At my previous place of employment, the cafeteria switched from burgers and fries to a healthier menu of wraps and potato chips when a new food-services company took over, forcing me to (temporarily) change my eating habits—until I left the company.  In hindsight, I guess it’s a good thing they stepped in when they did.  According to a recent study by the Heart and Stroke Foundation Centre for Stroke Recovery, eating cafeteria food will destroy your brain and take years off your life.

Mind you, the authors of the study haven’t tested their theory on humans, but rather used rats in their experiment—a species that deserves to die young, anyways.  As Postmedia News reports, one group of rodents “was given ‘ad libitum’ or free-feeding access to a ‘cafeteria diet’ consisting of high-sugar, high-calorie and high-sodium foods. The rats on the junk-food diets were also given access to a sucrose solution designed to mimic soft drinks.”  I guessing it wasn’t Diet Sucrose Solution, either.

As the foundation director told Postmedia, the rats that ate at the caf got so fat “they basically looked like furry footballs,” but unlike Nerf products, they did not provide hours of safe, school-board-approved amusement for children.  Instead, they got a head start on the road to brain disease, showing signs of “aging vasculature” that more commonly appear in 50-to-60-year-olds.  The study suggests that for teens eating cafeteria food, their cranial blood vessels could be similarly affected well before their time.  I’m assuming that was before the whole Obama school-lunch initiative, however…

As for me, well, I think I’ll survive.  Since my new employer didn’t have a cafeteria, I switched to the food court downstairs.  I mean, there are no health risks associated with food-court food, right?