When Harry Shearer, playing the loveable, dim-witted bassist Derek Smalls in the classic comedy This Is Spinal Tap, sets off an airport scanner with the armadillo in his trousers, he is forced to remove the foil-wrapped cucumber he had stashed down there, much to the bemusement of his bandmates. However, when Jonah Falcon, an actor who’s appeared in such fine films as Eddie, Death to Smoochy and A Beautiful Mind (although you’d have missed him in all three flicks had you blinked at an inopportune moment) ran into a similar situation at San Francisco International Airport last week, he couldn’t evade the situation quite as easily.
Falcon, who actually appeared in a TV documentary entitled “World’s Biggest Penis,” is apparently hung like a horse—9.5 inches when flaccid and 13.5 inches when erect, according to Rolling Stone. Thus, when he went through security, he says “They wanted to know if I had something in my pockets, and when I said no, they asked if I had some sort of growth.” Yeah, I guess you could say that, heh heh. Alas, while his airport predicament became a minor media sensation after he mentioned it on Twitter, Falcon says it doesn’t faze him. “What was the worst that was going to happen — I was going to have to whip it out for them? I’m used to that. Sometimes when people ask me about it, if I’m feeling up to it, I’ll just show them.”
Now here’s what I don’t get. What with his, erm, “natural abilities,” you’d think that Falcon would have gone farther in his acting career than playing the likes of “Disgusting Drunk” in the Sam Rockwell vehicle Mercy or “Waiter” on three episodes of Melrose Place. But it seems that he’s stuck to Hollywood and TV roles, without ever taking a turn down Porno Valley—this despite claiming to be the biological son of Johnny Wadd. Not to mention that he’s about to turn 42 and is apparently still single. I guess it’s not about the size of the wand, but how you use it, right ladies?