Category Archives: Eating Materials

I like food, food is good.

This just in: A bit of beer makes you a happy camper!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

In another study for which I clearly missed the casting call, researchers at Indiana University found that “dopamine levels increased in men who consumed such a small amount of beer that the chemical boost could not be explained by the presence of alcohol,” according to CTV News.  The study, which tested 49 male subjects using a PET scan to see how much they liked Pierre Trudeau—and also to measure their happiness—found that a mere 15 ml of beer consumed over 15 minutes was enough to spike their dopamine.  Pfft, lightweights!

On the other hand, the study found that administering an equal dose of Gatorade had no positive effect.  Somewhere, Michael Jordan must be crying into a million-dollar bill.  On a generally more depressing note, researchers noted “the dopamine boost was more pronounced in the men who reported a family history of alcohol addiction.”  And if a little thimble of booze is all it takes to make an alcoholic happy, imagine how ecstatic they’ll be after 24 beers!

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LCBO votes to strike—good thing I only drink beer?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

The Canadian Press is reporting that an overwhelming majority of unionized LCBO workers—a whopping 95 per cent, in fact—have voted to strike, should contract talks break down.  While a labour disruption has yet to actually occur, this clear statement of discontent surely doesn’t bode well for winos across the province of Ontario.  Perhaps the provincial government could follow Toronto’s lead, and declare the LCBO an essential service like the TTC?

Then again, even with the strike vote, there’s no guarantee we’ll see any job action.   The CP reports that according to the LCBO’s CEO, “OPSEU had a strike mandate twice before during previous collective bargaining in 2005 and 2009. On each occasion, a new contract was successfully reached without a strike.”  Furthermore, OPSEU president Smokey Thomas admits that they’re just blowing smoke, noting the union no plans to strike—but adding the vote “should send a pretty powerful message to LCBO management that their own employees are profoundly dissatisfied with the pace of negotiations.”  Well hey, better late than never, right?

That said, if you thought it was chaotic when the subway shuts down for a couple days, can you imagine what Toronto would do if all the liquor stores were closed!?  Man, there’d be massive crowds in front of The Beer Store—what with those lineups running out the door! ;)

Women’s Health magazine calls cake decoration a whore; controversy ensues…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

As recently revealed in the British press, the publishing industry is full of sexist, chauvinist pigs.  Just ask Esquire UK editor Alex Bilmes.  On second thought, don’t.  But Bilmes’ ill-conceived contention that women’s magazines are worse than the lads’ papers might have been partially proven by this recipe in Women’s Health:

Now, who’s to say that legless strumpet with the parasol is a prostitute?  Perhaps she’s simply trying to stay shady atop a warm summer’s pudding cake?  That’s rather judgmental of the little plastic man in the overcoat, who appears to be dressed like either a flasher or a Columbine killer—but I’m not one to judge any baking accessories!

That being said, the British press is all up in arms, with The Guardian stating “the caption, on page 110 of the May/June issue, is likely to leave a nasty taste in the mouth.”  One reader went even further, writing “Who’d have thought misogynistic attitudes would be alive and well on a sponge cake?”  Methinks a boycott of the offending dessert is in order.  I’m know I’m never eating caramelised pear and buckwheat pudding cake again! :P

I couldn’t believe it’s not tuna—until I oiled myself…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Although inspectors have yet to find any horsemeat in the seafood aisle, it turns out a whole lotta fish isn’t what you think it is, according to a recent study by the Biodiversity Institute of Ontario.  As the CBC reports, “DNA analysis shows 33 per cent of fish sold in grocery stores, restaurants and sushi venues in the U.S. is mislabelled,” following a 2011 study that found an even greater percentage (41 per cent) of Canadian fish suffer a similar identity crisis after being filleted.

