“Hey, did you hear Rob Ford erased the bike lines on Jarvis?  Is he on crack!?”

That question took on a whole new meaning today with the revelation by Gawker (followed by a Toronto Star “exclusive”) that The Mayor of This City was taped allegedly smoking some alleged crack cocaine, allegedly at Dixon Rd. near Kipling Ave.  Where are we, Washington D.C.!?

The Star says some of its reporters have seen the tapes, and they “separately concluded the man in the video was Ford.”  He’s even wearing the same sweatshirt as he did in this photo published by the National Post.  But while this would surely be the “Gangnam Style” of mayors-smoking-crack videos, it hasn’t been leaked to the public yet.  Alas, it seems the Somali drug dealers want 100 grand in exchange for the actual footage; both Gawker and The Star watched it on a camera-phone.  Apparently, TorStar doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, and Gawker simply doesn’t have enough money.  And yet, there are not one, not two but three Indiegogo campaigns to buy the tape–although one seems to have been taken down.  (Gawker’s campaign is up over 32 Gs, though, and they’re now saying it’ll take 200 to get the footage.  Mmmmkay…)

Speaking of tapes, did anyone outside the Toronto Police Service ever hear the infamous Rob Fucking Ford phone call?  I guess that one’s a lot safer in the hands of the cops than a tape taken by some drug dealers would be, eh?

Of course, Ford non-denies this ever happened, brushing it off as “ridiculous,” but when was the last time he actually owned up to outrageous behaviour that was either caught on tape, by photo, or seen by witnesses?  It would actually shock me if one of these days he actually came out and said “Yeah, I did that.  My bad.”–before the police report was made public, that is.

Cuz here’s the thing, this latest allegation is costing him populist points by the pound.  I mean, that time when he drunkenly berated some folks at a Leafs game?  Hey, who hasn’t gotten drunk and gotten into an argument about hockey?  Aside from those condo-dwelling, latte-sipping, bike-riding downtown commie pinkos!!!1  Likewise, who hasn’t had a beverage or seven before going out on the town?  I pre-drink, you pre-drink, everybody pre-drinks–unless it’s an open bar, then he really has no excuse.

But on the other hand, it’s hard to appeal to the common man, much less the right-wing, tough-on-crime constituency, when you’re caught smoking crack.  Cuz everybody knows, crack is whack, yo!  Sure, there might be some damned blue-collar tweekers out there, but try getting them out to the polls!

Bottom line, I would not be surprised if this video actually does surface, and whether he wins the ensuing lawsuit or not, the last shred of Rob Ford’s credibility will surely go up in smoke.  I never thought I’d say this, but the judge shoulda tossed him out when he had the chance, just to save our city from further embarrassment.  And this time, I’m not even joking.

Jose Canseco for Mayor!