Category Archives: Only in…

Only in America/Saskatchewan/wherever

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Not even in Winnipeg?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://o.canada.com/2013/05/02/the-joint-head-shop-in-winnipeg-raided-for-copyright-violation/

The RCMP and Winnipeg Police joined forces to bust a head shop yesterday—but not for what you think.  Apparently, The Joint had been selling unlicensed merchandise, ie pipes and bongs, depicting characters from Star Wars, Angry Birds, Looney Tunes and The Simpsons.  So, the fuzz busted ‘em for copyright violations—then they were all too proud to display their seized wares at a press conference, as per the Winnipeg Free Press’ Mike on Crime:

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(Hey maaaan, even the pigs gotta reeeelax, eh?)

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Couldn’t a couple Messiahs and a Christ cancel out all those Lucifers?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

When a small, isolated country like Iceland imposes strict naming conventions, it’s somewhat bizarre, if not slightly amusing.  After all, most people can’t deconstruct the gender complexities of a language that’s essentially outdated Swedish.  But when a small, isolated, English-speaking country releases its annual list of banned names, it’s always good for a chuckle—or 666.  As CNN reports, New Zealand’s Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages  unveiled its latest list yesterday, which includes names like Lucifer, Christ and Messiah—not to mention 4Real, Mafia No Fear and Anal.  Somehow, I don’t think that’s how the last child was conceived… but I’m guessing Vaginal wouldn’t be an acceptable name in New Zealand, either.  Especially if it was a boy’s name.  He’s surely get sick of being called a pussy pretty quickly!

On the other hand, the censors did slip up in ’08, reportedly allowing one couple to name their child Number 16 Bus Shelter.  In that case, I’m guessing that’s probably where the kid was conceived, joining his brother Back of a Ford Pickup and sister Women’s Washroom at the Monster Truck Rally in their happy family.  (Presumably, they had to smuggle their siblings to Australia in order to obtain those birth certificates.)  That being said, what the Registrar giveth, the courts can taketh away.  Also in ’08, Fairfax NZ News noted that a family court judge ordered a nine-year-old girl to be “temporarily placed under court guardianship” because her folks had christened her Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.  According to the news report, the girl never told her friends what her name was.  I betcha she said to just call her Lucifer.

Alas, New Zealand doesn’t have a monopoly on misused monikers.  According to CNN, you can’t name your child Superman or Metallica in Sweden, not to mention the 733t h4x0rs who attempted to register their offspring as Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116.  Try saying that five times fast—or even once!

And while most of Canada doesn’t care what you call yourself, Quebec clearly thinks otherwise.  (Quelle surprise!)  Their provincial government website states “If parents choose an odd compound surname or given name that clearly invites ridicule or may discredit the child, the Directeur de l’état civil may suggest that the parents change their choice of name.”  Non-compliance could bring the wrath of the Attorney General of Québec!  And, According to the Toronto Star, la belle province has shot down suggestions such as Goldorak, Boom-Boom, Lucifer and Salaud.  I take it the last child was born out of wedlock.  But hey, shouldn’t there be an accent on Lucifer, somewhere?

There was also a famous case in ’96 where a couple wanted to name their child Spatule, which translates to spatula, but is also the name of a bird.  They ultimately chose another cooking utensil.  I’ve heard Friteuse Tanguay sure makes a mean poutine! ;)

Who brings their life savings to a carnival, anyways!?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

OK, so the stories of people going broke at the casino aren’t that unusual.  But when a man blows his entire net worth on Tubs of Fun at the kiddie fair, well that’s something you don’t see every day.  CBS Boston is reporting that “Henry Gribbohm says he lost his life savings, $2,600, on a carnival game and all he has to show for it is a stuffed banana with dreadlocks.”  OK, so the guy only has $2,600 to his name.  I got almost that much money back from my tax return.  But c’mon maaaan, what makes you drop literally all your dough on dropping balls in a bucket!?

According to CBS, “The 30-year-old from Epsom says he kept trying to win back his money by going double or nothing. He dropped $300 in just a few minutes, then says he went home to get $2,300 more and soon lost all of that as well.”  That’s right, he went home to get all the money he had put aside, then went back to the fair to blow the rest.  Mr. Gribbohm, we have a private jet standing by to take you to Las Vegas!

Of course, you can’t call the cops on a casino—but in this case, that’s what our ball-toss champion did. “Henry says he went back the next day to complain, and the man running the game gave him back $600. Henry split with the banana and the cash, and filed a report with the Manchester Police Department.”  Because by now, he’s on a first-name basis with his local CBS affiliate—which nevertheless felt the need to needle him with a bad banana-split pun.  But hey, at least he got  23 per cent of his net worth back!