As it turns out, it’s most often a case of lesser fish being substituted for more premium products.  According to the CBC, “pangasius is often sold as grouper, sole and cod; tilapia as red snapper; and Atlantic farmed salmon as wild or king salmon.”  Worst of all, the report found that “84 per cent of white tuna samples were actually escolar, which can cause digestive issues for some people.”  Eighty-four per cent!?  That’s like playing Russian Roulette with five bullets in the chamber, if by bullets, you mean a fish that’s banned in Italy and Japan, and by chamber, we’re talking about “yellowish-orange drops of oil instead of liquid bowel movements.”  Ewww, remind me not to buy tuna at No Frills!

Better stay away from the red snapper, too.  As per the CBC, “Only seven of the 120 red snapper samples tested correctly.”  That’s a whopping 5.83 per cent, or, in a Rogers-sponsored Toronto Blue Jays reference, even worse than J.P. Arencibia’s batting average at the start of last season.  Remember when he was only hitting .058, then he had to go on the Disabled List?  Wait, he hadn’t consumed a bad batch of escolar, had he!?  That might explain why he kept leaking oil at the plate…

For the record, Arencibia is hitting .348 to start the 2013 season—which is roughly twice the probably of you actually getting tuna at the grocery store, as per the Biodiversity Institute.  Aaaand next thing you know, those weren’t actually Miami Marlins we acquired back in January, either, but Bridgeport Bluefish.  Maybe that’s why the Jays are 2-4!

LUNCH AND A MOVIE: Spring Breakers

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Ever since I first heard that Harmony Korine would be directing a “drug-and-violence fueled bacchanal” starring former Disney princesses Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson, I knew I had to see it.  Man, I wanted to see it badly enough to wake up early and try to score same-day tickets at TIFF.  (I just narrowly missed the cut-off window.)  I’ve kept occasional tabs on the film since then, knowing that it would open in theatres sometime around Spring Break.  It turned out to be a week late (unless you live in NYC or LA), but that still gave me time to catch it while it was still playing in the cinema; I certainly don’t envision a lengthy cinematic run, despite the media attention its stars are getting on Entertainment Tonight, etc.

Another thing I’ve wanted for a long time is a Five Guys burger.  They recently opened their first Toronto location at Yonge & Dundas, in a space partially vacated by the HMV Megastore.  It’s been there since last summer, but I hadn’t had a chance to go…  until today.  You could say it was a match made on a drug-and-violence fueled bacchanal in St. Petersburg, Florida–or something like that. ;)

Anyways, Five Guys Yonge St has a light-up sign in homage to the former Sam the Record Man next door, albeit on a much smaller scale.  Their open-concept establishment contains ample seating that allows you to watch what’s going on behind the grill.  The chalkboard proudly states that their potatoes come from Alberton, PEI, and there are several bags stacked near the entrance for your spud-porn pleasure.  It’s not much of a mystery as to how they got there–after all, the people of PEI have a key to the city.  Thanks, Mel Lastman!

Anyhoo, I had the double-cheeseburger with regular-sized Cajun fries and an iced tea.  The spread looked a little something like this:

002There are testaments on the wall as to how amazing the burgers are, and hey, they don’t disappoint.  Two thick, juicy patties with an abundance of free fresh toppings that enhance the palette; the sharpness of the pickles, the smoothness of the mushrooms (I loves me some mushroom burgers!), the almost-overpowering kick of the jalapenos.  It occurred to me that most places use banana peppers, not jalapenos, as burger toppings, and I was quickly reminded why between extended swigs of soda.

As for the fries, well, I think going Cajun-style mighta been a mistake.  The seasoning was a little too salty, ruining the taste of an otherwise perfect PEI potato.  And for the record, there were a lot more fries than seen above; just about as many in the paper bag as were in the paper cup.  They apparently don’t do trays at this place…

Anyways, while the food was all quite tasty–Cajun fries aside–the price was a little steep at $16 for the combo.  You’ll hafta take full advantage of all the free toppings, free peanuts and free refills to really get your money’s worth.

