The October issue of Vanity Fair is set to hit shelves with a full-length feature detailing The Church of Scientology’s role in finding a new mate for Tom Cruise after he left Penelope Cruz in 2004.  Apparently, members of the cult were brought in to audition for a “training film,” and were subsequently asked questions such as “What do you think of Tom Cruise?”  As one of the Scientologists responsible for reviewing the audition tapes told the magazine, “You can’t do anything to displease Scientology, because Tom Cruise will freak out.”

Apparently, one of the people who passed the audition was Iranian-born actress Nazanin Boniadi, a future soap-opera star on General Hospital who now has a recurring role on How I Met Your Mother.  The daughter of a scientologist who has since left the cult, she apparently wasn’t affectionate enough for Maverick’s liking.  “I get more love from an extra than I get from you,” the actor reportedly complained.  He didn’t even bother to break up with her himself, getting a Scientology official to do it for him.  Surely Jerry Maguire would never do such a thing!

But wait, there’s more.  After being reassigned to a “Scientology Celebrity Centre,” a rat caught her snitching about her falling out with Ethan Hunt, and reported her to the guards, who forced Boniadi to “scrub toilets with a toothbrush, clean bathroom tiles with acid, and dig ditches in the middle of the night.” But the worst of her punishment was yet to come, when she was sent out into the street—copies of L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics in hand, to sell to passersby.  (At least they didn’t make her go door to door!)

Not surprisingly, the Church of Scientology is denying the Vanity Fair piece.  “The Church does not punish people, especially in [that] manner,” a spokesman said.  Then again, these people also say that aliens created the earth, so I wouldn’t take their word on it.