Category Archives: Confessions of a Fat Fuck

I like food, food is good, etc.

I’m feeling the first-hand effects of the elevator maintenance workers’ strike…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

When I first saw the striking elevator workers on Bay Street, I paid them no mind.  Hey, who’s gonna miss those guys?  It’s not as if they’re an essential service, like the LCBO…  But that, of course, was before the elevator in my new apartment stopped working.

Well, it’s not that the lift is entirely out of service; you just can’t push any of the buttons on the ground floor.  As a third-floor dweller, this wouldn’t be such a big deal, except that the designers of my building, in all their wisdom, decided that the stairs should lead directly outside, not to the lobby.  Which is great when I’m running almost-not-on-time for work–but not so much when I need to use the refuse room.

Of course, the biggest issue is going up.  I can’t open the doors to the stairwell from the outside, so I need to rely on the elevator for those mere two flights.  In their foresight, the property manager has come up with a novel solution to this dilemma: elevator attendants.  Sure, they may be dressed in security-guard uniforms, not seersucker suits, but at least they ensure that I won’t be spending the night in the lobby when I stumble in at 2 am, like I did on Saturday.

The funny thing is that when I lived in my old apartment, I’d always glare at anyone who took the elevator up to the third floor, unless they were visibly disabled or carrying a large package.  These days, I don’t really have a choice.  But it would still be nice if someone could come and fix the buttons so I don’t hafta be scrutinized by security every time I say “Three, please.”

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I’m not really looking to lose weight, just as long as I stop gaining it…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

So I burned off 216 calories on the treadmill today, which just about makes up for the ice cream sundae I had this afternoon–although it doesn’t come close to that KFC sub I ate yesterday.  I’m trying to stick to working out three to four days a week, taking the weekends off to drink beer and eat junk food.  Well, I suppose won’t be drinking too much if the LCBOmageddonapocalypse kicks off tonight.  Although they do have a Beer Store at Dundas Square now…

You see, I’m not really trying to lose weight.  The last thing I want to do is buy several new pairs of pants.  And while my waistline is noticeably slimmer–noticeably to me, at least, cuz I live with myself–I can still fit into my old jeans.  I just hafta pull the belt a little tighter.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to be healthy and get in shape, but as one standup comedian once said, “I’ve tried everything to lose weight–except diet and exercise.”  Well, I’m now getting into the latter, but dieting on top of that is just too much for me.  I still like to enjoy my food, even if tonight I mostly filled up on bread.  Maaaan, Longo’s makes their buns way too big for a normal sized burger.  You could probably put three patties on one of those things!  Hmm, I think I might actually try that…  Homemade land-sea-and-air burger, coming right up!

Then again, I guess I could probably use some smaller buns.  And not just the ones in my pants.

Gruesome Greg tries exercise, pain ensues…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Nobody wants to be the fat guy at the gym in the baggy shorts and the t-shirt that was a perfect fit… five years ago.  Me neither.  But moving to my new apartment has provided me the impetus to get in shape–at least temporarily.  With a brand-new fitness centre that’s barely being used, I can have my own private workouts when I get home from work.  Good thing, too, cuz this guy on a treadmill is not a pretty sight.

To make sure I’m alone, I make a point of hitting the gym as close to 5 pm as possible.  Since I’ve virtually eliminated my commute by moving to Bay Street, I figure I’d use that time to exercise instead.  Of course, once I change, work out and shower, it’s a lot later than it would be when I had to take the TTC home–provided that there weren’t any delays.  But y’know, I have the added bonus of feeling refreshed and motivated, as opposed to mad at the world and its smelly inhabitants.

Anyways, I got on the apparatus for the first time yesterday, and according to the built-in heart monitor, my heart-rate peaked at 182–almost as fast as a Slayer song.  Today, I topped out at 147, which is still faster than I can play bass.  But hey, I’m burning 200 calories an evening, which partially offsets the large pizza I devour afterwards.  And I think I’m losing weight, although I don’t actually own a scale.  My waistline appears to be receding, although that might just be wishful thinking, or the post-workout lightheadedness taking hold.  And I swear to Satan, I’m actually developing muscles in my neck and shoulders from hanging on for dear life.  I can’t say I’m digging this post-workout soreness of legs, though…

You could say I’m still pumped from using the treadmill.  Who knew that walking could be so exhausting?