…

By comparison, paying 13 bucks to see the movie was almost a steal.  For my money’s worth, this is Korine’s best work–and not just because it’s showing at a Cineplex.  Suffice to say it was a major step up from his last production, Trash Humpers, which I actually saw at the Scotiabank Theatre (during TIFF, mind you).  That one definitely didn’t receive a widespread theatrical release…

So you’re a former Disney Channel actress who’s now reached adulthood and is trying to avoid being typecast as a high-school cheerleader or a princess.  What better way to break the mould than by appearing as a homicidal, drug-addicted, sex-crazed coed in various states of undress for 94 minutes?  At least, I assume that’s how this film was pitched to its female leads.  As for Franco, who plays a semi-parodic white-boy version of Lil Wayne meets Tony Montana, one can only assume he was high when he first read the script. ;)

Don’t get me wrong, as laugh-out-loud ridiculous as Franco’s “Alien” character is, he’s probably the most well-acted.  Only Gomez, who serves as sort of an early narrator, is really given any depth–and she gets sent home early.  The other girls sure look real purdy giving their bedroom eyes in teeny bikinis, but aside from their hair-trigger urges to commit armed robbery, these characters are fairly one-dimensional.

That being said, the cinematography is simply stunning.  Korine opens with a montage of Girls Gone Wild-style tits ‘n cheap beer to make it clear that this isn’t a Disney movie, and includes more crotch shots than a Globe and Mail cover.  The actresses are clearly portrayed as sex objects–but no more so than the crazy college girls you’d see in *insert freshman guy comedy here,* only these aren’t bit players, rather the stars of the show.  But the initial premise that these sex-starved sluts, who draw penises during a lecture about Hitler (to some degree of amusement) are so desperate to escape their college town for Spring Break that they’ll rob every place on Main Street seems a little flimsy, at best.

That being said, the storyline gets somewhat stronger, if equally surreal, in the second half, after the girls are bailed out of jail by Franco’s Weezy Scarface.  This is where the movie takes a dark turn, from spring-break escapism to the seedy underworld of a popular tourist spot.  And unlike a Hollywood action film full of car chases and explosions, the slow pacing and extended repetition (a Korine trademark) simply build tension to a final scene that’s almost on par with Django Unchained–albeit without the prevailing sense of social justice.  (Let’s just say that it’s the black folks who get shot.)

Of course, in watching this film, one can’t help but be reminded that the bikini-clad killers on screen were once the stars of High School Musical, Pretty Little Liars and Barney & Friends.  (Barney was actually Gomez’s first big break.)  There’s a whole subtext here about pushing the Disney girls to their limits.  Gomez, the youngest and least removed from her Disney days, takes off before the going really gets rough, while Rachel Korine (yes, Harmony cast his own 26-year-old wife in this picture!) is up for a solo, nude, post-gunshot shower scene before she takes the bus back to the sticks.

Benson and Hudgens, however, go all the way in a swimming-pool threesome with Franco that would be a lot steamier if the three co-stars didn’t all have “no naughty bits” clauses in their contracts.  Let’s just say that if this movie proves to be a career-killer for the young girl who rose to fame as Gabrielle Montez in those teenage TV movies, she just might have a future in the adult film industry.  With her sultry, come-hither expression locked on for the duration of the film, I can see why 12-year-old boys everywhere went wild over those semi-nude photos that surfaced online a few years back.  Zac Efron probably cried out of his penis while watching this film.  (I know I did.)

Alas, Spring Breakers is definitely not meant for teenyboppers of either gender.  Judging by the outspoken reaction of the 12-year-old girl behind me who snuck into the film, it’ll probably leave them scarred for life–or at least until they head off to college.  Methinks this means Korine hit his mark with this subversive soon-to-be cult classic.  And I’m sure we’ll be seeing this one at 2 am on Spike TV for generations to cum. ;)

I survived the Heart Attack Grill!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

What visit to Las Vegas would be complete without a visit to the gut-busting grill whose spokesmen are dropping left, right and centre?  Located on Fremont Street in the, erm, heart of downtown, this place draws its share of curious tourists.  I made sure to grab a seat within sight of the entrance, so I could scoff at the folks who came in, saw the size of the burgers on the menu, and ran away crying, with their tails between their legs.  Of course, I didn’t just come for the people watching.  I was determined to finish one of these artery-busting burgers, even if it killed me!

