Considering my Calgarian upbringing, I’m pretty much a sucker for anything to do with rednecks–as long as it doesn’t involve banjos or crystal meth. So that’s why I even found myself flipping channels during a nationally-televised Flames game to catch the season premiere of Big Tips Texas, MTV’s latest reality show.
Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to an MTV reality TV scout. You get the call that Buckwild has been cancelled due to the untimely demise of Shain Gandee and are tasked to find a new redneck TV show to take over the Wednesday night timeslot. Being a lazy bastard, you Google “Redneck Heaven,” where you happen to come across this:
And yes, that’s really the name of a bar in the Dallas suburbs. In fact there are three of them, though I’m guessing the fine young ladies pictured above work at the Fort Worth location. The menu includes items like “Border Patrol Belt Busters” and Nolan Ryan Burgers, cuz apparently, the Rangers pitcher-turned-CEO has his own brand of beef. But it’s probably safe to say that most patrons come for the breasts–and I don’t mean the “Pimp My Chicken Sandwich,” although I’d probably be into that.
That said, they’re up against some stiff competition in the key three-tooth, inbred, dirty-jeans-and-bandana demographic, being that the show airs on the exact same day and time as A&E’s Duck Dynasty. (Incidentally, Uncle Si, Godwin and that other guy appear in the background of Redneck Heaven’s Twitter page.) But lets say that the boobs to beards ratio is much, much higher on Big Tits, erm, Tips Texas. As opposed to Buckwild, or even Jersey Shore, the cast here is all-female. And if you’re wondering how they earn those tips, then you must’ve stopped staring at the GIF above already.
Another key difference between Big Tips and previous MTV offerings is that this show follows a group of co-workers, not a cast of friends. Cuz there’s always bound to be more drama in a working environment. Did I mention that this constitutes proper workplace attire on the program? This whole story of young girls chasing their hopes and dreams while working at a breastaurant has been done before–but perhaps not with this much cleavage.
And after just one episode, it’s safe to say the show’s found its Super-Sized Snooki. Much like the Jersey Shore star, that Amber chick is one crazy, drunken hot mess. In fact, it says here she’s been arrested at least three times already, primarily for public intoxication. I eagerly await the episode where she gets punched in the face… but I would still butter her ass and call her a biscuit.
Hey, it just so happens that I’m heading down to Texas in two weeks, and I have three hours to kill in Dallas before my flight to Austin. They don’t serve breakfast at Redneck Heaven, do they?