The view from Bay Street…

Posted by gruesomegreg on

005(This is what I see when I look out my balcony…)

So, I moved into my new apartment on Tuesday, and I’m finally unpacked.  What a difference a professional moving company makes!  What they accomplished in two and a half hours would otherwise take me two and a half days.  Mind you, it did take me two and a half days to unpack, more or less…

Like I said before, I lived in The Annex for the past four years, but before that, I was right downtown for the better part of three years or so, whether at Jarvis and Carlton, Church and Gerrard or Gould and Mutual Street.  Let’s just say that I like being at the centre of the Centre of the Known Universe–only there shouldn’t be as much riff-raff on Bay Street as there was around Allen Gardens.  And hey, they’ve got a Beer Store in the basement of Dundas Square now, so I won’t hafta go all the way to Gerrard and Ontario for a 24–which was always an interesting experience.

Of course, pretty much everything else I need is also within walking distance: Canadian Tire, Best Buy, the Eaton Centre, Longo’s, LCBO, the post office… not to mention my office, as well.  Boy, how I DON’T miss taking the TTC in the morning!  In fact, I don’t even have a Metropass this month.

And let’s just say this is nicer than my other apartment.  All the amenities are state-of-the-art, top-of-the-line, eco-friendly…  Put it this way: My toilet has two buttons on top, one for a half-flush, and one for a royal flush.  The only other place I’ve even see that was at the airport in Portland, Oregon.  And man, my fridge is so big, you could fit at least two or three bodies in there–or enough beer to last the long weekend, in other words.

Speaking of which, you can see in the photo above that City Hall is just across the parking lot from my place.  I am so hosting the next Rob Ford pre-function pre-drinkathon.  Hey neighbour, can you spare a cup of gravy?

gravybowl

5 THINGS I’LL MISS IN MY BACKYARD: 1. Spadina Station

Posted by gruesomegreg on

So, I’m making a big move on Tuesday–over three kilometres, in fact!  (Okay fine, 3.1 km.)  But while it isn’t a great physical distance, moving to my new apartment means I’ll no longer be in an Annex State of Mind.  I have lived in The Annex for four years now, and have come to the realization that your average Annex resident is either under the age of 25 or over the age of 50.  So I might not miss the people–or being the best-dressed guy on the block on Casual Friday, no less–but there are certainly a few things that I’ll regret not having within walking distance anymore.  I’ll be counting off five of them over the next few days.

(I mean, you don’t actually expect me to walk three kilometres, do you!?  That’s like a half-hour marathon–OK, more like 45 minutes for me…)

5. Lee’s Palace (and to a lesser extent, the Annex Wreckroom)

4. Bloor Cinema

3. Sonic Boom

2. Puck ‘n Wings/Burrito Bandidos

1. Spadina Station

Not only will I no longer be getting on the subway at Spadina–after tomorrow, I won’t even need to take the TTC, at least not on a daily basis.  I may not miss the morning commute, but I gotta say, Spadina’s a pretty versatile station.  Not only does it have an entrance right across the street from my soon-to-be-former apartment (visible in the background of this photo), it also services both the Bloor-Danforth and University-Spadina lines, so you can get there from any subway station.  Furthermore, there’s a north-south streetcar service from Spadina where you don’t even hafta wait outside!  As far as TTC stations are concerned, it’s one of the best in my books…

5 THINGS I’LL MISS IN MY BACKYARD: 2. Puck ‘n Wings/Burrito Bandidos

Posted by gruesomegreg on

So, I’m making a big move on Tuesday–over three kilometres, in fact!  (Okay fine, 3.1 km.)  But while it isn’t a great physical distance, moving to my new apartment means I’ll no longer be in an Annex State of Mind.  I have lived in The Annex for four years now, and have come to the realization that your average Annex resident is either under the age of 25 or over the age of 50.  So I might not miss the people–or being the best-dressed guy on the block on Casual Friday, no less–but there are certainly a few things that I’ll regret not having within walking distance anymore.  I’ll be counting off five of them over the next few days.