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What, that doesn’t look like a big burger to you?  OK fine, how about a close-up?

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Aren’t you glad you didn’t order a double?  Well, yes I am, actually.  I did get mine with bacon, though.  I must say that I initially thought five strips of bacon was a lot, but on this massive burger, they get sucked into the chili-cheese vortex, and practically disappear from the palette.  And here’s the bad news.  Although the Grill serves up great big burgers, they really aren’t great burgers.  The meat was pretty bland with an unappealing texture.  And while the red onions added a bit of sharpness, especially if you bit right into one, the overall taste was dominated by the chili, which was average at best.  If you’re not a fan of the chili cheeseburger, I’d definitely advise you to stay away.

On the other hand, the fries are fairly tasty.  Thick cut, skin on, like you’d get at a good chip shop.  Curiously enough, they look nothing like the Flatliner Fries on the menu.  Does that mean mine weren’t covered in lard?

But don’t think you can order a burger without chili, either.  These guys really stick to their guns.  I saw a family of three walk in, with a boy about seven or eight, and when he didn’t wanna put on the hospital gown (yeah, they make you wear those), the hostess sent them on their way after a word with the owner.  There’s also no sharing allowed, unless you order a Single Bypass.  Hey, you don’t need help digging your own grave, right?  (Erm, wait…)

And here’s the pièce de résistance: Their receipts blame Obama for the Nevada Sales Tax.  Well, that’s what I thought initially, but it occurred to me that it’s actually a subtle dig at Obamacare.  After all, they list your subtotal as “Medical Services.”

001(Because you’re gonna wish you had socialized medicine after you eat here!!!)

Oh, and for what it’s worth, I saw two big boys tip the scales at more than 350, which means that their Bypasses were on the house.  (This was before noon, mind you.  I’m sure there were plenty more throughout the day.)  Try getting that deal at an American hospital! ;)

Good news: IKEA will no longer be inviting its customers to eat shit!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

As if finding horsemeat in their Swedish meatballs wasn’t bad enough, the worldwide furniture giant has been forced to recall its chokladkrokant dessert after traces of coliform were found by inspectors in China.  That’s right, it couldn’t pass a Chinese food inspection test.  And you don’t even wanna know what’s on the menu in some of those places!

As the Shanghai Daily reports, IKEA “had 1.87 tons of its almond chocolate cake imported from Sweden fail tests for containing an excessive level of coliform bacteria, according to the General Administration of Quality Supervision, Inspection and Quarantine.”  Also failing inspection were Big Crunch bars that caused bowel problems and an already-expired batch of Philly cream cheese.  I guess that annoying angel musta run out of room in her fridge…

Now, the presence of coliforms doesn’t necessarily mean that someone went caca on your cake.  It can also occur when oompa-loompas chocolate-factory workers don’t wash their hands before handling the product.  But I’d rather not eat anything that’s been contaminated by someone’s unwashed, poopy buttcrack—so I support the recall, in any case.

Of course, with this being the second item IKEA’s had to remove from its menu in a matter of weeks, one’s left to wonder what might be nixed next—Swedish Urinal Cake?  Salmonella with Hollandaise Sauce?  Rotten-Egg Salad Sandwich?  Note to self: Don’t go to a furniture store for the food.  I mean, isn’t that kinda like buying an army knife at Swiss Chalet, a Picasso at Pizza Hut or an alarm clock from Taco Bell?  (I was going to add a joke about paying for sex at McDonald’s, but hey, that actually happened!)

