Now here’s a story you won’t see every day.  The Associated Press is reporting that a 61-year-old U.S. Army veteran is suing the American government “saying a nurse repeatedly put ice packs on his penis after surgery, causing frostbite and gangrene and ultimately leading to the organ’s partial amputation.”  Ouch!  But what sorta surgery requires icing the stick afterwards?  Well…

According to the AP, plaintiff Michael D. Nash “went to the Veterans Administration hospital in Lexington in 2010 for a penile implant and circumcision.”  Erm, I’ll admit that I’ve never had that procedure, but I’m guessing that if I were to get my contractor extended, I’d want to go to a plastic surgeon who knows what he’s doing—and not a veteran’s hospital, free healthcare be damned!  Too bad that hadn’t occurred to Nash, whose “attorneys said a nurse packed his groin in ice for 19 hours afterward, and 5 inches (127 millimeters) of his penis later had to be amputated,” as per the AP.  I’m assuming that there wasn’t much left post-amputation, although he had just gotten a dick implant, sooo…

The man’s lawyer now says he’ll need reconstructive surgery just to take a piss, and he’s holding the U.S. government responsible to the tune of 100 Woodrow Wilsons.  But here’s what I have a hard time wrapping my head around: why does a 61-year-old ex-Army man go for penile-implant surgery in the first place?  Surely his little soldier must be firing blanks by now anyways, eh?  And besides, it’s not the size of the wand; it’s the wizard who waves it, right, ladies?