COMMENT OF THE DAY: I dunno guy, but I don’t think Bob Barker and prison rape belong in the same sentence…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://now.msn.com/inmates-rate-prisons-on-yelp

Apparently, inmates in American prisons are now rating their facilities on Yelp.  Because who wouldn’t wanna stay at a five-star prison?  Well, this wrongfully-accused ex-detainee, for one…

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Methinks that rape might be too strong a word in relation to ramen noodles—especially when the next sentence refers to actual rape.  Surely, you’d think someone who spent that much time in the joint wouldn’t use that word lightly.

Talk about a hair-raising experience!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

An Indian stuntman died today while “attempting to cross the turbulent River Teesta on Sunday in the state of West Bengal on a 180-metre wire above the water,” Agence France Presse reports.  Strung up by his hair, no less.  Sailendra Nath Roy actually holds the world record for “distance travelled on a zip-line while hanging by his hair,” as per the AFP, but in his attempt to break his own record, his hair held strong—but his heart gave out.

As the AFP reports, “After attaching his shoulder-length hair to a pulley on the zip-line, Roy had completed about half of the distance when his pony-tail became entangled and he found himself unable to move.”  Hereby giving ‘bad hair day’ a whole new meaning.  “Hundreds of spectators initially cheered him on, but then began screaming in horror when they saw the married father of two sons making increasingly desperate attempts to move forward.”  Cuz the last thing you want where your hair is caught in a pulley halfway across a turbulent river is for everybody else to start panicking.

“Preliminary investigations suggest that Roy suffered an heart attack caused by a nervous breakdown after remaining suspended for several minutes,” B.R. Satpathi, who heads West Bengal state’s medical services, told the AFP, whose photog on the scene snapped this harrowing pic:

But hey, at least he died doing what he loved(!?)

Italians sure love to eat pizza—as long as they don’t hafta make it!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

You know the apocalypse is upon us when there’s a pizza shortage in Italy.  As The Telegraph reports, Italians are apparently too proud to produce the popular product, and the pizza-making industry is facing a labour shortage as a result.  “Despite a long recession and high unemployment, Italians are shunning the job because of the long hours and modest pay,” according to the British newspaper.  Wait, you mean all-you-can-eat breadsticks for $9.95 an hour isn’t incentive enough?  (Oh wait, that’s not Italy, it’s Pizza Hut.)

And here’s the kicker: what with the global economic downturn and the Eurozone crisis, Italians are actually eating more pizza—they’re just not making enough to meet demand.  As per The Telegraph, “with a slice of pizza an increasingly popular lunch time option in times of economic hardship, the pizza sector is booming – and an estimated 6,000 new ‘pizzaioili’ are needed, according to FIPE, an Italian business federation.”  Hmm, I guess they can’t outsource those jobs to India, eh?

But before you can say “Ai-yai-yai, pizza pie,” it’s Egypt to the rescue!  Having overthrown its authoritarian leader, The Land of The Pharaohs is now throwing dough up in the air—apparently with great aplomb.  As David Mandolin, head of the Italian School for Pizza Makers, told Corriere della Sera newspaper. “To make a good pizza, it needs to be crunchy but also digestible. Not everyone can do that, but the Egyptians can.”

So, what’s their secret?  “We are good at it because we are prepared to work hard. Italians, in contrast, want a nice comfortable office job where they can work six hours a day, five days a week, in air-conditioning. They’re not prepared to work 10, 12 hours a day,” an Egyptian emigrate told The Telegraph.  At least some cultural stereotypes still hold true, capiche?

Uh, since when do cops wear green sweatpants?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

The Calgary Herald is reporting that “Police are warning drivers that someone is impersonating a police officer and pulling over vehicles in Calgary.”  But it would appear that this impersonator could use some acting lessons—not to mention a costume designer.  As per the Herald, the fake cop is “a 5’7” Caucasian man wearing green sweatpants.”  Gee, you think he at least could’ve bought some navy blue ones!

That said, it seems he spared no expense on the dashboard lights.  The Calgary Police Service isn’t sure where he got them, but as one officer told the Herald, “I have seen them for sale in the States. Obviously, people are getting a hold of them some way.”  Hmm, have you tried meat-loaf.com?  I hear that guy would do anything for love a buck these days…

In any case, it’s not abundantly clear what our shoddy impersonator’s motives are, but they apparently involve temporary blindness.  Duty Staff Sgt. Guy Baker remarked that “the male did not approach quickly, did not identify himself as a police officer and used a flashlight (directly) into her eyes.”  Baker also confirmed this guy’s not the only eye-dentist on the road.  “We’ve had nine incidents in the last five years, none of which match the same description of the vehicle or the suspect,” he told the Herald.  Note to single ladies: If a green-pants officer issues you a ticket for “Driving While Gorgeous,” it’s probably not worth the toilet paper it’s printed on. ;)

Somebody oughtta take that overbearing bureaucrat to the Human Rights Tribunal! Oh, wait…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

In an ultimate twist of public-sector irony, a report revealed that Shirish Chotalia, former chairperson of the Canadian Human Rights Tribunal, constantly violated the rights of her own employees.  As the Ottawa Citzen reports, “According to evidence and witness testimony, Chotalia ordered staff to spy on an employee at work and report his or her movements and actions to her. She repeatedly tried to fire an employee without justifiable reason and retaliated against employees who did not accept her wishes or defended others against her verbal abuse.”  She even forced her employees to stay put during the deadly Ottawa earthquake of 2010 so that she could be sworn in.  Talk about a tyrant!