(I mean, you don’t actually expect me to walk three kilometres, do you!?  That’s like a half-hour marathon–OK, more like 45 minutes for me…)

5. Lee’s Palace (and to a lesser extent, the Annex Wreckroom)

4. Bloor Cinema

3. Sonic Boom

2. Puck ‘n Wings/Burrito Bandidos

(Just when they had the perfect picture set up, a grumpy old lady walked right into their shot…)

It’s nearly impossible to pick between these two fine establishments, both within a rocket-armed QB’s throw from my soon-to-be-former apartment (which you can sorta see in the far-right corner of this photo).  For my money’s worth, Puck ‘n Wings has the best buffalo wings north of Buffalo, and when it comes to chicken wings in this city, only the Crown and Dragon comes close.  The place is also always almost-empty on Sunday afternoons, so they have no problem putting the Seahawks game on one of their flatscreen TVs for me.  That said, I only caught a couple Hawks games at the Puck last year, as I was able to watch a lot of them at home.  A winning record gets you a lot more televised broadcasts on Sportsnet–and it seems they even have a handful of prime-time contests this upcoming season.  Let’s Go Hawks!!!!

Speaking of the Seahawks, I’ve developed a post-game ritual that incorporated the Mexican joint around the corner from the Puck (and also somewhat visible in this photo), Burrito Bandidos.  See, I’ve made a habit of going for a victory meal after every Hawks win, and ever since the fish ‘n chips joint at Bloor and Albany became a poutinerie, said ritual involves the halibut burrito from Bandidos:

121018_175414

Now, I know there’s a burrito joint near my new digs on Dundas, but I’ve heard they don’t have hali.  And when it comes to wings, St. Louis simply can’t pass the Puck.  Looks like I need a new Sunday ritual–or a healthy supply of subway tokens, anyways. :(

5 THINGS I’LL MISS IN MY BACKYARD: 3. Sonic Boom

Posted by gruesomegreg on

So, I’m making a big move next Tuesday–over three kilometres, in fact!  (Okay fine, 3.1 km.)  But while it isn’t a great physical distance, moving to my new apartment means I’ll no longer be in an Annex State of Mind.  I have lived in The Annex for four years now, and have come to the realization that your average Annex resident is either under the age of 25 or over the age of 50.  So I might not miss the people–or being the best-dressed guy on the block on Casual Friday, no less–but there are certainly a few things that I’ll regret not having within walking distance anymore.  I’ll be counting off five of them over the next few days.

(I mean, you don’t actually expect me to walk three kilometres, do you!?  That’s like a half-hour marathon–OK, more like 45 minutes for me…)

5. Lee’s Palace (and to a lesser extent, the Annex Wreckroom)

4. Bloor Cinema

3. Sonic Boom

(Can’t say I’ve ever seen it this packed before…)

In days where the HMV Megastore is constantly sub-leasing its space–which, on the bright side, brought us Five Guys Burgers–Sonic Boom has got to be the biggest record store left in Toronto.  Incidentally, it used to be right next to the Bloor Cinema, before Dollarama sweet-talked its landlord into ceding the space.  And speaking of big moves, they went diagonally across the street to sit steps from the southwest side of Bloor and Bathurst.

Now, before I lived in The Annex, I used to go early to shows at Lee’s or the Wreckroom simply so I could shop at Sonic Boom.  It was a given that I’d be carrying one of those bright orange bags throughout the gig that evening.  And once I moved here, it became somewhat of a last-minute lifesaver, especially when I was on CKLN, where we still mostly played CDs.  Whether I needed to pick up the new album from a band who was coming to town that weekend, or fill in the gaps in my Judas Priest discography, I knew I could usually find what I was looking for on the cheap, especially if they had a used copy.

Now, I don’t really buy as many CDs anymore, but when I’m looking for a new release, I usually don’t need to make a special order.  Whether it’s the new Pentagram or the latest Saint Vitus album, they’re probably already getting a shipment, so I can just have ‘em set one aside.  (Can’t remember the last time I could say that about the Megastore, sadly.)  And if I’m late to the party on a certain band, like Pallbearer, or a particular album, such as the latest Bison B.C., I can often find it on their shelves a few months after the fact.  Yeah, it’s gonna suck when I’ll hafta take the subway to get there–but I doubt I’ll stop shopping at Sonic Boom!

5 THINGS I’LL MISS IN MY BACKYARD: 4. Bloor Cinema

Posted by gruesomegreg on

So, I’m making a big move next Tuesday–over three kilometres, in fact!  (Okay fine, 3.1 km.)  But while it isn’t a great physical distance, moving to my new apartment means I’ll no longer be in an Annex State of Mind.  I have lived in The Annex for four years now, and have come to the realization that your average Annex resident is either under the age of 25 or over the age of 50.  So I might not miss the people–or being the best-dressed guy on the block on Casual Friday, no less–but there are certainly a few things that I’ll regret not having within walking distance anymore.  I’ll be counting off five of them over the next few days.