Somebody get me a real man’s yogurt… Coors, erm, Powerful Yogurt!

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Ever wanted to eat yogurt, but afraid it would make you grow a vagina?  Boy, do we have the product for you!  Introducing Powerful Yogurt, whose website boasts, amongst a multitude of muscle-bound weightlifters, “This 8-ounce, high-quality, 0% fat premium yogurt will provide a delicious and convenient healthy snack or meal substitute to keep you going in the right direction and help you achieve fat loss, muscle gain and digestive health.”  Because those guys all did it on yogurt, I’m sure. ;)

According to the makers of Powerful Yogurt, men have been discriminated against in the yogurt market for far too long.  “In a niche typically dominated by female consumers, we decided to develop a new Greek yogurt specifically suited to address the unique health and nutrition needs of the most neglected consumers in the category: men.”  Just what the world needed!  So, who can consume this glorious product? “We are not talking about Rocky Balboa but a regular dude like you and us, who works out now and then, who takes care of himself, who likes looking good but who also drinks beer and eats chicken wings.”  Beer, chicken wings and yogurt—one of these things are not like the other…

Alas, while marketing yogurt to Guido juiceheads has been done before—by Conan O’Brien, no less—this might be the first serious attempt to actually sell this stuff to men.  Plus, if you print this coupon, you can buy one, get one free!  I’m gonna be ripped in no time!!!

10 REASONS TO SEE MY STANDUP SHOW THIS SUNDAY: 6. There are no major sporting events occurring at this date and time. Don’t you need a reason to drink beer?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

In case you didn’t know, I’m doing a standup show at Absolute Comedy on Sunday, March 3rd at 3 pm (more info here).  I’m new to this whole live comedy thing, but I’ve been taking classes at Second City, and I reckon I’m getting ‘er rather good.  In case the everyday humorous content on my blog doesn’t convince you that my five-minute act is worth your five dollars, I’ll be giving you 10 more reasons to see my show over the next 10 days.  Here’s another one…

10. My act’s got more balls than Lance Armstrong, more legs than Oscar Pistorius, more hair than Rob Halford!

9. Absolute Comedy is conveniently located near Eglinton Station for your TTCing pleasure

8. The menu at Absolute doesn’t contain confusing Italian words like “pasta,” “calamari” or “bottiglia.”

7. Rob Ford gives it a “Respect for Taxpayers” and a “Stop the Gravy Train!”

6. There are no major sporting events occurring at this date and time.  Don’t you need a reason to drink beer?

March Madness is not for a couple weeks, and the Super Bowl already happened, man.  In fact, the only televised sporting events airing Sunday, March 3rd at 3 pm are PGA Tour Golf, ACC Basketball and the Federal Liberal Leadership Debate.  Hey, if you like to get sloshed in your basement watching Trudeau and Garneau go at it, well… you’re even worse than I am!  Besides, they’re only competing to be the leader of the second opposition party in the House of Commons, right?

Meanwhile, Absolute Comedy offers a varied selection of draught and bottled beer, including Steamwhistle, Keiths, Keiths Red, Stella, Heineken, Corona, MGD, Canadian, Budweiser and real man’s beer–Coors Light!  In case you run out of it at home, that is. ;)

Amateur Sunday Afternoon @ Absolute Comedy, 2335 Yonge St, Sunday, March 3rd. $5. Doors @ 2:30, show starts @ 3 pm.

COMMENT OF THE DAY: Soooo, Dick Cheney doesn’t need the Mediterranean diet, then?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

From: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/26/health/mediterranean-diet-can-cut-heart-disease-study-finds.html

A new study has found that a “Mediterranean diet” consisting of fish, olive oil, and, get this—seven glasses of wine a week has been found to increase life expectancy by lowering the risk of heart disease.  That being said, there’s still a different between low risk and no risk.  Just ask this Vietnam vet:

cotd226

(I could be wrong, but I think I saw on The Daily Show that Cheney eats the souls of dead babies.)