But where do you go for help when your human-rights-violating boss is in charge of the human-rights court?  As it turns out, the Public Sector Integrity Commissioner himself had to turn the case over to a deputy because of his own previous “professional interactions” with the supposed Stalin of the CHRT.  But the findings in the Chotalia case determined that her conduct “was the most egregious he has encountered in his two-and-a-half years as commissioner,” according to the Citizen.  Here’s what else the Citizen reported on the report:

  • Chotalia, who was appointed to the post on Nov. 2, 2009, harassed and abused eight CHRT employees, as well as several appointed tribunal members.
  • During meetings, she behaved in a way that was “belittling and humiliating” toward individuals, often raising personal health issues or unjustifiably blaming them for errors.
  • On more than one occasion, her public humiliations reduced her targets to tears.
  • Chotalia often made unreasonable requests, such as working outside regular hours and being available around the clock by BlackBerry without additional pay.
  • In one case, she required an employee to carry a set of keys to the office around their neck, even though the person complained that this caused discomfort and pain.
  • She also asked people to come to work when they were on sick leave and to work while on holidays.
  • Chotalia spoke about not trusting her employees and frequently accused some of stealing items from her, such as documents or binders, when she was unable to locate them.
  • She also often made “unrealistic requests” to her human resources service provider, such as wanting to de-unionize CHRT employees.  And this one’s my favourite:
  • Many witnesses confirmed that she told them there was a conspiracy against her.  She reportedly told one person “I was chosen by a Conservative government, I am a brown woman from Alberta and the unions want to remove me.”

Now, who knew that unions were racist—against people from Alberta!?  Alas, if the findings of this 2011-2012 investigation are only just now coming to light, it’s because the accused never took the stand in her defence before leaving her 256K-a-year position nearly a year ago.  No word as to whether she’s been offered a similar role with the Government of China. ;)

Because hey, even provincial premiers need to masturbate…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Kathy Dunderdale, the unpopular premier of Newfoundland, shut down her Twitter account last night due to “a report that showed she happened to be following an X-rated account that featured pornographic videos,” according to the CBC.  Gee, wouldn’t it be easier just to unfollow someone?

That being said, it seems Dunderdale isn’t particularly tech-savvy.  As per the CBC, she said “she had not used her Twitter account for a lengthy period, and had no knowledge that she followed the account.”  She also seems to have no knowledge that you don’t hafta follow-back everyone who follows you.  That being said…  there are Newfoundland-based porn sites!?  No, I don’t wanna know where that cod has been! ;)

Not that there’s anything wrong with watching a little porn, but this move seems sorta hypocritical considering that an opposition MHA (as they call them on The Rock) was kicked out of the house for belonging to a Facebook group called “Kathy Dunderdale Must Go!”  I can only imagine the stiff penalty deposed NDPer Gerry Rogers would face if it was revealed he was also in a group called “Kathy Dunderdale’s Going to Come!”

Peter Hansen is a real penis!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Hansen, the grammatically-challenged New Hampshire State Representative, was forced to apologize today for an email in which he wrote “What could possibly be missing from those factual tales of successful retreat in VT, Germany, and the bowels of Amsterdam? Why children and vagina’s of course.”  That statement still sounds creepy when you don’t take it out of context, by the way.  But what really got people’s backs up is the Amherst Republican personifying the female gender by its lady parts.

As the local blogger who broke the story wrote, “I’m pretty sure that when the Titanic was sinking, the captain’s instructions were ‘women and children first,’ not ‘vagina’s and children first.’ That the representative chose to describe women as ‘vagina’s’ is certainly an affront to half the population. That he failed to properly pluralize the word adds insult to idiocy.”  And to make matters worse, the state governor and all four of its representatives in Washington D.C. are female.  “I think it offends and takes us away from the important task of making sure we debate with civility,” Governor Maggie Hassan told ABC News.

Rep. Hansen, in his defense, stated that he’s a big Alice Cooper fan.  (He also might be having tacos for dinner…  get it?)  “My point in the choice of words was twofold: One was shock content and the other was to try to get into the mind of the perpetrator,” Hansen told The Telegraph of Nashua.  Funny, it sounds more like he’s trying to get into her pants…