Because I haven’t met any other die-hard Stamps fans in my six years of living in Toronto, I have to find ways to keep myself amused–and intoxicated–when my team’s on TV. Thus, I’ve come up with my own CFL drinking game. The rules are simple: when the opposing team scores a touchdown, I down a beer. But it can’t be just any old beer–I have associated each team in the league with a particular brand. Here’s how it breaks down:
BC Lions: Kokanee. “Glacier fresh tasting Kokanee, it’s the beer out here!” Because as much as a Lions score puts a bad taste in my mouth, I still don’t wanna drink crackhead piss.
Deadmonton Eskishmoes: Big Rock Grasshopper. Whenever the Stamps meet the Eskies in the Battle of Alberta, I gotta go with the best-tasting Alberta beer that’s available in Toronto. (Still hafta try that Wild Rose IPA…)
Saskatchewan Roughriders: Since you can’t actually buy that cheap Saskie piss Pilsner anywhere in The Big Smoke, I go with the closest thing that’s available–in name, anyways–Pilsner Urquell from the Czech Republic. Not that it tastes any better; P.Urq is probably the bitterest beer I’ve ever had–instant heartburn in a bottle. Here’s hoping the Stamps keep Saskatchewan out of the end zone next Saturday the same way B.C. did last nite.
Hamilton Tiger-Cats: I used to drink Steelback when the Stamps played the Tabbies, but when they went belly-up last year, I decided not to switch to Steeler, even if it’s advertised at Ivor Wynne. (You can only buy that stuff in hobo-sized 950 ml cans, anyways.) Instead, I’ve switched to Tiger Beer, a pale lager from Singapore that’s actually quite tasty. And yes, I do have a few of these in the fridge for today’s Touchdown Atlantic contest.
Montreal Alouettes: Molson Dry. Because you haven’t been Montreal drunk until you’ve double-fisted half-a-dozen two-dollar Molson Drys at Les Foufones Electriques. When you’re singing along to Bon Jovi, Mononc’ Serge and some French songs you’ve never heard before at 2 am, that’s Montreal drunk.
Toronto Argonauts: Steamwhistle. Even though the Argos aren’t very good, I like to drink the best Toronto beer when they play my team. Mind you, I only go through one sixer of Steamwhistle a summer, since I tend to attend the Stamps @ Argos game in person–and they don’t even serve it at Rogers Centre, which is right next to their freakin’ brewery!
Winnipeg Blue Bombers: Labatt Blue. If I have to explain this one to you, you probably think the sky is clear.
In case you were wondering, no team has scored six touchdowns against the Stamps this season, although the Lions have put four scores on the board a couple times. But hey, that’s what the NFL and the NHL are for! If anybody can come up with a chart of beverages that are available in Ontario for the teams in the NFC West, I would definitely buy you a beer.
UPDATE 8 PM: I think I got it figured out for the NFC West…
St. Louis Rams: Budweiser. Because we all know that Amheuser-Busch is based outta St. Louis.
San Francisco 49ers: Labatt 50. 49 + 1 = 50.
Arizona Cardinals: Corona/Sol/Tecate. Arizona hates Mexicans, and I hate Mexican beer, so it all makes sense!