a vignette about how the NBC series “How to Catch a Predator” drove an assistant district attorney (who reportedly had a thing for young boys) to his death, while certainly tragic, seems somewhat misplaced, as the overall narrative to this point doesn’t dwell much on “infotainment” news.  There are some earlier clips showing coverage of Anna Nicole Smith and some Fox News doofus asking Sarah Palin about ordering a frosty at Wendy’s–but aside from the Dateline bit, we don’t really go down that road.  Also, the film was clearly completed before any of the News of the World news broke, so while some are suggesting the film has been given a boost by the latest major media scandal, there is really no rapport between phone-hacking and this documentary.

With all that being said, I think Shadows of Liberty would’ve benefited from a tighter focus.  The fact that large corporate conglomerates control the mass media isn’t really new or shocking to most people.  It’s how they suppress critical reporting and investigative journalism, in particular contentious pieces pertaining to the government or major advertisers, which is the real story here.  A couple more timely examples (hey, I heard CNN recently made major cuts to its investigative reporting team) and we’re golden.  Just don’t expect any Oscar nods, cuz, y’know, that’s all controlled by major corporations, too. ;)

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Because when I’m disappointed in Ron Jeremy’s performance, I head straight to the liquor store…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/arts-and-life/food/Porn-star-rum-back-on-Liquor-Mart-shelves-191249161.html

After making entertainment news by pulling The Hedgehog’s Ron de Jeremy off its shelves due to a customer complaint, the Manitoba Liquor Control Commission has begun the long, hard process of getting the creamy liqueur back in its stores.  Apparently, there was nothing inappropriate about the product, with its smooth head leading to a big finish that’ll make you wanna swallow every drop.  “The bottle’s label features Jeremy’s face but no reference to his work in thousands of pornographic films,” the Winnipeg Free Press reports.

But perhaps the bigger question is, how can one penis-envy sufferer pull an entire line of alcohol from a provincial liquor store chain based on one little complaint?  And who gave the pussy that kinda power, in the first place?  Alas, one WFP commentor suspects the complainant never drank in Jeremy’s golden nectar—they’re just being a prude:

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(Hmm, it’s probably a good thing he/she didn’t notice that case of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, eh?)

If only Jason London still had Ben Affleck to block for him…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

You know how the cool kids in high school often end up as losers who get into fights in bars and crap their pants in cop cars when they get older?  Well, it would appear the same is true for actors who played the cool kids in high school.  As Reuters reports, “Dazed and Confused star Jason London has been arrested in Arizona and charged with assault and disorderly conduct over a bar room fracas in which he is accused of throwing punches and later defecating in a patrol car on his way to jail, a police report showed on Tuesday.”  Although neither could not be reached for comment, rumour has it that he might have been set up by O’Bannion or that Mitch Kramer kid. ;)

In fact, London took to Twitter to denounce an initial report, tweeting, “Guys, the TMZ report is a total fucking lie. I got jumped by three 250 pound bouncers. They knocked me out and beat me for several minutes.”  Hey, it’s not assault if you’re on the receiving end, right?  Right?  However, it seems the Scottsdale PD has a different story.  According to Reuters, it all started with a sneeze.  “Police said London was at the Martini Ranch bar in the Phoenix suburb of Scottsdale on Sunday when an unidentified person complained London had sneezed on him and the person asked him to apologize.”  Because nobody sneezes on Chuck Norris and lives to tell the tale!*

There were no reports of roundhouse kicking, however, when shit hit the fan.  Reuters reports that “Instead of apologizing, London punched the person, the report from Scottsdale police said. He was escorted out by bouncers and during that time he hit them, leading the security guards to ‘defend themselves’ against London, it added.”  One can only imagine what they did in self-defense—London later tweeted that he suffered “a right orbital fracture and sinus fracture.”  But shit didn’t allegedly start going down until Pink was cuffed in the squad car.  “While seated in the back of the patrol car on the way to jail, one of the officers saw London ‘lean to the left and defecate in his pants’ after the actor complained about the odor in the vehicle, the police report said” as per Reuters.

London insists, however, that he who smelt it allegedly dealt it.  “I would never say or do the crap they are reporting,” he tweeted.  In any case, it looks like he won’t be starting at quarterback for Austin High next season…

 

*There is no evidence that Chuck Norris was actually on the premises, or even in Arizona, at the time.  However, that statement remains deadly accurate.