(I mean, you don’t actually expect me to walk three kilometres, do you!?  That’s like a half-hour marathon–OK, more like 45 minutes for me…)

5. Lee’s Palace (and to a lesser extent, the Annex Wreckroom)

4. Bloor Cinema

I’ll admit that I didn’t pay this place much attention when it was a sticky, smelly, seventh-run theatre that screened The Rocky Horror Picture Show on Halloween and other cult classics.  But I gotta say, I really like what they did with the place.  Since they’ve dedicated the upgraded facilities to host documentaries, I’ve stopped by several times, whether to check out docs about Bob Marley, the Ben Johnson steroid scandal, media manipulation, Hunter S. Thompson…  They even showed a double-bill of Strange Brew and FUBAR on Canada Day–admission was free–and continue to host film fests like TIFF, Hot Docs and Toronto After Dark.

Alas, while I’ve made a habit of checking out what’s on the digital flat-screen marquee whenever I walk by the building, Hot Docs falls at an inopportune time for me this year, as I’ll be busy with packing till the end of the month.  It’s a bit of a bummer, cuz I kinda wanted to see Fuck For Forest, which is screening late Sunday night.  I mean, who doesn’t wanna cum to save the world? :P

Soooo, if you accumulate more workout hours than there are in a day, do you get an extra day off work?

Posted by gruesomegreg on

Scientists at Texas Christian University have come up with a new way to try and scare fat people into hitting Gold’s Gym instead of the Golden Arches.  As CTV News reports, “A new study finds that restaurant guests who look at menus that show them an estimate of how much exercise is needed to burn off calories tend to choose lower-calorie options.”  The experiment, conducted with participants under the age of 30—cuz you won’t find too many frat brothers in their late 40s—found the menu that lists both calories and workout hours caused its guinea pigs to not only order less, but eat less as well.  Gee, I hope TCU was picking up the cheque, cuz they’re not getting their money’s worth otherwise…

However, just like having a gym in my neighbourhood doesn’t actually encourage me to join it, knowing how many workout hours are in my Whopper won’t actually make me work out.  In fact, I’d be more likely to see how many workout hours I could accumulate in one meal.  C’mon man, you think I’d actually work out for three days straight to burn off that quadruple bypass burger!?

Unfortunately, my accumulated workout hours can’t be banked for additional vacation days—I work in the private sector.  But if Rob Ford were to launch a “Workout Hours You Build Up But Don’t Use” challenge, I would definitely try to beat the mayor at his game.  Now pass the kindergartener’s-head-sized shawarma!

5 THINGS I’LL MISS IN MY BACKYARD: 5. Lee’s Palace (and to a lesser extent, the Annex Wreckroom)

Posted by gruesomegreg on

So, I’m making a big move next Tuesday–over three kilometres, in fact!  (Okay fine, 3.1 km.)  But while it isn’t a great physical distance, moving to my new apartment means I’ll no longer be in an Annex State of Mind.  I have lived in The Annex for four years now, and have come to the realization that your average Annex resident is either under the age of 25 or over the age of 50.  So I might not miss the people–or being the best-dressed guy on the block on Casual Friday, no less–but there are certainly a few things that I’ll regret not having within walking distance anymore.  I’ll be counting off five of them over the next few days.

(I mean, you don’t actually expect me to walk three kilometres, do you!?  That’s like a half-hour marathon–OK, more like 45 minutes for me…)

5. Lee’s Palace (and to a lesser extent, the Annex Wreckroom)

While I won’t stop going to Lee’s, by any means–I’ve already got tickets to a couple gigs there in June–it was really nice having a major concert venue that I could walk home from in less than 10 minutes.  Especially since several shows I’ve seen there have ran a little late. (I’m looking at you, White Cowbell Oklahoma!)  On the other hand, there have been a few artists, like Jello Biafra and the Guantanamo School of Medicine, or the Led Zeppelin tribute act Led Zeppelin 2, that I might not trek halfway across the city to check out at, say, The Rockpile, but have paid to see play cuz they were only seven minutes away.

On that note, I’ve also caught some wicked bands at the Wreckroom, including the great Witch Mountain gig that nobody saw.  While it’s primarily a dance club, and lacks the elevated stage and killer sound system of Lee’s, it’s also well within walking distance.  In fact, I’ll be marching over there to see Bison B.C. and some solid local support acts tonight, in what’s bound to be my last concert in The Annex while living in The Annex.  Uh, buy me a drink or something? ;)